Four kids tuned up

[Boymum776]

My son is in Reception, and he’s one of the youngest in the year. We invited his whole class to his birthday party through the class WhatsApp group. There are 30 children in the class. This year I’ve taken my son to pretty much every class party we’ve been invited to, or at least every one we were able to attend. I’ve made an effort to chat to the other parents too, even though a lot of them already know each other because their children all went to the same nursery.

Four children turned up to my son’s party. The venue had a minimum of 12 children, so I still had to pay for 12 places. It’s not even just about the money, it’s seeing your child so excited for their birthday and then watching hardly anyone come. I’m just so angry and disappointed. It honestly feels like a parent popularity contest rather than people thinking about the children. They’re only five years old. At this age, birthdays should be about making kids feel included and celebrated, not about who the parents already know. I feel like writing a bit fuck you in the class chat, obviously I won’t… but HOW do I get over the anger when I have to see these people 5 days a week!

OP this is horrible and unfortunately i think your right its because the mums are closer. I have a teenager and saw this happen in his year. A group of mums were friends and drove friendships between there kids. They would instantly reply tp invites from each others invites. Sadly as the kids got older it became apparent to everyone bar that group of mums that the kids didn't like each other and 3 had significant behaviour issues. This carried right on until early secondary. Other parents got totally fed up with them and there kids as they become more and more cliquey and bitchy. At one point they made a group decision what evey other parent was doing to help towara something for the kids without consulting anyone else. This went down loke a lead ballon.

Although this is horrible for you and your ds learn from it, focus on building friendships with the parents who are left out, the nice ones, the ones who are not part of the clique. If there is a parent you trust ask them do they know why this happened and get your son into activities outside of school so he can build friendships. This situation is toxic your best to have other friendships away from it. Itd also likely to implode at some point between these cliquey mums as the kids get older.

Gosh, how very Kevin and Amanda 😂

That’s insane you went to those levels just to get noticed by the other parents. Why put them on such a pedestal?

I would have definitely been clearer and sent reminders out, I don’t think it’s personal to you I just think the communication wasn’t clear enough.

I think that's a good point. After the poll did you write anything else?

Even with organising the year 6 leavers party where there have been a lot of polls about choices the people who took on the role of organiser would follow up the response. E.g. thanks to all who responded. It looks like inflatables is the option that most people want.

After your poll maybe tagging those people who responded or a general comment saying thanks for those who said they can come to Fred's party. To confirm it's on Sat at 2pm at soft play. Can you please let me know if there are any allergies. See you then.

Another one who thinks you did nothing wrong. I always made sure we went to every party we were invited to for this very reason. When DS was in reception - he's Yr11 now - I gave out physical invitations, put them in parents hands and still had to chase for RSVPs. I suspect that class parties are part of the issue, because for parents they know that their child is probably not really friends with the birthday child, they just happen to be in the same class and B) they think that with so many children going, it wont matter if they don't turn up. I never did class parties, although a lot of children were invited, he invited friends from each class but friends from outside school.

That is rubbish, I’m so sorry for you both.

Was it a July party? I ask because I have two DC with birthdays at what seem to be problematic times of year for both sending and issuing invitations - one is late summer, which meant inviting before school broke up when people were unwilling to commit, and one is shortly after Christmas, which meant chasing RSVPs through December. I find people are just overloaded in both July and December - and also flakier in the summer when it’s hot.

What I found more successful was to either tweak party dates (for a July birthday I might look at end of June), or send out invites earlier. People were much less flakey with November invites for a January party even if it was 8-9 weeks in advance rather than the usual 4-6. I would definitely consider that in future.

The RSVP but don’t bother turning up thing is rude, though I find it rude when people don’t respond one way or another. I do think people are less willing to commit to things and like to keep their options open sometimes.

If you provided details of the party and sent a poll asking who could attend, and 12 said they could... That in my mind wasn't an RSVP. It was a poll asking who COULD attend. It wasn't a firm answer, and shouldn't have been taken as one, in my opinion. You needed parents to actually come back with a 'Hi Boymum776, George will be coming to the party'... that's a reply and confirmation.

Going forward, I wouldn't have entire class parties. I'd ask your son to pick say 5 friends out of his class to invite (or less if he has cousins). Children's parties are a minefield in themselves.

I think July is a very busy month for people already and they won't prioritise a mum they aren't friends unfortunately which is wrong i always take mine to every party as I know what its like being a Christmas birthday myself

Was it a weekday or weekend party? The weekday ones I've been to have not been well attended because of parents at work etc.

Not sure why so many posters are saying an invite and a poll is unclear, that’s how every party on our reception age DD’s WhatsApp has gone - an invite, then a poll confirming numbers. It’s as clear as clear can be. RSVP’ing yes and then not turning up is a shitty move and I’d be tempted to pop a little message in the group saying “thank you to those who came to x’s party, and for his lovely presents, he had a great time.” (That part is a standard in our WhatsApp) then add, “such a shame so many who said they could come didn’t turn up”. You already don’t feel part of the clique - who cares what they think!

Yes classes have cliques. But not a 26 people strong clique. I really don't think this can possibly be a snub. I think maybe your invite wasn't a clear invite if you then felt the need to do a poll (this is a really weird way to do an invite) maybe most people thought it was a provisional "would you come if" invite like a save the date.

It just doesn't make sense. Unless you and your kid have already made big waves within the whole group for being shitty you just would not be snubbed by nearly the entire class.

