Four kids tuned up

[Boymum776]

My son is in Reception, and he’s one of the youngest in the year. We invited his whole class to his birthday party through the class WhatsApp group. There are 30 children in the class. This year I’ve taken my son to pretty much every class party we’ve been invited to, or at least every one we were able to attend. I’ve made an effort to chat to the other parents too, even though a lot of them already know each other because their children all went to the same nursery.

Four children turned up to my son’s party. The venue had a minimum of 12 children, so I still had to pay for 12 places. It’s not even just about the money, it’s seeing your child so excited for their birthday and then watching hardly anyone come. I’m just so angry and disappointed. It honestly feels like a parent popularity contest rather than people thinking about the children. They’re only five years old. At this age, birthdays should be about making kids feel included and celebrated, not about who the parents already know. I feel like writing a bit fuck you in the class chat, obviously I won’t… but HOW do I get over the anger when I have to see these people 5 days a week!

That is heartbreaking and just so bloody rude from the people who said they would come and then didn’t show.

If I got a poll on the class WhatsApp I wouldn’t assume that I had officially RSVPd. I’d expect a separate party group created and details / reminders sent to that if I replied ‘yes’ to a poll. It’s easy to forget if you put a response to a poll but I don’t forget if the party organiser sets up a separate group for those who can attend to save putting messages in the class chat that are only relevant to a few people. It does not sound like you’ve been clear enough.

I feel for your son. I do regret having put so much effort into big parties. My son enjoyed smaller group things just as much and it was much easier to control. Plus despite the hundreds of parties we went to his long term friends are largely from secondary school. Plus they don’t remember the parties I arranged when they were five or six.

I wonder if it’s caused you more pain than your son? He might have enjoyed just having fun with a few of his mates and his cousins but you know how much effort was put into it and how rude the parents were.

I know some people have great experiences with being in the school parent clique, I wouldn’t go back to that for anything!

I am really worried about this happening at my sons party, so many parents haven’t responded aswell.

No. You need to put in a proper invite again and then do a reminder the day before. Here every party has it’s own what’s app group.

If I had just ticked yes to a poll I wouldn’t think the party was going ahead without a follow up.

Please don’t do this.

I felt the same when out of the whole class of 25 a grand total of one child turned up. Luckily we had cousins there to boost the numbers but it was still very very quiet for a soft play party. I still hate the other parents for that.

I think this is really weird. I've never seen a whole class party where less than about 20 have shown up. Where i live a poll with choices eg "yes i'm coming" and "no sorry cant make it" would be considered an rsvp.

It would be exceptionally odd to only have 4 turn up and would only happen if the party was the same time as another kids party, or was timed bang on football club or on the weekend of a cub camp with a lot of kids all at those. But someone would tell the party parent that and the party would then usually move.

Badly done, it’s a shame that you are choosing to be so unkind.

Childrens parties are for children, not cliques of adults who want to spend time together.

I don’t know why people are trying to make this the OP’s fault. She sent an invitation via WhatsApp, then a poll a week later to prompt people for a response, and had 12 say they were coming. All these people saying they need the invitation, then a reminder, then another reminder a few days before- why?! Do you not have a calendar or diary you write things on?

I have 3 kids at primary, I send one invitation out, make a note of who has said yes, who has said no and who hasn’t let me know. As long as the ‘yes’ group is of a reasonable size I leave it there, I don’t chase anyone, I’m not their secretary! I do often send one a few days before asking for any dietary issues which I think probably acts as a reminder for any who might have otherwise forgotten- but I really hate the idea that grown adults can’t seem to just turn up to a party that they’ve agreed to go to without multiple reminders.

I don’t think your son will see it through the same lens as you OP and hopefully the 4 that did come are ones he liked? I did a whole class one for my son once where afterwards I realised he’d played almost exclusively with his best friend the entire time, and I realised he’d not have been bothered if 90% of the others hadn’t been there! This is not on you or your son, it just seems there are a lot of flaky adults out there these days.

Could have been an illness or cold.
Hope yoy little boy had a lovelt time with the four guests.

We’ve had no shows at DD’s birthday’s before, it’s forgotten quickly but it’s just incredibly rude and childish imo. We say yes to every party because they are small and we also actually turn up. I think sometimes there are party scheduling conflicts and some people are just flakey. I know on DD’s birthday weekend there were two other birthdays and instead of fronting up people will just not show up.

Honestly find it a bit bewildering, it’s basic manners, if you accept an invite you go.

