Four kids tuned up

[Boymum776]

My son is in Reception, and he’s one of the youngest in the year. We invited his whole class to his birthday party through the class WhatsApp group. There are 30 children in the class. This year I’ve taken my son to pretty much every class party we’ve been invited to, or at least every one we were able to attend. I’ve made an effort to chat to the other parents too, even though a lot of them already know each other because their children all went to the same nursery.

Four children turned up to my son’s party. The venue had a minimum of 12 children, so I still had to pay for 12 places. It’s not even just about the money, it’s seeing your child so excited for their birthday and then watching hardly anyone come. I’m just so angry and disappointed. It honestly feels like a parent popularity contest rather than people thinking about the children. They’re only five years old. At this age, birthdays should be about making kids feel included and celebrated, not about who the parents already know. I feel like writing a bit fuck you in the class chat, obviously I won’t… but HOW do I get over the anger when I have to see these people 5 days a week!

It depends on the area - whole class parties where we live now were apparently uncommon even in younger school years and smaller parties much rarer.

Lesuire centers in previous area all catered for hall hire and there were many party packages - there are some in center here but few locally. It's more family centered house parties or days out.

Class parties are much easier to organise in KS1 than anything else, even more in Reception/ Y1

You don't know all the kids yet, you don't know parents. No politics involved if you just invite everyone and don't have to think about it. Even if the classes are reshuffled later, it's still a great way to meet parents anyway

You can also cross out the rude ones who don't reply or don't turn up at the last minute so you know never to invite them again😂

Thought most reception parties are whole class these days. DGC had whole class invited and 10 out of the 12 turned up. All those that said would come

We still do year wide parties for DD1 who is going into year 2 as there’s only 32 of them in total.

I’ve never considered me liking or not liking the parents when throwing a party for DD. If the party she wants it’s suitable of all of the year (and it’s affordable for us) then that’s what we do

I feel for you. I recently held a party for my 5 year old and really feared it would just be a few children. The minimum was 20, which I paid for, and up until 2 weeks before only about 5 had confirmed. I was so worried. Luckily we got about 11. My son had fun and didn't know that there were more invited so that's the main thing. I hope your child had fun too.

I definitely won't be doing another one in a hurry though.

If you can I think texting people directly is the best way as people have to respond. I get the impression from your messages you have followed the normal way invites are given for that group so I understand not wanting to do something different - apart from the addition of the poll but I don't see how that would throw people off if it said something like "are you coming- and the details?".

My son is an August baby. We've only ever had one party. I did it in the September. We invited 12 kids and paid for the venue. My number and email was on every invite. Only 3 parents RSVPd.

Out of 12 kids 6 turned up (two we have known since nursery) A couple had siblings in the car so I ended up having to ask them to join us because it was awkward. I obviously had to pay the venue for all of them.

I saw a mum in town the weekend after and she said that they couldn't come because she was busy. When I asked why she hadn't RSVP'd she just shrugged her shoulders. After that I took my son and three friends to the cinema/bowling. So much cheaper and less hassle.

Honestly, you can't "win", you can only keep doing what you do well. Which seems like putting your son first to give him what he needs.

I don't think I have much to say to help but I can tell you, when we moved to a new area, 6 months into the school year we held a party and invited every child in my kids classes for a big joint party in a village hall with play area outside and old school games. Not many of the older childs friends came, maybe 8 and most of the younger ones class came. Following that, in 18 months since the older one was invited to ONE birthday, the younger one invited to 3. I am told by teachers they are popular and well liked. In the playground after school they are never alone. So it doesn't seem like there is an actual right or wrong way, just the roll of the dice.

One thing I do, have always done, their actual birthdays are always with family at a restaurant or dinner at home. They are the centre of attention in the most loved environment on their day. They take the party with friends as an nice add on but birthdays for them are family events. And now, their birthdays are 4 close friends doing something together, not necessarily cheaper but definitely better value.

The invite following by a poll was definitely enough, I’ve never been added to a separate party group.

The parents sound rude, it should be about the children not them.

I hope your son still had a great time.

You didn’t follow it up with a wats app group or even to say great you 12 can make it. See you tomorrow etc

Well, it clearly wasn't because hardly anyone showed up. Malice is far less likely than that the poll seemed to be contradicting the original invitation by asking what looked like a question about availability rather than a reiteration of the original RSVP, and that, crucially, the OP did not then follow up that poll with a reminder to the 12 who had responded yes, reiterating place and time.

So they replied and said they would come then didn't? Its a busy time for holidays and parties etc so maybe they just double booked? Did your son have a good dag though anyway?

Good advice but I would disagree with your last sentence. People are no busier today than they were and to be honest, it’s much easier nowadays for parents to send invites and then respond. 30 years ago we sent paper invites and phoned up with a response. It was the done thing to respond one way or another.

No never. He's in an autism class but attends mainstream for almost full days and he's never gotten any invite from anyone. It doesn't bother him so I try not let it bother me when other parents tell me how fed up they are of having to go to so many parties every weekend.

