Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

This is the problem with massively overreacting to a situation, you stop the original person taking any responsibility because what you've done totally overshadows it.

No the op has done nothing wrong. Not crap parenting all round. Just crap parenting from the parents raising a homophobic child who then sat back and did nothing when their child subjected another child to homophobia. Crap parenting on so many levels.

No, but can see you’re not planning to desist with the frankly disturbing behaviours towards a child!
wonder if you’d be so vitriolic if it had been an 8 yo boy?

Ah yes, you are completely excusing her then

Honestly HOW do you make that reach?!

Vitriolic? 🤣🤣

Yes, if an 8 year old boy had used homophobic insults and laughed at someone who was gay who then told him to "Fuck off you cock/arsehole/twat/bastard..." then I'd be sympathetic to the victim whilst also thinking they reacted a little strongly (but understandably) the same as I do here

I do,however, suspect if the 13 year old was a girl who had been laughed at by an 8 year old boy and called a "lezza/lesbo/weird lesbian" and she had reacted you'd fully be on her side

Because I read what they said

Oh don't be silly.
The little girl should have been told not to say what she did by her parents as it's not nice.

and the boy told by his parents his behaviour was out of order. His father ideally.
Look son I know you're having a tough time but it's not on to speak like that...

Homophobia from an 8-year-old? Ridiculous.

Both sets of parents need to grow the fuck up and parent their kids.

Homophobia from an 8 is not ridiculous it’s devastating for the children on the end of it.

I completely agree with your description of the n word. I would just add that it has been reclaimed by Black people.

So the fact that bitch has been reclaimed by women is irrelevant. A man saying 'stupid bitch' is being misogynistic. Andrew Tate and his followers often use the word and they do not mean it in a "strong-willed and independent" way.

OP did tell her DS he was out of order and needed to apologise ....

Yes, the 8 year old used homophobic language and attitude. It's not ridiculous

The 8 -year-old should definitely be told that her language was very bad and she should apologise or write a note but the decision is up to her parents. Your son needs to develop his interests whether it’s sport or music theatre computers books and needs to learn what to do when he feels upset because what is doing right now is no good at all

What are you on about? An 8-year-old child does not know what 'homophobia' is.
Jeez. Enough. This thread is just daft.

Nope the word bitch is widely used across social media and among younger generations of both sexes. It’s in no way comparable and the wronged child here was the one on the end of homophobia. Just vile.

So an 8 year old is unable of knowing what racism , ableism and homophobia are. Wow. Maybe in your household but not in households that raise children properly and to be decent human beings.

Hmm so you're saying the women on this thread calling it misogynistic are wrong. What if I said "gay boy" isn't homophobic and has been reclaimed etc. Does that make it ok to say? No it doesn't.

I find it strange that you are so set on telling women what they can and can't be offended by and defending a 13 year old boy for calling an 8 year old a stupid bitch.

Clearly we will never agree on this so I'll bow out now.

This level of talking about "crushes" to 11 year olds, in front of both sets of parents and an 8 year old, is not normal regardless of sexuality.

13 year olds do not normally tell neighbor 11 year olds about "their crushes" whilst sitting with parents and younger siblings.

The 13 year old sounds as though his sexuality has been made into his only identity ever since he was a pre teen.

A 13 year old and an 8 year old are developmentally so far apart that the idea of a 13 year old having any excuse for calling an 8 year old a "bitch" and telling her to fuck off is even less developmentally sound than thinking a 13 year old and a developmentally average adult should be held equally responsible if they get into a fist fight.

I really doubt this happened - nobody is this blinkered about sexualising children and about the difference between an 8 and a 13 year old!

Why isn't it normal? The kids may go to the same school and with few friends and living next door they may be close. Not every child is the same by any stretch. I'm at a loss how you know his sexuality is his only personality or how children are being sexualised?

No, the 8 year old and her parents are not "more" in the wrong than your son. Both are wrong, but more is expected of a 13 year old than an 8 year old.

The 8yr old was rude and should have been told off immediately by her parents, but your son is 5 years older than this girl, called her a stupid bitch, told her to fuck off, then refused to apologise. I think your neighbours did the right thing in leaving at that point, as the situation clearly wasn't going to improve.

No. You are purposely missing my point.

What level?

A 13 and an 11 year old talking about crushes isn't odd

They could have been sat elsewhere and talking and little sister starts butting in the way younger siblings do

You've added so much to this narrative to justify your own homophobia

Your the one sexualising children if anything

Its exactly what you said
Because he reacted then what she did doesn't matter

My 8 year old does. By year 3/4 kids are being taught equality and diversity. Depending on what their school's are teaching and when they may be fully aware. Also anyone who's parents are gay or have gay friends will know.

An 8 year old has significantly less ability to understand the nuances of language, what's socially appropriate, and also many don't really even know what sexuality is really about, so the concept of homophobia as such doesn't apply.

When they make rude or inappropriate comments they need some guidance.

A 13 year old is a totally different story and he was completely inappropriate. He lost his bottle and I think that's not a shock, it's very human, but not the same thing.

I'm not surprised her parents took her home .

Like everyone here I only know whats in the OP 's posts.

I have four children, the youngest is 15, and have had teenagers through the house for a decade, plus I worked in education with secondary age for a lot longer.

Generally teenagers do not sit around talking about "crushes" if adults are in the room (they may talk to the adults separately, but they don't gossip about crushes with younger children in front of adults) and they definitely don't usually have that sort of conversation in front of much younger siblings. At 13 it's all embarrassing - they talk but not in that mixed setting and never in front of little children.