AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

[Plumtotss]

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

I dunno OP, completely coming it at from the other side to everyone else, the comment is definitely concerning, but only you know what was said prior to that.

If he's being told that he should be grateful you/your family helped him with his visa etc, and if that's something that's been said before, I can see why he may be on the defensive. Having to spend the rest of his life/marriage being grateful you got him into the UK would definitely alter the power balance in a relationship so I can see why he may make a stupid comment to shut it down that he didn't specifically need you/your family. Only you know the background and what he's generally like. But id definitely speak to him when things are calmer and ask him about his comment

That comment sounds as though staying in the UK was his goal, unfortunately. It certainly wouldn’t make me feel any better about his original comment.

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m not the sort of person that plays the whole “you’re only in the country because of me” I don’t do it. Basically, he had been making some comments about my mum and other personal stuff directly related to the amount of support they’ve given him over the years. It really sounded callous and unnecessary - so I defended my mum and said that it’s unfair considering how much she’s supported him. Despite some of the things he’s said to her in the past, she still gave him £3.5k to pay for renewing his visa. The rest of the family didn’t even know about it because they warned her not to give him any more money considering some of his rude behaviours. He also says that she doesn’t like him. I said to him, how can someone who doesn’t like you loan you £3.5k to help you with such a big thing?

I would bd very hurt by that comment and I understand why you’d have taken it that way.

But if I was him I’d also be very hurt by your comment and can easily take it the wrong way.

Saying he should be grateful - like you’re the one choosing him, you have the power over him and you have the power to change his life type thing.

I think you both made comments in the heat of the moment and they were both taken the wrong way as both things are things you are subconsciously thinking about.

I can almost guaranteed that if any poster on here was arguing with their DH and their DH was implying how grateful they should be because they wouldn’t be here without them type thing, their first reaction would be that they could easily find someone else instead.

If he’s given you no other red flags then I’d put a line under it and move on.

Yes, I agree. I can see how my comment can be taken the wrong way. I really can - but honestly, it’s very contextual. I was not saying that he owes me anything or trying to be on some higher
moral ground.

Yes I understand the possibility of things changing/falling in love. But as I mentioned, I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of everything - he is a good dad and works very hard - as I said, he doesn’t display any of the typical concerning signs. I might just assume that he made that comment in anger and move on. I dunno.

Of course not but he’s likely also not saying that he’s just using you for a green card.

I assume it was made in spite or anger, but yes he means he doesn’t need to be grateful as he’d just have found another woman to get him into the uk.

I guess the difficulty is that him needing your sponsorship for a visa (I’m not 100% sure of the terminology?) creates a power imbalance in your relationship which may be an underlying problem for him (that he may not be able to acknowledge) given the patriarchal leanings in his home culture.

Currently you have the power as presumably if you split up he would lose his right to stay but once he doesn’t need you any more, things may change. It might be time to have a proper chat with him about his core values and why his close friends don’t seem to share them.

If he is expecting you to take his side when criticising your family, that is divisive and would result in driving a wedge between you and your family if you complied. As it is he is putting you in a difficult position of having to defend your parents (who have been nothing but kind) when he criticises them. It’s not ok that he does that.

I hope this is just something and nothing and will all blow over and you live happily ever after but I would make sure you protect your interests and those of your kids first. I’ve seen so many threads with global custody battles where relationships have broken down.

Is there any chance he is judging her by his standards? If he hates your family it may be that he assumes they hate him too?

What are his core values? Because even if he’s not keen on your family, if they are loved by you and are good people he needs to be respectful as a minimum. If they helped him in a time of need that is huge.

What is his actual issue? Does he have an inferiority complex and is resentful? Or angry he has to ask for help? Just a couple of ideas as to why he may take issue. The fact he has had to ask your mum for the cost of the visa renewal may make him embarrassed? Did he save up anything towards it by taking overtime or a second job for example or cutting back on luxuries or treats or holiday etc? If he contributed half for example it’s very different to him expecting someone to stump up 100%

What sort of things does he say about your family?

Tbh life’s too short to be with a man who hates my family. There’s millions of blokes in the world and I am sure there is one that is more suitable than this one. You only get one mum and yours sounds like a good one. Blokes are everywhere.

Yes he’s judging her by his own standards - he didn’t make any effort to save for his visa renewal whatsoever. It’s funny how he’s got all these negative things to say about her but he didn’t reject the money she gave him. If he was really against her as a person then he would have rejected her money as well. It seems like he’s happy to receive help but will treat the people however he likes. She hasn’t actually done anything bad to him at all either.

If he comes from a patriarchal culture, it is likely he resents the fact that he needs her help, and takes it but is trying to flex his muscles nevertheless. To be honest, this insecurity about your mother/family and his comment about finding another woman, sounds quite misogynistic. I would find all of that troubling.

I don’t think it was great thing to say and I kind of agree with the general consensus that he did mean it in a meal ticket type of way.

Having said that if DPs family were awful to me I would seriously consider walking away from him and finding someone else. So maybe there is a slim chance he was thinking the same and it just didn’t translate well

Sounds like hes told you hes used you and still using you.
Get rid of him let him use someone else.

Yes I agree. His culture is very patriarchal and he’s got very set views on men and women roles

What culture is he ?.

he didn’t make any effort to save for his visa renewal whatsoever.

I would care more about this than whether he’s using you for a visa.

You don’t seem to care that he’ll waste his money but take thousands off your mum?

Is that really someone you want to spend your life with?

Did you post before? A few years ago? He didn’t do his visa renewal until the very last minute, I think that also involved him not having the money and not wanting to ask anyone? And something to do with a male work colleague with the same visa? Or something? He sounded like he simply couldn’t be bothered, and I think you (or whoever posted it) was putting in more effort than you should have considering it wasn’t your visa and your help wasn’t appreciated at all?

So confused right now

No, wasn’t me😊

I think you were both being nasty. You’re making out like your family made some huge sacrifice to accept him even though he’s foreign. He snapped back because you’re implying he’s some difficult inferior creature.

He’s from a backward culture that treats women as less than. You already knew this. He uses your mother for money, you can see this. He speaks badly about your family. You hear this.

are you connecting the dots here? Or excluding yourself from the picture of his orientation toward women.

He just gave you the facts. Without you, there’d be another one.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Hmmm. He didn't bother saving for his visa renewal? Is that because he knew you/your family would bail him out? I'm sorry I think he is using you for a visa. Or why didn't he save and pay for it himself? I'm not saying he has no feelings for you but the visa is the end game. I really hope I'm wrong!

What are you confused about?

You said he has made no effort to save for his own visa, instead your mum had to give him thousands of pounds for it.

Why when you found out he’d spent his visa money instead of saving for it, did you think it was ok to ask your mum for it?

Did you not question whether he genuinely wanted to be with you if he couldn’t even be bothered to put money away for his own visa?

That alone would have made me end things.

Saving for his visa should have been his top priority and I judge both of you for taking it off your mum.

Just read your update. The fact he thinks it’s someone else’s job (your mum’s) to pay for 100% of his visa says a lot about him. He couldn’t even chip in £1000? Yuk!

And I certainly wouldn’t accept money from someone I disliked. Says a lot about his character, none of which is complimentary.

He is showing you who he is and it’s not very pleasant. Are any children you share at risk of him taking abroad if you seperate?