AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

[Parker135]

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

Hang on though..I get what everyone is saying and I thought the same when I first read the op but read all her updates at once. The man doesn't spend any time with her..so yes, you behaviour is controlling OP but behind it all is your.partner doesn't have time for you ! Your trying to fix it and get reassurance.and you will never get enough and become suffocating..what you want is for him to give something up to create time to spend with you which he is not doing. But you have not asked either ?

He spends as much time with me as he can but he doesn’t understand that spending time at home doesn’t necessarily mean quality time!!

What does that look like though?

We aren't there and our individual experiences will all be different so you need to be clear for people to understand.

Eg is the only time you spend together an hour after work while you eat dinner and one of you showersrs/gets ready to go out? Do you sit and watch films together? What does quality time look like to you?

This is the reason I'm not going to criticise you for being overly sensitive & needy. Your posts give the impression your boyfriend is one of the good guys with the exception of arranging quality time together. Everyday mundane life at home is fine but it doesn't include fun & romance. It's no wonder you are pressing for him to show his feelings. Actions speak louder than words. If sport & friends always take priority in his life there should be some serious conversations in the pipeline.

OP and I say this kindly, your behaviour is likely to push him away. The exact opposite of what you want. You sound like you're lacking in self esteem and confidence in yourself. You need to give him space and to to try to do some things separately for yourself-going to the gym for instance?
Listen to podcasts about validation. You don't need anyone else to validate you.

If he already days he loves you without promptly then please know that not many people do that willingly.
He needs to be able to pursue a hobby without feeling guilty for doing it. That really takes the shine of it and will make something he enjoys into something miserable.
I know it's easy to lean on someone else but to be that attached isn't healthy-if you're together all the time then what will you talk about? You need to be your own person. Give yourself some freedom to let him go and for yourself to let go. You'll feel much better without the anxiety. I wish you all the best.

How old are you @Parker135

How long have you been together?

Do you live together?

3 years and yes we live together

Haven’t heard from him all day since this morning and he’s still out

Look, it’s not working for you!

So what? You need to entertain yourself. It must be absolutely suffocating being forced to check in constantly. I couldn’t live like that.

You say you don’t get much time together. This is just life for adults really. Me and my husband see each other every day yes because we live in the same house but the reality of life means there’s work, hobbies, family and friends to see and life admin to all fit in to the week meaning we can’t just spend quality time together as we’d like.

I take it your partner is coming home every evening and you sleep in the same bed? What more is it that you actually want from him?

Do you have catch ups in the evening asking each other how you days were? As long as you’re remember to connect and talk every day and on occasion you both make the effort to go out for a meal or something, what more do you want?

You're actually not answering the questions that people are asking which would enable them to respond from an informed position.

I wonder why that is.

If you don't get help OP, don't be surprised if he leaves because you sound suffocating and incredibly needy rather than controlling.
Personally your behaviour would drive me slowly insane. You need help and he isn't the one who can give it. You need to go to therapy and find the root of your problems. Good luck.

You need to get yourself into therapy asap, or you could find he has had enough and ends the relationship. If you were my DP, you’d be driving me absolutely insane.

You sound over needy and controlling. He’s going to feel suffocated unless you deal with it.

I agree with pps, you need to do something about your insecurities. It would drive me mad having to constantly reassure someone like this.

Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
Where in your life history does this come from?
Have you behaved like this in previous relationships?
I recommend individual therapy for you.
I would absolutely feel smothered and would leave if someone behaved the way you are doing.

You need your own life independent of him. You are too needy and that’s not attractive, so he is likely to want to leave if you carry on like this.

The fact you have to ask this is concerning.

Literally all of your behaviour is controlling and smothering. Even going to his sports event is quite controlling and id imagine he gets mocked by his friends, its a bit stalker-ish and you can't get anything out of it.

What exactly does that mean?
When he comes home to shower and eat and rest that is quality time with you?

If so you are being used to share costs.

That is not a relationship, its a house share.

He needs a break from you !

I don't know if I've missed even more since yesterday but this is TOTALLY NORMAL. I've been married over 15 years, we've been together 2 decades. He works a job where it would be dangerous for him to answer the phone at all times. We only really message during the day if it's something about logistics or we've just remembered something that needs checking. We don't message each other sweet nothings. We live together and see each other all the time. We rarely see each other in the morning as he starts work earlier than I and the kids need to wake up. I don't need reassurance from him because I'm secure in knowing he loves me and cares for me.