AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

[Parker135]

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

@Parker135 It's good that you've recognised that you are the issue here, so the question now is what are you going to do about it, and is it too late for this relationship?

I would find a therapist today, and get your first appointment booked in. When DP gets home this evening, tell him what you've told us; that you've realised you have a problem, and acknowledge that it is causing issues in your relationship. Tell him you are committed to working on yourself and to the relationship, and that you've got an appointment with a therapist on X day.

You'll just need to wait and see if he's willing to wait while you do the work, or if the damage is too great. Whether the relationship continues or not, it's important that you get therapy, as this is an issue you will carry forward into other relationships if it's not addressed.

You want more time than this man is prepared to give you. I think you need to find someone more suited and then you'll probably find you're not at all demanding or controlling.

It's not unreasonable to want to feel like a priority in a relationship.

Take a step back and describe your relationship from the start rather than focusing on your behaviour in the present.

If from the start of your relationship you always came pretty far down the list of priorities after work, sports, friends etc then it was naive to think you would be bumped up if you focused on meeting his needs for a housekeeper/cheerleader. If he used to make time for you both to spend together but is now concerned primarily with himself and you get to be his support human, receive a little affection on his terms when it suits him but your needs in the relationship are largely unmet you are bound to feel unsettled.

When we know that something is wrong it is actually easier to blame ourselves. If we are the problem we can do things differently and fix the issue and keep the relationship. If the problem lies outside us it lies outside our control. It is more scary to admit to yourself that the relationship is not meeting your needs and there is nothing that you can do with a partner who does not recognise that a relationship requires the input of both parties to function. It won’t work if one party takes priority and the other plays a supporting role.

But you do have a choice. Stop trying to fix things. Stop being a housekeeper and cheerleader. He will soon learn to think ahead if you don’t do the thinking for him. Does he expect you to do the domestic stuff and watch him play sports? From now on you’re to busy meeting your own needs. If he withdraws the little affection you receive it’s not genuine but a reward for being a good girl. Controlling for want of a better term.

Also consider past relationships and what you learnt about relationships whilst growing up. It’s not inconceivable that your parents had a good relationship where both had independent fulfilling lives but also shared domestic chores and childcare and importantly made time to spend together and truly valued each other. Or they may have a had a terrible relationship.

All we know is that you currently feel deeply insecure and are behaving in ways that cause you upset and are upsetting the dynamic of your relationship. We don’t know why you currently feel insecure. If this is a rational response therapy will not help you in the long term. It may help you tolerate the intolerable by blaming yourself though in the short term.

Good for your son.

I also believe that the reason we hear more about controlling men is not becuase there are more of them vs women, but somehow, the way we have socialised our men and our women means that the women put up with it (my SIl felt "guilty" she didn't like the same things he did) while men are more likely to call time, "This doesn't work for me and I don't want to do it" long before it is too hard to leave.

Sadly these women often then subsequently damage their children. There's a reason we tend to hear about narcissistic men and narcissistic mothers ....

You don't sound very aligned.

He will organise dinner but is more of a sort it last minute whereas you like to plan in advance. Neither are wrong - they are just different.

You clearly suffer with low self esteem and need constant reassurances from him. He doesn't feel this way and sees your need for constant reassurance as control.

Yes you are being controlling, and I think you do realise it.

If I were your boyfriend I could not live with your constant, irrepressible neediness. It would have the opposite effect to what you want - pushing away, not pulling closer.You have to give a person room to breathe.

This is very good advice.

You need therapy.

You also don’t need to be watching some sport in which he won’t be talking to you for hours.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous.

I can definitely see his point on this. Can you, OP? You really are risking driving him away.

You're being really unreasonable and unfair. I wouldn't be in a relationship if I were this insecure, it's dreadfully managing for the other person.

Yes, you are being controlling and suffocating. I personally wouldn’t be able to deal with this. I echo what PPs have said, if it’s an option for you, please seek therapy to unpick your insecurity. Years ago I was you in some ways, and therapy helped me to get to the root of the issue. I’m no longer like this today.

You sound insecure and horribly needy. You will drive him away.

Have you considered therapy?

Your behaviour is controlling.

• Reassurance-seeking provides temporary relief but can perpetuate a harmful cycle of doubt and dependence, impacting both partners emotionally.

“10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again.”

I’m sorry but this reminds me of my eight year old, who claims I ‘haven’t kissed her’ before leaving so I have to do it about five times. I jokingly get her to sign my hand to confirm receipt of kiss.

