To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

...and some still do. There are plenty of cars still on the road in the UK that don't have air conditioning.

I suggest OP asks herself honestly, if this was a one hour trip she had been looking forward to, would she still want to cancel?

I've said that wasnt appropriate but it doesn't change the fact that OP should have at least told him, ideally discussed it. Acknowledging that is important or you just get into one accusing and one being defensive. I suppose it's a question of working it out or winning. Id rather work it out

Just send him with DS then. Stay home, walk the dog, enjoy the peace

Ah, so you believe it's the OP's fault.

I can't understand where you're coming from at all. This is about simple communication and the DH's inability to put his wife first.

The OP mentioned to her son that she didn't think they'd be going to MILs if the air conditioning wasn't fixed. The son mentioned that at bedtime. Instead of saying something like, 'oh really? I'll have to chat to mummy about that', calmly finishing the bedtime routine and then coming down to ask for more details and agree an alternative together, the DH shouted and upset his son, then came downstairs to shout at his wife, remind her how terrible her parents are because they don't pay off HIS debts and tell her she shouldn't get to see her parents.

Even in a healthy family with no problems, the above is completely unacceptable. If my partner was going through chemo and struggling with the extreme weather, I wouldn't find them cancelling a 2hr round trip in a car without air conditioning rude. I'd find it sensible and be embarrassed I hadn't seen the problem and suggested an alternative.

If everyone was healthy and my child mentioned a change in a planned event, I'd do as I already suggested and say I would speak to the other parent. It wouldn't upset me. Life is busy and parents often don't get to properly talk until their child is in bed. Children sometimes get the wrong end of the stick and pass on incorrect information. I wouldn't yell at my child. I wouldn't yell at my partner either. I'd ask them why plans needed to change. If it was a reason I found unacceptable (they couldn't be arsed, for example), I'd tell them the reason was unacceptable and go without them. I wouldn't shout at them, bring up other problems or try to prevent them seeing their family.

I don't find it all that collaborative to cancel plans the other person has made without even talking to them about it. Not that anyone does actually seem to have cancelled them, in terms of telling MIL - I hope she's not gone out and bought food etc for a visit tomorrow at this point.

There are a number of concerning points here:
Firstly that your husband does not seem to take into account your medical conditions at all. Can you (both) not prioritise fixing the air con or replacing the car if it cannot be fixed? Can you avoid all travel or take taxis until it cools down? It sounds really unhealthy in your condition.
Secondly that your husband involved your son in the argument - why does DS even need to know there is an issue? DH should have kept it to himself and raised his displeasure with you. Very poor parenting from DH.
Another one, your boundaries. That you feel you cannot miss a trip to his parents without expecting fallout from it is unreasonable, particularly given your health.
Yes, you should have discussed not travelling with DH before DS but I can totally see how it happened and anyway, you didn't say you wouldn't be going, just shared concerns about the air con and viability of the trip. If your DH considered his family at all he would have realised this for himself too rather than just shout at you (and DS)!
I would be tempted in your position to tell him he and DS can go by themselves if he wants but you are too sick to do so. (Tell him to make sure to plot out hospitals en route for when his son has an asthma attack due to his insistence too). I'd also go a bit nuclear at his unreasonableness. I'd tell him you hear his concerns so you are going to treat his parents exactly equally to yours to be scrupulously fair and so you will travel to his parents exactly the same amount as you travel to yours - i.e. never. Because at least your parents can use their empathy and understand you are sick!
I suspect there are other issues in your marriage given how this innocuous conversation kicked off so please stand back and have a think about how you are treated and the effect it has on your son growing up in this environment. Why did DH build up debts that needed to be paid off? Was this general purchases to support his family that could not be avoided or was it selfish splurges? I am suspicious. If your DH had cancer and was undergoing chemo - would you treat him as he treats you and have the same expectations from him that he has from you?

Yes OP, pretend the highest recorded UK temperature isn't 3.5 degrees higher than it was in the 20th century. You can do it!

🙄

Prioritizing safety and comfort, especially when dealing with a broken car in high temperatures, is a valid concern. Standing your ground on such practical issues is often necessary.

in that case, I have to tell you that we went along with a LOT when my kids were little, but then had enough and let her get on with things. Sometimes that means accepting that we are going to have to do something a bit silly because she has got an idea in her head, but other times, it means we say no, and she gets put out for a bit.

But saying no from afar is not as catastrophic as you might imagine. She sulks and doesn’t speak to us for a while, and then acts like nothing has happened, so we just have a few weeks peace! I guess the big thing is that my husband doesn’t like it when she behaves like a queen bee and is entirely on board with doing this

It's unreasonable to take a dog in extreme heat unless there's a very good reason, but I'd look at getting a car with air con sorted for you and the dog. If the parents are able to travel to you, offer that, but if for health or anything they can't, fair enough. He's right that you shouldn't prioritise one set of grandparents over the other, so if this is true, fair enough.
If it's not, then just until you get the aircon sorted, as a one off, it's not wrong to cancel.

Yabu.

A/C is nice but doesn't make the car undrivable. We only got a car with it 2 years ago and have previously lived in southern Europe. Plenty of people survive hotter times and longer drives without it.

Unless your dog is elderly or your child unwell I'm not sure I see the issue.

You've obviously not read the OPs post - son has asthma and OP recovering from chemo. I have asthma and this weathers awful for my breathing, I wouldn't want to be in a car for an hour with air con let alone without

OP has said:

'I have had someone try to fix it but it didn’t work so now we are here….'

OP is having chemo so that is probably why she is having such a bad reaction to driving in a car without air conditioning in this hot weather.

What was your DH even arguing with an 8 year old child about, @Pistachiocoffeeyes?

Surely the conversation goes something like:

DS: We’re not seeing grandma and granddad at the weekend.
DH: Of course we are.
DS: Mummy says we’re not.
DH: Oh really, well I’ll speak with her about that.

Unless your DS was crying and begging not to visit his DGPs I don’t see how an argument between DH and DS can even begin. And if he was crying and begging not to go, why?

I think that the am the one who is always left to make important decisions, in fact - most decisions.

I don’t see why my DS and I whilst over - heating in the car, on the way home from school, after what was probably the 10th time of complaining about it and mentioning it to DH - then I saying simultaneously whilst DH didn’t happen to be there at the time, that if it isn’t fixed, we won’t be going on Saturday, is such a problem? To me - it’s health and safety. Why would he see it any differently? Why, would anyone see it any differently!

Except these are 21st century temperatures and traffic.

Literally, all of that. Thank you! Life is busy yes and he spends a lot of time gaming as opposed to sitting and chatting to me!

This

Can't be very pleasant though can it? It's not a race to the bottom 🙄

With a a dog in the car ? The risk of breaking down in this heat and having no air con??

I agree with you. He can be BOTH understandably annoyed and an arse for taking it out on his child.

I don’t have air con in my car and drive a lot, but I don’t think you are being unreasonable- I wouldn’t take my dogs out in my car at the moment and it’s miserable!!