AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

[Parker135]

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

As well as attending therapy, you could also try reading the book, Women Who Love Too Much.

My god this is not abusive. Otherwise everything's abusive. It IS terribly insecure though. Why do you feel this way? Are you worried he's having too much fun without you? - Perhaps he is? You do have a right to spend time together in a relationship and not just be a housekeeper for him.

OP - No one here can tell you whether the amount if time you spend together is sufficient. You and he need to agree that. It might be that you have different ideas of what an ideal relationship looks like. That might be insurmountable and you may need to go your separate ways.

The answer is not to become increasingly clingy until you destroy the relationship anyway.

Have a think about what you want, calmly discuss this with him and see if you can reach an agreement about quality time. If you can't then perhaps it's time to call it a day.

Expecting other people to modify their behaviours to avoid triggering anxiety responses is controlling and control is emotionally abusive.

Like when men tell their girlfriends what they can and can't wear so that they don't attract other men's attention, nearly all controlling behaviour is triggered by anxiety and insecurity and a need for the 'abuser' to change their partner's behaviour to avoid their own uncomfortable feelings.

It’s hard to say from this snapshot whether you’re incompatible, he isn’t prioritising the relationship or you’re being controlling - possible a combination of all 3.

How much sport, friends stuff etc are we talking about? It isn’t great that you’re doing all the cooking (and other domestic chores?). It’s easy to fall into that rut and then you have kids and it gets worse!

I wouldn’t want to watch him do his sport for hours with no acknowledgement from him so I’d probably knock that on the head (mostly, maybe go and support him for big events) or take a friend and see it as a day out and not expect anything from him.

You are going to have to find a way of controlling yourself OP, or you will drive him away.
You need to learn to manage your anxieties about the relationship without sharing them with him until you are absolutely certain, with a clear head, and not emotionally driven, that you are justified.
At the moment you are impulsive. You feel it, you say it. Then with hindsight you wonder if you're being fair. By which time the damage has been done.
I'd suggest that next time you feel insecure, or that you're not getting enough attention or whatever, you say nothing to him. That you go away, write down what happened and why it happened. How you felt, and then think carefully about whether how you felt was a reasonable response or an insecurity one.
If you're not sure, ask a good friend, or even on here.
The other important thing to do is to learn to when to stop and leave him be. Because your instinct now will be to chase him to make you feel better. He will read this as more criticism, more suffocation and will react in a way that makes you feel worse.
Distract yourself and when you see him, don't go over this.

OP, how much quality time do you actually spend together?

Have you had a calm and rational conversation about spending quality time together or does it just manifest in the ways you've described?

How do you know he's not taking the piss and never spending much time with her but expects her to make him breakfast and lunch? Thus making her very insecure.

From OP's post I'd say she is one who is quite timid and likely to dress up things to make them sound better than they are/or make it sound like it's all her fault. I could be wrong. (and no offence to OP!)

If this was reversed you op would be told to leave yes you are being controlling, he is not a dog to train

Your updates clarified that you barely see one another, @Parker135, and spend very little meaningful time together.

When you believe you're in a relationship, being relegated to whenever your partner can spare a few minutes in between his other, more important, activities can definitely make you insecure.

You are expressing this insecurity dysfunctionally. Perhaps because you aren't prepared to admit the relationship doesn't work for you?

Me too. I can"t bear needy ppl who need constant assurances of love.

Not having an extreme level of neediness to the point where our partners are considering breaking up with us, makes no-one a 'cool girl'.

I agree with building your own confidence OP. That way you won’t need the external validation as much from him. I get the impression that this behaviour might be coming more from a place of insecurity rather than wanting to control him.

Ultimately though, it will push him away and is also not very nice for you to go through each day.

Can you join some clubs or fitness groups etc? It might be worth speaking to someone about these worries to try to address them too.

