To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

Ok. You need to sit down with your DH today and set some boundaries.

Something along these lines "I want to listen to your frustrations, but we have to agree on basic safety and respect first". Make sure he understands that being on chemo, even when you feel well, can compromise your bodies ability to regulate heat. An hour in a hot car even with the windows down could result in a medical emergency and that is a non-negotiable medical boundary for you. It is not an excuse to miss going to his family.

Then you need to a) call him out on weaponising the financial help. He can't use the financial help given to compromise your health or safety. Nor can he use it to impose a quota of family visits on his family vs yours, and b) its unacceptable to argue with your son about something that was an adult argument. He needs to sort that out with him, as last night he was so upset he couldn't sleep.

Once you're clear with him about that you can move to a more compromising tone - say that it's completely understandable that he wants to see his parents more, they're getting on and you totally get it. Suggest that either a) he goes alone with your son, b) you hire a car for the day with working air con and go in that or c) you push the visit out until the air con in the car is fixed.

I agree. I am so upset with how stressed he made him. DS is such a happy little boy and to see him acting stressed! Was and is the worst feeling ever.

So, would you have cancelled your own parents, the ones you clearly see a lot more of, or is it just your in-laws?

I have literally screen - shot your message to refer back to later. I am going to do exactly that. Boundaries need to be set - did not think that I’d have to do this but sadly I will. I have really learnt that I cannot assume he’s considering my health. I just feel like he cares more about what his Mother says and now I’m intrigued as to why every - time he is on the phone with her, he moves away from me so that I am not in ear - shot!

Do you think you not making unilateral decisions and letting him find out from a child is something that also needs addressing?

That's what we are doing, cos I not have energy to deal with a garage to get it regassed.

I also work next to a garage, so it is actually laughable.

But for the OP. Yeah DH shouldn't have had a go at DS. But, you could get it regased if that is what is the defining factor? In that case, I CAN see your partners point about it being a tad unreasonable.
Also, can HE drive? If so he can take him and you and doggo stay home.

I am the only driver in my house, so I am given final say on longer trips as it depends on if I have the spoons.

I feel like you are being really judgemental. The truth is, yes! At the moment, I have been because of being so unwell, most weeks. If I went tomorrow, I would be seeing her before I have seen my parents - especially in the last year. I actually want to go because DH’s BIL and DS will be there too and I absolutely love them, they live really far away so we barely see them.

I missed that the OP has cancer and has been on chemo. Did you miss that too?

The heat has been making the OP feel faint, understandably. It's really easy to become dehydrated when having chemo, and she really shouldn't be placing her body under anymore strain than necessary. Her DH should be putting her needs first.

Ahhh haha that is funny! Yes - I have had that done but it didn’t work! And the other car is leaking so it’s just really unlucky!

sometimes, there is just too much going on…..

Thank you. MIL’s needs come first it seems!

OMG!! Its not “making a unilateral decision” it is thinking about what is feasible for a sick person, a child, and a dog in a heat wave. If I decided that a trip was not safe my DH might be disappointed but he would understand that safety considerations take precedence.

Would you be annoyed if your trip to see your parents was cancelled by your husband and you found out when your child told you?

I understand why you don't want to go but if the subject came up with your child you could say maybe we will need to rethink the plan with dad. I think you are missing what has upset him.

I believe I read that her parents drive to them.

But wouldn't you discuss it with him or at least tell him?

Always? They've never planned a family visit to her parents?

Thing is - I didn’t cancel it. I just said that, if we cannot fix the air - con, we won’t be going because it will be too hot. Too hot for my son who has asthma; too hot for the dog who I cannot leave at home because she’s so anxious and too hot for me because I keep getting faint; after every car journey.

I’ve read all your posts OP but I don’t think I’ve seen you comment on why your DH ended up arguing with your son about this? Even if he was annoyed, it obviously wasn’t your son’s decision not to go so why shout at him?

That, to me, is more worrying than him not agreeing that aircon was a necessity for the journey. (Don’t get me wrong, that is also awful).

I can understand the posters that say he was upset to find out from his son rather than you, and in fairness they have a point. I know you only made a passing comment to your son about not going if the air con wasn't fixed, and you didn't mean for him to say it to your DH before you got a chance to, but I guess I'd be annoyed that a trip to my parents had been cancelled from on the kids. It's one of those things where if you had thought it through, you'd have probably said "I'll have to talk to Dad about that, see what we can do so that I can stay well and we still see Granny and Grandad, cos I know he was looking forward to that".

You can always bring that up in your conversation with him. That it was a passing comment to DS, you didn't mean for him to mention it first, and you understand that it wasn't the ideal communication.

My parents always come over to us because of my health and when my health was fine, of course we would visit them. Not regularly might I add and most of the time, DH would stay home and DS and I would go alone.

I just don’t see the importance you attach to this at all. My dh and I are equals in the marriage. The way we make decisions is collaborative and flexible so even if we have plans to do X or Y they would yield to new information or a safety issue and either one if us would be free to make the call on that basis.

In this case OP and her son were having a conversation about the heat and the car in the car and she reassured her son that under the circumstances they would probably not go up to see the grandparents. Sure she could have deferred to the great I AM and said “oh but I have to ask dad first for permission “ but I certainly wouldn’t have to ask permission of my dh.

in any event No matter the timing there is no excuse for his attacking and haranguing the child which is what principally concerns the OP.

So you made that decision. Probably a very sensible decision but if it was the other way round would you expect him to at least mention it to you? You seem determined to make him the bad guy without accepting your part in it. I think acknowledging that is important if you want to work things out. Of course you might not want to but that is your decision.

I speak as someone with a husband who will often do the same, make a probably perfectly sensible decision to change arrangements and seems to think I will find out telepathically. It can be really infuriating.

Pretty irrelevant, isn't it? The OP is seriously ill. Another member of the family (presumably their child) also has a health condition made worse by the heat. They have a dog that struggles with the heat.

The DH could suggest his parents come to them, rent a car with air conditioning or, better yet, say the OP isn't up for visiting (if that's the case).

The main point is not whether or not the family should visit the in-laws. (Although, personally, I don't think they should be taking long drives in a car without air conditioning.) It's that the DH's behaviour was unnecessarily aggressive and unacceptable for what should have been a simple discussion. He shouldn't have been screaming at his 8 year old son at bedtime. He shouldn't have come downstairs and screamed and threatened his wife. In addition to my earlier suggestion, he could have simply had a calm conversation: 'Son mentioned he didn't think we'd be going to my mum's this weekend? Are you not feeling up to it?' (That would be my opening for questioning a seriously ill partner. Although, in reality, I'd never expect my sick partner to travel - with or without air conditioning - without checking on how they're feeling.)

It is coming across as you really have it in for the OP. Do you agree with the DH's behaviour? Was it right he screamed and upset his 8 year old? Or do you believe it's the OP's fault her DH can't control his anger? ('She made me do it' - A line trotted out from every abuser's playbook... if only you put the strawberry jam on the table instead of the raspberry, I wouldn't have had to throw the jar against the wall...)

Don't be silly, it isn't asking permission it's common courtesy to let the other person involved in on the discussion

The husband's behaviour was an over reaction but it is still reasonable for him to at least be notified of changed plans.

If your husband cancelled a visit to your family without telling you wouldn't you find that rude? I definitely would.

But he shot the 8 year-old messenger- why, and what does that say about him?