That’s really shit if they said they’d come and then didn’t. It’s not like me but I’d have to put something passive aggressive on the WhatsApp group. Sounds like you’ve landed with a shit set of parents there - DD goes to parties of kids I’ve never heard of and whose parents I’ve never met because it’s about the kids and not the parents. We never RSVP and then just don’t turn up, that’s really awful.

Oh OP that sucks. I understand why you must feel gutted.

I’m wouldn’t jump to assume this is a clique deliberately excluding your son and you. My son is about to start reception, there are 30 kids in his class and there’s no way I’m going to take him to 30 birthdays over the year! I also would probably prioritise the kids he’s been friends with for years and any new names that get mentioned frequently. I think that’s probably normal. I would assume his not coming to a party wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference because there would be loads of other kids there.

I definitely wouldn’t no show after saying we were coming though!

Absolutely shitty behaviour. I’d not be making any effort with them in the future. I don’t chat to the other school mums, I arrive just before pick up time and off we go. No need to engage.

From the other side, a poll seems like just taking an opinion, even if the questions were “can you/not attend.”

I would have assumed the party hadn’t gone ahead if nothing further had been posted. I think this error is yours unfortunately.

Oh no, hope he still had a good time.

A whole class WhatsApp message is standard here - people then reply and if it's small numbers a group is set up to keep it off the chat. I would usually do an invite 4 weeks beforehand with a request for dietary requirements and then follow up any non replies individually. Did it go out at an odd time? What did it say? Once I'd done the poll I would have made a group with those people and done a reminder 3 days before.

My guess is that there was another party or big get together at the same time and everyone was too cowardly to message you and let you know.

1. If mum appears to be happy and excited then the child will generally have a positive experience regardless of numbers
2. You tried your best and did everything you thought you should to give your son a great party
3. Something went wrong so either do the same thing in future and likely have the same outcome or change what you do next time

Suggestions would be
1,no pole as that indicates doubt
2,reminding your son to spread the word at school
3,reminding the mams on WhatsApp it’s happening and don’t be so self conscious about “being a pain”
4,send out some paper invitations for your son to give out
5,chase up on WhatsApp for rsvps
6,try and collect your child from school at least some of the time to get to know school mams at the gate
7,invite kids for play dates and the mams for coffee/wine and get to know them

Primary school can be great for making new friends for yourself as well as for the children. No one’s intentionally done anything wrong, don’t be angry, just make some changes and move on and you could both make some great friends. X

Well, clearly the poll doesn’t work does it? A poll is for canvassing opinions, not confirming invites. It’s too ambiguous. You should have sent follow up messages, even just to list who you believe is attending and confirming times, food, gift ideas (if any) etc. A poll is not an invitation. Most people wouldn’t take it to be either.

Just do it better next time.

Gosh over years of 2x kids parties I highly doubt it is anything to do with whether or not you are popular. WhatsApp groups are a pain and lots of people mute them particularly if they’re on several. For a party you need to monitor who’s seen it and whose replied etc.

Yes OP, most do invites only because that’s the way it works.

Sending invites and then sending a poll seems like you’re considering not going ahead with the party. It’s caused confusion here.

I think posting it as a poll on WhatsApp is weird but if that’s what the group typically does then sure… In their minds perhaps that wasn’t as formal as a classic RSVP after a paper invite. People do forget but obviously so many forgetting is rubbish. Did your DS still have fun? At 5, I’m sure he won’t remember how few turned up/ might not even remember the party at all.

Years ago my eldest had just one turn up, her best friend. We had a couple tell us beforehand they couldn’t make it but also multiple no-shows on the day. I have never done a non-family party since.

I’ve always sent replies individually. I’ve never been in a WhatsApp group but I have kids aged 10 & 20 and individual messages are better.

Sorry that this happened. This does sound like a complicated way to organise a party though. As you even say, another person posted a different invite not long after you had done yours, so surely if all in one WhatsApp group the invites get lost amongst other messages and people forget what they might have said yes to.

A paper invite handed out to the child means the child knows they have been invited to something, there is a chance in the WhatsApp group the children wouldn't have even known. If my kids came home with an invite they would want to know what it said and if they could go.
Asking on WhatsApp in a whole group seems far too casual. A poll is often just opinions too.
I think you needed a more specific reminder perhaps a week beforehand if the group is the only way you do it, specifically saying Fred's party is next week. I need definite numbers for food. Can people please confirm on here or message me directly to say if they can come. At least then if no one replied you would know.

You don't want to pester people but I think on the day when only 4 turned up I would have posted in the group chat hey just checking everything is ok, it's Fred's party and several people said they were coming but haven't arrived yet. Just wondering if traffic is bad and people are on the way before we start the activity.