Making him kiss you like that sucks any joy out of it. You are smothering him as he has clearly spelt out. It sounds as if you only care because you’ve realised you could now lose him. Therapy is the way forward

Frankly, you sound like very, very hard work. I not sure that it really has much to do with the sport or the division of tasks. You just sound so, so demanding. To get upset because he didn’t hug you and tell you he loves you when he’d only done it ten minutes earlier is absolutely ridiculous.

You know that your demands are driving him away, but you don’t seem able to stop yourself making them. Other than suggesting you develop more of your own interests, perhaps some volunteering,so that your self-worth is not wholly dependent on him, I’m afraid I don’t know the solution.

You sound exhausting. Could not be arsed with this.

🤣

You want him to stop midway through his sport to acknowledge you? This is definitely true.

No idea how to vote on this as don’t know what each option would be for. But, yes, it sounds like you’re being stiflingly clingy. You talk about his friends and hobbies, do you have any? I think you need to be less entrenched in him and his life and find your own things. I’m not saying break up, just finding you time and fulfilment that doesn’t involve him.

I would get counselling asap and stop making a relationship the centre of your universe.

Just because a behaviour stems from anxiety / low self-esteem / ADHD or any other condition, that doesn't mean it isn't abusive. The negative impact on the other person is the same regardless of the cause.

Constantly demanding reassurance and starting arguments for your partner's attention absolutely can be emotionally abusive, regardless of the reason. I would certainly say that kicking off at one's partner because they hugged you once in ten minutes rather than twice is, in fact, emotionally abusive, ultra needy and attention-seeking behaviour. The impact on the other person, who is being constantly held directly responsible for their partner's emotional wellbeing and constantly expected to jump to fulfil their every wish for attention and reassurance, is the same whether the person has anxiety / self-esteem problems / ADHD or not.

It's not unreasonable to want to feel like a priority in a relationship

It is unreasonable, though, to believe that not getting two hugs in the space of ten minutes, or going for a couple of hours without a conversation while your partner is in the middle of competing in a sporting event, somehow means you're not a priority in a relationship.

If 'feeling like a priority' for the OP means she requires constant attention and constant reassurance, and she can't accept not always been the focal point of her husband's attention 24/7 - to the point where she kicks off if he hasn't hugged her twice in 10 minutes, and can't watch him play cricket or whatever without him talking to her throughout the match - there is something very, very badly wrong, and that something isn't her partner.

The issue is you and I really think that you need counselling and lot of hard work on being less needy. Honestly don't be surprised if your boyfriend breaks up with you.

Your insecurity is ruining your relationship. Yes, you're being extremely clingy and controlling.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.
After he left, I called him and he was really angry.

You knew he was running late, he'd already hugged and kissed you and told you he loved you, and you got upset because he wouldn't soothe your insecurity when you demanded it just a few minutes later when he had to leave. That's not rational behaviour and I think it's a form of emotional abuse. You demand attention when you want no matter whether he's trying to get out the door to work or playing a sport. It's taken over your life and you're trying to control his actions.

He is not there to soothe your anxiety or insecurity on demand.

This relationship sounds very unhealthy and you could look at getting therapy.

I sure wouldn't live like this, I would have been gone already.

It is abusive, and at some point we all need to take responsibility for our actions as adults and stop trying to blame our poor behaviour on our childhoods.

If you are displaying the same behaviour as the OP then you are being abusive.

Demanding physical affection is abusive.
Being emotionally coercive is abuse.
Trying to isolate your partner from their friends and relatives is abusive.
Constantly checking on their whereabouts is abusive.
Your behaviour resulting in them walking around on eggshells for fear of upsetting you is abusive.
Not accepting their physical, emotional or psychological boundaries is abusive.

Your partner was not put on this earth to fix you, neither was the OP’s partner. That’s your (and her) responsibility.

This is difficult to assess without knowing how much time you actually spend together.

You mentioned he plays lots of sport & presumably spends lots of time with friends & over & above this is his work. You participate in sport, book club & yoga. Where do you make time to do things together as a couple. It sounds like you both live together & have separate lives. Watching him participate in his sport is hardly spending time together as a couple. I feel your anxiety & constant need for reassurance is due to living like ships in the night. This way of life can be suitable if it's acceptable to both in the partnership & they feel free to more or less just live together. It sounds as if this type of arrangement is not for you although your partner who obviously loves you is happy with the situation.

Participating in sport is an excellent way to keep fit & healthy and friends are important but not to the point of it being all consuming & detrimental to your relationship. There needs to be a compromise for this relationship to survive.