It sounds like you have rejection dysphoria and have been placing the need to soothe it onto him, which is controlling. Like... the RSD is controlling you...and then you're controlling him.
The need for validation and reassurance is exhausting for the other person and actually can feel highly hurtful too . (I have a friend with RSD and I remember thinking once, "what, you're going to invalidate our entire history and friendship because you imagine that I just was "cold" there in my body language? Does our whole history count for nothing? Don't you remember my affection for you?" ...I was pretty angry about it at that stage and would find it exhausting and smothering in a romantic partner
(Actually my emotionally abusive ex used to do this insecure thing of "you don't love me" etc and it was part of his emotional manipulation. I don't think you're purposefully doing that but it has a similar effect).
I have way more empathy for my friend now as I understand it's RSD, and crucially SHE now understands it's RSD instead of blaming me. But I think you need therapy to help you with this .
RSD and that type of insecurity is often linked to trauma in childhood, or being neurodiverse, or both, so you could look into that . I have inattentive ADHD myself plus childhood trauma and I have found IFS (internal family systems, also called parts work) to be way more effective therapy for me than counselling etc. But see what works for you.
Good luck with this. It's very positive that you have been willing to listen and accept that the strong possibility is that the problem lies with you. It does, but try not to feel ashamed about that. Seek help for it and you can learn to need less reassurance from yoir partner, your need for reassurance has definitely become a problem to be addressed urgently. Your partner clearly loves you but he is at the end of his tether with it.

The relationship just isn’t working for you. Move on, and find someone you can see more often.

As a one off, no it wouldn't be. But it's not a one off, it's part of a pattern of behaviour intended to intimidate her partner into modifying his own behaviour.

You sound quite controlling OP and you are showing some red flags. It sounds like your partner may be feeling suffocated.

Why did you ask him to hug you again if he was in a rush to get to work? I barely say bye to my partner when I'm rushing the door - are you quite young? The only person I hug and kiss goodbye to on any meaningful way on a daily basis is my child

In any case, best you DON'T bring a child into this relationship before you've sorted this out. They will only get 100x worse with kids in the picture.

I don’t know if you’re becoming more anxious and needy because he ignores you sometimes or vice versa. It’s hard to tell. I know that in the past I have become a bit like you at the front door when I wasn’t feeling loved in other ways and got shouted at and blamed like you do. I would suggest personal therapy to help you make sense of if he is actually a good boyfriend or is only a good boyfriend sometimes, when you behave, and if he can meet your needs.

You're going to push him away behaving like this. He sounds like a lovely boyfriend and short of sticking to your side like glue nothing seems to be good enough.

You need to get some help to find out why you behave like this, if you don't want to lose him. Do you have a life outside of him, meeting friends etc?

You desperately need therapy. Your constant neediness is absolutely going to drive him away, and if you apply it to other people in your life it will drive them away too.

And yes, letting your anxieties/insecurities start leaking out to control other people is absolutely controlling and can even be abusive at extremes.

What a useful addition to the proceedings. Well done!

OP, your insecurities are destroying your relationship. Have you sought any professional help? If you haven't, then you need too urgently.

Your boyfriend can't do anything right, can he? No matter what he does, you want more and more. He'd already given you a kiss, told you he loved you 10 minutes before leaving this morning, yet that wasn't good enough and you demanded more.

If he's playing a sport and you're watching, how do you expect him to behave?! He can't leave every 10 minutes to come reassure you and give you attention.

Your expectations from your boyfriend are unreasonable and emotionally exhausting. Whatever he says or does it never ever enough, and you'll never be satisfied.

To be blunt... it's not your boyfriend's responsibility to 'fix' you. Him having to constantly reassure you, isn't actually helping you at all, it feeds those anxieties and insecurities. You need to recognise that your behaviour is unreasonable, that it needs to change and seek proper professional support.

If you don't seek professional support OP, you will drive your boyfriend away.

I mean you might not be wrong, but since this is your only post on the thread, one could say it's just as useful to the OP 😁

I can see why you are feeling like you are. All his free time is spent with him doing his sport and maybe expects you to watch him prancing around. A small bit of affection and that’s it, you are taking the time he could be planning his next thrill.

Of course he says you are controlling because you are interrupting his free time. I am sorry but it will not improve even if you have a family you/they will spoil his liberties. He will always want to be peterpan, you doing the shopping and preparing the meals and doing the housework. I have lived through this and it was a shame I didn’t see it happening, everyone thought what a great person he was but there was no family life.