Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

It’s not being descriptive to laugh at someone and tell them they are weird. ‘Gay boy’ is technically descriptive but the bit before as well as the context are not.

Being gay does not give you a free pass to insult a young child. An 8 year old saying he's a gay boy shouldn't provoke him to that point. And why is he talking about crushes all the time? My two teen boys have plenty of other things to to talk about- I hear them talking to friends all the time and they never talk about having crushes.

8 yr old likely parroting a phrase, she doesn’t know what homophobia is, whereas a 13 yr old gay male to go straight to stupid bitch is vile. You should be ashamed that your son speaks to anyone like that never mind a young child.

Ffs put your prejudices away - please . . .

No, he shouldn't have called the 8 year old a bitch.
However, being 13 is a really difficult age for most dc especially one that feels different already and I sympathise with him in that regard.
I think he should apologise for his language but the 8 year old needs educating.

He refused to, though, didn’t he? Massive overreaction from your son, but you were already leading with pre-emptive excuses for your DS - he feels on the defensive due to past experience etc.

Being gay isn’t a pass for anything - the issue is his behaviour, not his sexuality. The fact he’s struggled to make friends for years also suggests issues. Being gay alone does not usually cause issues. Constantly talking about crushes is also odd. Especially with an 11yo.

Both children were wrong and should both apologise. Your DS is older and should not have used the words he did, he could have said shut up stupid or something similar.

not bowing down, she needs to apologise first, she was worse etc etc.

this level of indignation and anger isn't healthy

Where’s the prejudice in @GregoryFluff ’s post?

Look I can’t stand homophobia, but although what she said was unkind and she should have been pulled up on it, I doubt at 8 years old she is actually homophobic. She had likely heard the term somewhere and she’s also probably not at all used to hearing a boy discuss their crushes on other boys. So it probably sounds ‘weird’ to her. And we all know you g kids say stupid stuff sometimes. A calmer response from your son would have likely triggered a teachable moment for her. But his verbally aggressive reaction to a child significantly younger than him took the spotlight off the 8 year old and fixed it firmly on him. I’d expect a child his age to have more self control in a situation like this.

Your son is a boy that is gay. She shouldn't be teasing him or mocking him about it. He can't change who he is. He shouldn't be swearing at her or calling her nanes. He needs to practice appropriate come backs. He also needs to think anout if he would have behaved the same with someone bigger and older because I didn't think he would have. They are all kids. They are all learning. They all fell short on this occasion. Although, I do wonder if the parents are homophonic because my kids wouldn't be calling anyone a gay boy. May mine are a bit sheltered, but they wouldn't know what that was.

She’s year 3 they are just starting the journey on knowing what life is about. Your son shouldn’t have spoken to her like that it was probably quite new for her. We live in a love who you want house hold and my 8 year old has come out with things like “that’s gay” and we have had conversations that some times men love women and sometimes men love men. But it’s a brand new concept to him. Not sheltered life but lack of life experience.

@PrincessofWills
How so
The OP quotes exactly what he said and the circumstances leading up to it
Talking about boys, little girl overhears and makes fun/says something not appropriate
He's embarrassed so he starts calling her names and telling her to fuck off
You'd be happy with that if it was one of yours? Really?

I'm surprised at some of these comments. His response was not great but an eight-year-old is plenty old enough to know not to mock people. Both kids behaved badly and both should have apologised.

Why is your 13 year old talking to an 8 year old about crushes?! That is pretty weird!

regardless your son called a much younger child an incredibly offensive misogynist term because he lost his temper. Yabu. He should apologise and so should you.
no she shouldn’t have said that but she’s 8 - she’s probably completely unaware.

Your son's reaction was a bit OTT but he was just being honest - she was being a bitch!

The 8 year old overheard if you actually read it correctly.

You are calling a child a bitch? @MyLimeGuide ?

She was being a bitch by being homophobic. He had a point.

For me the difference is she is 8 and needs to be educated about what is unacceptable to say.

A 13yr old knows what is unacceptable but still chose to be vile.

The fact that you had to ask him to apologise and yet he refused highlights we all have different parenting methods. Good luck!

How can a 8 year old be a bitch? These comments from pp are bizarre

All I'm getting from you is that your son can do no wrong.

I've never heard of a 10 year old "coming out" (I hate that term and think it's very outdated) before.

This.

insane.

A 13 year old shouldn’t be talking to an 11 year old about crushes, and certainly not where an 8 year old can hear the conversation