AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

[Parker135]

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

No. I think you must be seeing what you want to see. People are telling you that you need to have therapy and get to the bottom of why you are so dependent on your partner.

You need to be an independent person in your own right and you need to have a social life that doesn’t revolve around your partner so that when you’re together that’s the icing on the cake not the whole cake. I’m afraid if I was his mum I’d be anxious about him and may even suggest he ends it because it’s no life living with a needy person. At the moment you are never satisfied as you need constant reassurance and attention.

You're not going to change him. You're naturally more uptight, and he's naturally more laid-back. Expecting him to change is no different from him expecting you to be more relaxed. People can compromise, but they rarely change who they are at their core. If you keep pushing for that, I think you'll eventually drive him away.

he isn’t enough people
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/300997-ok-now-let-s-have-some-fun-let-s-talk-about-sex

get more people

Dude you need to fucking chill. You sound so unbelievably cloying. You definitely need to speak to somebody about your issues because what you've described is intense and unusual and must be unbearable to live with.

Going to guess you’re under 25 and if not, this is very concerning behaviour. When young before the brain is fully developed, it can be usual to be needier and more insecure. As you get older and mature, you realise how cringe that sort of behaviour is and unclench / you actually just care less I think.

You’re both busy people with lots going on, him perhaps more than you so it can feel like ships passing in the night. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong as such, you’re expecting him to offer time he doesn’t physically have. Perhaps you’re incompatible.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

There is a weird dynamic here where he does very little housework/cooking and you seem to make that better by forcing kisses and hugs.

It’s very toxic. For your own wellbeing, I’d call it a day.

From your post you do seem to be in constant need of attention and reassurance. Reading through it all sounds very suffocating.
Real love is not shown through words and gestures on demand.

If I hugged my partner and told him I loved him, and he then complained because I hadn't hugged him again 10 minutes later, when I was running late for work, I would absolutely consider that controlling and incredibly needy. I couldn't live like that.

I also couldn't live with someone who needed my attention all the time, to the detriment of other things I was doing.

Reassurance seeking is a classic behavioir of anxiety.

When you seek reassurance from your partner, not only are you reinforcing your need for reassurance to your own brain, but you are also causing rifts between you and your partner because he is rightly finding the compulsive need for reassurance stifling and exhausting.

The only way to move forward healthily is to understand the reason for your behaviour and get help with it. And yes, even if anxiety is not a nasty trait, the behaviours you are displaying are obviously damaging your relationship and pushing your partner away.

I hope you get help, anxiety absolutely sucks but understanding it can help and therapy helps masses, you can completely change it and remove the need for anxious behavior xx

It's his own fault for snapping the stick.

If you’re going to his sports matches to watch him play, that’s what you’re there to do, watch him play. He can’t be waving at you every two minutes or running over for a hug mid match.

It sounds like he can’t do wrong from right. He gave you a hug and told you he loved you yet you still had an issue because he didn’t do it right before he left the house so you called him to discuss it. It sounds suffocating.

Also, why are you making his breakfasts and lunches. He’s a grown man he can pour his own cereal.

I realise this may seem harsh, OP, but I actually disagree with the people who say it's a good thing you have insight into the harm you are causing with your behaviour, because I don't think you do have that insight. I think the sole reason you are questioning yourself now is that you realise there is a possibility he might actually leave you. That alone is giving you pause and I don't think you really think you've done anything wrong.

None of us here know anything about your relationship but what you have told us and it could be that you do have good reason to feel so insecure. But the dynamic you describe isn't healthy for either of you and if you can't get to the bottom of your clinginess, you would both be better off apart.

I hope you manage to sort it out, because the man you describe sounds very much worth having around. Just remember though that he stays/expresses affection/spends time with you because he wants to, not because you force him to.

I think you would find therapy extremely helpful OP.

You have insecurity and abandonment issues and you’re not going to be able to have a healthy adult relationship until you’ve worked on that.

