AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

[Parker135]

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

This would be too much for me.

You're adults. You shouldn't be putting him in a position to either be more late for work or reassure you that he loves you with a demand for a kiss when he's already told you he loves you and he's just going to work not war or the other side of the world.

I think you're probably coming from a place of deep anxiety but the amount of reassurance you're requesting of him when there's no reason for you to be insecure about the relationship feels unreasonable.

My husband played a team sport through our 20s and 30s, my teen sons do now. I go to watch to support them but they're there as part of a team and it's important that they're able to engage with everyone who's there without me sucking their full attention. We all live together, we see plenty of each other! I've got my own friends at the sports clubs to chat to. But I also didn't and don't plan my life around that - I do my own thing on weekends and evenings.

When they're playing their sports, that's what they're concentrating on you're right. It doesn't mean they don't love me. Same when I sing with my choir - I'm concentrating on the performance, on my singing and the staging but I love that they come to support me. Those two things can be true at the same time. My focus needs to be on the musical director during the concert and afterwards my responsibility is still to the choir.

It's a balance. I've seen your reply about having some hobbies but it not taking as much of your time.

It sounds like you need a lot of validation and while that might be sweet in small doses, it can be exhausting for the other person. I've got friends who I know will be fine at parties and events and dinners with a mix of other people and others who will want my sole and concentrated attention and honestly, it's the first type of person that I'd rather take along so we can both have fun with all the people there rather than me feeling responsible for an adult friend's night and having to give them my undivided attention.

What are your non-romantic friendships like? Or family relationships? Is this behaviour something you do with those too? Or is it just with your partner?

The argument/disagreement you had about who does what around the house is pretty normal but there are other things in your post which suggest why your partner feels criticised and controlled.

It's okay to feel whatever way you do, it's quite another to try to dictate his behaviour by getting upset when it's not what you'd prefer.
Getting upset with him for not giving you a second goodbye is very controlling. Everytime you express upset because he hasn't acted in a way that makes you feel happy and loved, you are telling him that he needs to act differently.
If it's not something that he wanted to do, why would you force him into it? I'd hate if my Dh was coming back to give me a second goodbye kiss just because he was scared not to.
Getting upset is a form of control and you do it to keep reassuring yourself that he cares enough but no matter how much one loves a person, they can't put up with this kind of thing forever. People even ignore toddlers tears after a while.

It's a shocking lack of self awareness that your opening post asks whether you are being controlling or damaging the relationship. Of course you are!! It sounds like your partner already tries to reassure you and it isn't enough. I would dump someone who demanded specific actions and words from me as I'm going out the door. Fuck that.

HRTFT, but if you were male everyone would say run. You need help.

Unkind reply - could have been more constructive couldn't you. OP is trying to change which is the first step.

It’s nothing about being cool.
Fine to decide if a relationship not for you because he’s got little free time to devote to you.
Not fine to be literally clinging onto him and making him late for work or turning up at his hobbies and acting like it’s a date when he’s wanting to play sports or spent time with his friends. It’s suffocating.
If you want a boyfriend who is at home every evening and all weekend he’s not the one for you. What you can’t do is try and emotionally bully him into being what you want.

You don’t need to go and watch play sport all the time do you? Haven’t you got your own stuff to do?

OP, obviously this is your thoughts sprinkled with what he has said to you (so not necessarily an accurate picture), but it reads like you are feeling very insecure. About his feelings for you (by needing them repeated 10 mins apart), very regular contact when you know where he is and what he's doing. Have you been cheated on in the past? Or abused in a previous relationship/as a child?

You seem to be noticing that your behaviour isn't healthy, I would try and get some therapy/counselling to work through your feelings.

Also, just remember, even if he does a lot of good stuff, that doesn't mean it all is or that your ways of thinking or working are fully invalid. If you like to plan and he likes to wing it, could you try to sit down on a Sunday and plan for the week? There can still be things he can tweak to help you, but if he does make changes to help, please don't later complain to him again! See if there are any other compromises that can help you without coming across as too controlling/needy to him.

I hope you start to feel more confident and self assured soon

Okay, yes, you are clingy and insecure and that is not helping the situation.

I do wonder though if this is the right relationship for you? It's obvious that he's very busy and happy to go for quality over quantity time and you feel like you don't spend enough time with him becuase he's always at sports or hobbies or work or whatever. And while for me that's fine and actually preferably, for a lot of people ,that's not enough. They want a more integrated life. One where hobbies and external activities are done more together. And it sounds like that is you.

So the fact is that there's a basic mismatch here and in your case, it's coming out in you behaving in a clingy and controlling manner.

I'd also say that if he's always this busy and as a result you're doing all the mental load, this is also a longer term issue potentially> What happens when you have children?

I'm sorry OP, I don't know that this relationship is the one that will last for you.

