AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

[Parker135]

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

It does seem that none of his efforts are enough.

Not sure what the answer is.

Well you need to ignore the results of the poll, because the question in the title and the question in your post are exact opposites.

Yes, you do sound like you are behaving in a way that will damage your relationship. Why not pursue your own hobbies while he is doing his?

Ultimately, if you want a joined-at-the-hip relationship you’ll need to find someone who wants the same.

Consider therapy, seriously.

Yes OP this is controlling and honestly I’d say you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are capable of being a healthy partner to anybody else.

You're being suffocating and controlling how he should feel yes.

This sounds like you need counselling of some sort to work through why you are so insecure in what you appear to accept has been a secure relationship.

Of course he won't speak to you in the middle of a sports match - he's there to do something else, not pander to you feeling somehow neglected.

Dependency on him to validate you verbally, physically and emotionally at all times isn't normal or ok.

It's hard to realise you're the problem so well done on looking at it. Have a short wallow this morning then start to plan how you'll change things.

I'd suggest you stop going to all of his sports stuff - use that time to do something for yourself whether that's sports of your own, a class, a trip to the library and a coffee shop or anything that's only for you.

That is incredibly controlling and abusive, how do you function when you are both at work?

Yes, this is a you problem. But you can see it for yourself and I think the logical part of your brain can see something isn't usual with the degree of reassurance that you need. So that's good! It would be worse if you couldn't see it or own it as a problem

How do you fix it? Therapy to understand why you need so much reassurance and why you can't hold onto a "I love you" for more than 10 minutes. If you can't afford therapy, try Chatgpt.

Also find more in your life that shows you you are worthy, loved, needed, and a good person. Work on your self esteem. Make more/deeper friendships. Help people - do a favour for a friend or family, or volunteer.

OP, you know that he loves you and thinks you are kind, let him see more of this. You really don't need to watch of his sport, do something yourself even if its just a walk in around town/gardening/baking/hobby.
You'll have more to chat about later and he'll see the one he loves shine, otherwise you may make both of you needlessly unhappy & for what?
A healthy loving relationship doesn't mean spending all of your free time together!

You will lose him.
this sounds like RSD.
PLEASE get therapy
Learn to reassure yourself rather than making him do it all the time.

You sound exhausting.

I'd stop going to the sports events for a start.

You're not supporting him. You're trying to spend time with him and it's not the same thing. It isn't supportive to behave as you do. And not going would give you peace from the feelings you have around it. If you genuinely want him to enjoy doing the things he loves.

My partner plays in a band with a fairly decent sized local following and fans. Sometimes, I go to his gigs and sometimes I don't. But, when I'm there, I hardly see him so I only really go if I know friends of mine are going too. In between setting up, sound checks, catching up with people he sees once in a blue moon, 'mingling' afterwards and the actual gig, I don't really see him. But that's just how it goes. It's not a date.

It was the same when I played in a band and he came to see me. I had a previous boyfriend who liked the idea of me being in a band and wanted to come along to 'support' but he ended up just complaining that he didn't see me all evening. Of course, he didn't. He was on a night out and I was working. I did break up with him because of it.

Asking him for a hug, kiss and to tell you he loves you when he's running late for work and has already done that 10 mins ago, is ridiculous.

You are looking for a co-dependent relationship and you are not going to find it with him (and shouldn't - it's unhealthy!)

It sounds like he has actually done quite a lot to reassure you but it hasn't worked. It's not reassurance if you need it constantly because you never feel reassured. It isn't working. And it is control. You want to know that whatever he is doing, you are still at the forefront of his mind and that just isn't realistic.

You either need to find ways of managing this yourself or seek therapy. Ultimately, you are responsible for managing your own feelings. As soon as you start to expect someone to modify their behaviours to manage yours, yes, it's controlling and, yes, that is emotionally abusive

You sound clingy and controlling. You can't make someone hug you and tell you that they love you. If it's not freely given it's not worth having.
Develop your own pastimes and let him enjoy his sport in peace with his friends.

Yes, you are in the wrong here.
It’s very suffocating to be on the other end of this type of dynamic. He absolutely will worry about what he can and can’t do in case it triggers your insecurities and that is no way to live.
Your insecurities are your problem. You need to find a healthier way of dealing with them.

I say this as someone who used to be like you, and is no longer this way. I worked on my self esteem. I stopped needing validation from others. The irony is, people are more drawn to secure people and you’ll end up with all the validation you could ever want when you don’t even need it anymore.

First step is to give the guy a break. Stop verbalising every single insecurity you have to him. You absolutely will push him away, if you haven’t already.

He is busy with work , friends and sport. What are you busy with ? You don’t mention anything outside of your relationship with him. Do you have anything else in your life besides him because it sounds like all your focus is on him. This isn’t healthy and most people would feel suffocated. Do you work ? Where are your friends and hobbies ? It sounds like you have unmet emotional needs which you are looking to him to fill. You need to do some work on yourself and find out what is driving this neediness and insecurity. Does it stem from your upbringing or something else. Nobody can be everything to one person you need to give him space sometimes and build up your own life so you are capable of a healthy relationship and it’s not the only thing in your life that validates you. Self worth also needs to come from other things such as your work , hobbies, relationships with friends / family, your own self development, etc. You are being controlling but you need to work on what is driving this.