I don't even know who most of the parents are in our class, I know two mums that's it.

Yeah when my eldest turned 5 ) school summer holidays also) the party involved her childminders kids and all the others she looked after ( she saw these everyday) plus a couple of school friends and 3 girls who lived in our close . The childminder also live opposite me.

So 90 % of the kids would be in the same area of 20 houses and the 2 from school were twins who lived in the next road

It helps immensely not having to deal with parents from school( although tbh my wonderful childminder knew them all better than me obviously)

Oh that’s heartbreaking.

I do think the method of inviting people was a little odd though.

Here it’s with actual paper invites handed out to the children and asking parents to text me with a reply.

I would then text them each individually about 3 days before the party with a casual “I’m just sorting out the party bags for the party this weekend, can I just check you’re ok with ‘x’ having a packet of sweets in there?” (Or something similar) as a gentle reminder.

Direct contact with each individual parent is more effective at making sure people attend.

In a WhatsApp group with a poll it’s much easier for a parent to think, “I’ll just not turn up, after all there’s 11 other children going, they wont notice if mine isn’t there etc….”

…..and if a lot of parents have that train of thought you have the outcome that sadly your son did ☹️

Next time maybe it would be best to send individual invitations ,then follow that up and then check at school gate with parents.

Get confirming asap!

I’m 99% sure this is an invite issue and not a clique issue (although I agree that cliques exist)

Op kids Parries were an eye opener for me on how rotten people can be .
I got advice from here to really chase people and make sure they said yes or no.
My DD bday was straight after term stated in the new school year so I never knew whether to send out at the start or a new busy term or at the end of last term and have people forget over summer.
Smaller house parties.
One year i send them out before summer and had a our half reply yes of no but one lady ! I bumped into her twice over summer and asked ...didnt say yes or no I explained small party she still let me down the day before.
Dreadful awful manners .
Flakey people .
Op next time do a smaller party and keep explaining a d xhsing and have a back up list ?
It's just awful.

Its really shitty and I would have made sure we either came, or made it clear to you ahead of time why we couldnt attend. Tbh we only had a couple of all-class parties - both were well attended but we had very much that same feeling of not pushing our luck - all that excitement and expectation amd what if people dont come!

I do understand how you feel. I'm not great at chasing people either and I do think it contributes.

Is the class chat used for the 'is it non uniform day today' type questions? Timing wise sometimes things just fall badly both with other chatter in the group or what else is happening on the day.

My friend once forgot/ got the time wrong for my child's party in the village hall which was particularly awkward as she was bringing the bouncy castle!

I felt like you did after COVID. My son is an end of march birthday and so two years of birthdays fell in lockdown. It meant that as the class moved to smaller groups, he was never on the reciprocal invite group for those whose birthdays timed better.

He was slower to make friends but it did happen and by the end of primary he had such a good little group that all of this angst was gone and arranging little parties was easy.

At soft play, they tend to run in all different directions and interact very little with the birthday child anyway. I tested mine after several to see if they even knew whose party it was (they failed multiple times!)

You may find that this is actually a positive thing in the long run. He got quality time with a manageable number to forge a better connection and you know which parents are reliable. Focus on this because by next year you'll be inviting his friends rather than everyone anyway.

I don’t have all the phone numbers. It’s at home so it doesn’t matter too much, just hard knowing how much food and party bag stuff to get. Hopefully my son will have a great time regardless but I imagine if we were doing an activity it would be very stressful.

Yes, agree that the whole invite process feels a bit muddled. You've got to do a lot of admin heavy-lifting when organising stuff like that on WhatsApp. The more generic/less personalised and invite seems, the less people feel "on the hook" for sticking into to the plan. Sad but true. How did you solicit dietary/allergy info etc?

You didn’t do anything wrong. If invites via WhatsApp is the norm for your class then the fact people haven’t replies is very shitty.

That being said I find that in general WhatsApp isn’t a great tool for communicating anymore. People have so many group chats and notifications all day long that in invite or question soon gets lost in a sea of text or trumped by another question.

Also….if the parent don’t really fancy a birthday party it’s easy to hide it from their kids if it’s on WhatsApp.

The most effective seems to be a physical printed or written invite taken into school adressed to each child personally and put into book bags or handed out by the teacher. (My DS also made everybody in his class highly aware he had invites that day so the children were already expecting to attend)

The more personal approach does get a better response, I will note though that DS was turning 3 and it’s a very small village preschool/reception mixed class of only 15 children total so parents are a lot more receptive. It is stressful though waiting for replies.

I hope you had a lovely time regardless.

Was it on at a funny time or anything like that?
Do you think it could be a heatwave thing?
Its really odd.

Polls aren’t rsvps. This is an invite/admin issue. It’s got nothing to do with your popularity.

That sounds very upsetting but hopefully, your DS still enjoyed playing with his friends and had a great time?

Do you normally host play dates during the year? I think if you don’t routinely do this, other parents won’t get to know you and you’ll drop off their radar?

Also, some parents are useless at basic admin and need constant reminders so maybe only invite 3 or 4 kids next year and send reminder texts.

I never did whole class parties as such because DS went to a village school and there were just 6 boys in his class and all the boy parents held birthday parties during primary school and invited just the boys. They were all friends together during Primary but now that the boys are in a much bigger secondary school in the next town 7 miles away, DS has drifted away from the other boys from Primary and has a different set of friends.