You have to get over this. Stop feeling guilty. The playground is tough but you did not let your son down. Sadly you will take years of this. Next year, maybe try inviting a couple of his closest mates for a day out. Ive found that works better through experience. Im not popular at school, nor would i wish to be and im a social person. No parents would define mine or my kids worth. Im very sorry this happened.

Given the OP has said other people receive much more responses and enthusiasm over the posting of just an invite, which OP originally did, I think it's weird to blame OP's method as the reason for the low turnout. If they were as keen they would have responded to the initial invite - it wasn't until a week or so later that she did the poll.

If you received an invite to a party and then a week later there's a poll asking if you can attend for the exact same time and date, I'm not sure why you'd assume the party was now just theoretical and not really happening.

I do think polls aren't the best as OP has learned but if the poll wasn't posted I don't think more children would have just turned up.

I have a 5 year old and we've gone to quite a few parties. Most people just send invites out and that's it. No one really sends reminders etc.

The poll wasn't then followed up by a reminder. Other people's immediate enthusiasm or lack of enthusiasm is a red herring. If people aren't quick off the mark in RSVPing, for whatever reason, then you just need to do more chasing, and make it easier for them to reply yes/no when they see a follow-up message, rather than wring your hands after a badly attended party and say it's all the fault of an evil 'clique' or other people's bad manners.

I don't think it's a viscous overlooked/ excluding because you are not part of the group. I would say it's more likely a series of unfortunate clashes.

Was it a weekday evening party or a weekend party? I only ask as generally at our school and at some of my friends children's schools weekday evening parties are not well attended due to parent work commitments/ after school clubs and activities. I know someone who purposely books weekday evening parties because it limits attendance to only really her mum friends children and a couple of others and is significantly cheaper.

If it was at the weekend. I would say it's more that a series of unfortunate clashes has happened - a lovely weather weekend plus world cup weekend means you will have far more drop out. There were an awful lot of family BBQs happening round us on Sunday afternoon and stretching into to the evening as a pre football get together. A lot of families who are having a BBQ in the afternoon won't also attend a birthday party, even if it's in the morning.

A few of my friends have summer born children. They always have much lower attendance at their parties than their winter born friends and cousins. People generally make the most of the nice weather - days out/ weekends away/ holidays/ family BBQs ect. Whereas in the winter everyone is looking for something to do indoors for relatively cheap.

Valid point. I'm not sure I ever had a birthday party as a child. Aug 31st is probably an awkward date for that.

People are so busy these days they really need reminders.

they really don't. They are just lazy and disorganised, there's no excuse for RSVP yes, put it into your calendar and then decide to ignore it.

If you genuinely are that busy, you won't need reminder, you haven't got time to forget everything.

In this case, it's more that people did not reply (still rude) and the OP assumed they would come regardless, which is not a great idea.

Yeah all this " busy" stuff is such an excuse when every phone has calenders reminders etc in their phones. You don't even have to type it in now just tell the phone ( or use add to calender" if it's a written thing

it's fine if people decline.

It's not fine when they have accepted and then change their mind at the last minute, that's just rude.

But here they didn't even accept anyway 😂

Posted a little early.

Was the party on Sunday?

I only ask because we attended a reception birthday party on Sunday and it also had low attendance. 30 invited 14 turned up. That is low attendance for our class.

What actually happened is there were some parents who were waiting to see what happened with the football (unfortunate date) and if England was playing then they were BBQing or celebrating with other friends through the day in prep for the match. We have a group of dads who are all really good mates (went to school together) and one was going to host a BBQ in the afternoon if England were playing - all 6 of the children in the class whose dad's are mates didn't go because they were at "Billy's dad's BBQ).

There were a couple on holiday.

We've got a set of cousins in DDs class and it was a big family birthday so they couldn't go.

It wasn't malicious, it was circumstance but did result in low attendance of the birthday boys party.

In a similar situation to the OP the boy is new to the reception class this year and she has commented to me (we have babies the same age and chat at baby group) that she finds the parents very closed off and unwelcoming. 24 of the class came from the nursery, 4 more joined. A lot of effort was put in last year - attending whole class parties, WhatsApp group, low pressure holiday playdates "I'm going to X if anyone fancies joining" style playdates. As a result the 24 of us have become more established in friend groups and groups have splintered off and the general whole class WhatsApp message "I'm going to x if anyone wants to join" style invites have ended and instead become private individual invites or invites to their established group. It's not a malicious exclusion or that someone isn't part of the clic, it's more that everyone has established their tribes and it's socially much easier to go to the splash park casually with Jim, Susan and Tom's mums who you talk to at drop off/ pick up than tender it out and possibly have Jane, Dick and Joyce's mums come who you have only smiled at and exchanged pleasantry with.

I'm not blaming OP here but several PP have commented that if they had received her poll they would have interpreted it as her still trying to agree a suitable date for the party. The rudeness of these parents suggests OP is dealing with monkeys, sadly.

What’s a nursery parent? I have two children in reception and year 4 and never heard of this

Or the invitation was clearer about being an invitation…….

We may never know.