You seem to have insight that this isn't healthy so can you think about why you have these feelings of insecurity.

The problem with not addressing it is that he will eventually get tried of it and if he breaks up with you, that will just reinforce how you feel now and it will only get worse in any future relationship.

I couldn’t be with someone like you I’d find it very suffocating.
I think look at therapy.
It doesn’t sound like you are compatible longterm.
The saying goodbye thing before work sounds horrendous. He’s said he loves you and given you a hug. He’s off to work and in a rush yet you are asking him to say it again/more hugs, then you call him when he’s left the house.

Struggling if he doesn’t speak to you for a few hours at a sporting event is a you thing.

the way you describe it anxiety seems to be a big issue. Are you anxious generally?

How often is he out with friends and sport? How much time do you actually spend together?

I do think you are pushing him away on the example you've given. He hugged you in the morning and told you he loved you. You demanded the same again 10 minutes later, and then you called him. If I was him I'd be asking myself why you didn't believe me the first time, and why you didn't care that I was running late. The effort of all this reassurance must be huge and its so frustrating to repeat yourself over and over because someone only believes you for 5 minutes.

I think you need to work on yourself, maybe through therapy and also build up your own hobbies and social life

You sound anxious OP. It's possible you have generalised, free-floating anxiety that is getting pinned to stuff about the relationship when actually the relationship is not the cause at all.
This can be treated with therapy and meds. Go to doctor, don't be too hard on yourself, and don't let the pile-on you're shaping up to get here get you down too much. I already see a lot of people on here talking like you have deep-rooted personality problems which you may or may not. You may not be controlling, have no life, blah blag blah even a little once you have got your anxiety under control.

I certainly wouldn’t ever tolerate this sort of needy, controlling behaviour from my partner. You demanding attention while he's actually playing sport is really quite concerning.

You don’t mention your own hobbies & interests, OP. Why aren’t you off doing your own thing while he is playing his sports? You describe him as having a normal, well balanced life which includes work, hobbies, friends & his relationship with you. Yet you don’t mention having those things yourself. Maybe If you work on becoming more independent yourself you can have a better balance in your relationship with him. Good luck.

I have some hobbies. I play some sport a few times a week, I go to a book club and yoga. But I guess I don’t have a lot of friends local to me so this only takes up an hour or two at a time.

Reading the comments I think the real issue is that we don’t see each other a lot during the week so maybe I’m seeing his day of sport on a weekend as spending time with him, and that’s why I get upset

Dear OP,
Firstly - massive hug 🫂 - because this must be really quite scary to notice and then to admit.
It does sound, from this post, that you have a lot of anxiety that you need to address around being abandoned or considered 'not enough'.
I had to work through some of those issues in my 20s and you don't mention your age, but sometimes these things can be attached to growing pains.

Try to understand that when you go to watch him play his sport, you really are there just to watch him, and in that space you are not the most current thing on his mind. You are important, yes, but you are not his immediate focus there. Try building up a tolerance for that feeling and sit with it. Make an effort not to pick at him afterwards to get validation. If you can feel the urge rising, try offering him something positive: "I thought you played really well today. I felt so proud watching you." - something positive and light to diffuse your inward focus and negative spiral.

Also, practice tolerance for him rushing out of the door without a kiss, hug, affirmation. You need to be able to cope without those things falling in the exact pattern you want them too. If he has already shown you affection, and you can see he is rushing, just call out "have a lovely day" and distract yourself with a small task so that you're not hovering and waiting for him to perform the way you think you need him to. You'll be okay. He'll feel more relaxed. The household will be calmer.

Therapy is very expensive and not an option for a lot of people, but if you can stretch to it, then it might help you. Your GP might be able to point you in the direction of support services too. But there are also so many things you can do to heal and feel better.

Do you have hobbies? Close friends? Your post doesn't say, but lean into things outside of your partner that bring you joy and make you feel in control and safe. If you don't currently have anything like that, try a few small things out: baking is a great one because you can share what you make and get that positive connection your brain is constantly seeking in a less intense way.

It sounds like you both really love each other and I wish you all the luck in the world.

I had a clingy toddler who was less clingy than you. I'd get some therapy asap. Pick up some hobbies so you're not so focused on him.

But stop making him breakfast and lunch, he's a grown man, he can make a sandwich.

You should seek some therapy. Sadly it might be easier to address these issues while single.

Sounds like you are anxiously attached to him. I’m assuming you’ve experienced some abandonment or rejection that’s hurt you. I suggest an honest conversation and some therapy!

I couldn't date you OP. Far too much.
Please get a little help on yourself. If you like him as much as you seem to, you're going to be driving him away soon.