He won’t change so if you feel he doesn’t prioritise you, you need to get rid.
No point being clingy, it’ll just get on his nerves.
Maybe you’re just not suited?

Control is abusive bit it doesn't have to be intentional. It quite often isn't.

It's how it is experienced by the other person that counts.

It doesn't mean someone is an abuser or generally abusive but certain aspects of behaviour can be.

This is very true.

It's disturbing how many people still can't recognise abuse.

I guess if he’s happy with the amount of time that you spend together then you have to decide if that is enough for you to continue in the relationship with.

perhaps part of the problem is you going to all his sport events? it's nice to support him sometimes but going every week to an event where you're just going to watch him and not get any interaction is a bit much. maybe keep it to once a month, do other things/hobbies/see friends on the other saturdays, and ask your partner if you can arrange a proper date on sundays?

Kindly, you need counselling.

You are smothering him.
I’d have run from you tbh.
This is about you and you might benefit from therapy.

YES

I feel like if I could get the world to understand that controlling and abusive behaciour is only very very occassionally done by people who are 100% aware of their behaviours and/or are "evil" we could change the entire conversation about control and abuse.

Trying to convince a woman who sees wit hher own eyes that her partner is upset or that he does love her or whatever, that he's actually lying etc etc, is pointless. Because she knows he's not. Far bettter to help women understand that in many cases these men genuinely don't understand or see what tey're doing. they have their own issues and challenges and biases etc. this is not an excuse but it is a reason.

And OP is slipping into the same mindset. Her behaviour is not okay. That doesn't mean she's an intrinsically bad person. It means she has her own issues that SHE must take responsibiltiy fo rin order ot change her behaviour and her decision-making.

I think the lack of quality time spent together is likely to be the issue.

The OP doesn't need to attend all his sports matches but she feels she doesn't see him enough otherwise. Given she hasn't actually said how much time they spend together, no one knows whether her expectations are realistic or not. Whether they're considered reasonable or not will be very subjective.

I know that some people find themselves in relationships where they end up feeling like spending time with them is what their partner does when they've done/in between doing all the things they want to do. But I also know someone who gave up all of his hobbies when he started dating someone so that he could spend as much time with her as possible and would always be free when she was and he was confused that she didn't do the same.

Yikes - sort this out soon or you’ll lose him.

Yes, sorry you need to grow up. I’d have already broken up with you. The getting upset when her already said goodbye is something a four year old does.

Of ffs I was on the receiving end of this in a relationship. I felt suffocated. Always had to run back for an extra kiss, be expected to call on my lunch break despite texting all day any way, half time at a theatre show he would be asking for a call, out with friends he would be texting saying he missed me and loves me so much, ok the sofa he had to be constantly touching me and if I didn’t allow it then i wasn’t being affectionate enough. He drove me away. Such a relief when I left. Please OP get some professional help. By all means be affectionate but going over the top about having more affection when he’s late for work is so controlling

Now I look like a sycophant but YES again.

I do think my ex BIL is a completel tosser and a covert narcissist. I ALSO think that at the end of the day, he and SIL were also just completely mismatched. And it was obvious to the rest of us from day 1, long before the emotionally controlling and manipulative behaviour started - right from the start, he complained, endlessly, that she didn't spend enough time with him. He resented her goign to the gym. He resented her taking time out to study. He was only happy when they were together and DOING things together, ALL the time. But even when they were together, they didn't like the same things - he likes big heavy meals that take 2 hours to cook (together) and an hour to eat, and she woudl happily live on ready made salads eaten while standing up before going somewhere else. He likes to sit at home and watch tv, she likes to be out and about all the time.

And this mismatch is what then led to the conrol, and manipulations and all the rest of it when really, they should have just called time after 6 months when they realised they prioritise different things. Instead, he thought that her priorities were WRONG and she felt bad that her priorities were DIFFERENT.

Gosh you sound exactly like my son’s girlfriend. She has ruined some important family events recently with her extreme neediness & it’s suffocating him. He’s the most easy going laid back guy you could ever meet, and he loves her to bits - but he’s feeling helpless lately & calls my hubby & I in tears sometimes when she’s ghosting him for some small misdemeanour for 3 days. He’s now planning a future without her I think.
If you dont want to lose your partner, get some counselling asap & start changing your behaviour.

You are being very controlling OP, and if I was your boyfriend’s friend/confidant I would tell him this is starting to sound like an abusive relationship. You cannot demand affection like this. You are watching his every move and scolding him constantly. He is walking on eggshells around you and nothing he does is good enough. That is abusive behaviour. You have made him your entire life which is unhealthy, and he is trying to continue to have some independence which you are blocking. That also sounds abusive as it seems like you are trying to isolate him from his friends and family.

On the face of it it sounds as though you are being too needy
But to me the post reads as though it is a reverse so I'm not sure what to think