It may be that as part of that process you realise that you’re not compatible - he’s triggering something in you. Possibly you’d be better off apart anyway.

Have you experienced this before?

I'll be honest you sound like a bloody nightmare!

How another adults puts up with this shit I don't know!

You are one massive red flag, you're abusive and controlling!

Sort yourself out OP soon, before he leaves you, though what is making him stay I don't know.

I think the deliberately making him late for work is abusive by insisting on a second round of hugs and demanding someone says they love you and then phoning him when he’s on way to work. He’s hardly going to be a great place for a productive day.
The continuing to have a go. You say he’s not pulling his weight re breakfast and lunch, he apologies and says he’s been doing other stuff. That should be end of it.
It honestly sounds like you aren’t compatible and should split up.

!00% agree with his and it pisses me off no end, people can disagree with you and not be a "cool girl" we can just be a woman who has a different opinion than you !

You sound incredibly needy. Maybe seek counselling. Or he might get fed up of this.

Oh bore off!

People can disagree with each other and call out ridiculous controlling abusive behaviour and not be a mean girl or a cool girl

How about educated woman with opinions and who can see through bullshit?

Ignore anyone saying abuse 🙄

you need counselling, or cbt. Sounds like anxiety, low self esteem or adhd. You’ve recognised the issues which is good. Others will never understand if they don’t have it.

hate to admit but I am exactly the same. Mine comes from issues in childhood and more recently that I’m trying to gain back some control from losing control in other areas (health, in laws etc) it’s not coming from an abusive controlling nature, it’s like I’m trying to cope and it’s coming out in my behaviour. Counselling is the way forward x

OP you are very, very clingy.
Poor man can hardly breathe!
You are not joined at the hip!

I’m glad that you recognise that your behaviour is the problem in this relationship. The question is; what are you going to do about it? I do believe that you will lose this man if you continue to behave this way- either because he leaves you or worse because you this situation will turn him into someone even he doesn’t know anymore.

If the situation was reversed and the man was behaving as she is, it would 100% be labelled abuse.

You're not calling it abuse as you admit you display the same behaviour and you can't accept your actions are abusive can you.

I don't. No one does because she hasn't said.

People quite often don't start to make connections until they start talking about it or they're so focused on one problem that they don't see the others until they reveal themselves. So, hopefully, she'll say more.

If his behaviour is the cause of her anxiety or there is nothing wrong with his behaviour but their relationship needs aren't compatible, then she probably need to reconsider the relationship.

Compatible relationship needs are something I don't think a lot of people consider when they're in it. They just try to work out who is in the wrong when, often, no one is, they just need different things and someone else would suit them just fine.

I had a boyfriend like this, constantly needed to reassure him, he was always asking how much I loved him/will we be together forever etc and it totally ruined it. I got so fed up of it all and finished with him solely for this reason. He was the funniest and nicest person I have ever met but he just got worse and worse. Please get help op, you will be so glad you did. It can’t be nice for you or him.

OP, go easy on yourself. Some strong reactions here.
It sounded to me like you've got work to do on your attachment style, so perhaps start with that. Often this can become problematic in relationships but acknowledging it is the first step, do some research on yours (nice and steady or you'll get overwhelmed). There's ways to get your needs for reassurance met without it becoming overwhelm on the other person. Foster open, non-confrontational convos with your partner focusing on how you can balance your needs. Respectful language in these convos is key, it's a process so don't feel you have to solve everything all at once. Keep at it, pace yourselves and you'll find there's ways forward without you feeling unloved or him feeling overwhelmed.
From the heart, it might be worth having some therapy, and I mean that in a kind way ❤️ I had a lot of work to do on my attachment style because I grew up very unloved by my dad and projected this onto men by not giving them a chance to love me, so I expressed it differently but still affected my relationships by being cold. Do the therapeutic work whether self help or 1-1, and I promise it will pay off 🫶 you got this, you've acknowledged the challenges now you can start to work on it xx