Page 2 | AIBU to worry my need for reassurance is becoming controlling?

DameOfThrones · Yesterday 10:04

This relationship won't last OP.

I felt claustrophobic just reading about it. Have you always been like this?

It's definitely something that you have to work on/get help for.

needastrongone · Yesterday 10:06

Kizmet1 · Yesterday 09:53

Dear OP,
Firstly - massive hug 🫂 - because this must be really quite scary to notice and then to admit.
It does sound, from this post, that you have a lot of anxiety that you need to address around being abandoned or considered 'not enough'.
I had to work through some of those issues in my 20s and you don't mention your age, but sometimes these things can be attached to growing pains.

Try to understand that when you go to watch him play his sport, you really are there just to watch him, and in that space you are not the most current thing on his mind. You are important, yes, but you are not his immediate focus there. Try building up a tolerance for that feeling and sit with it. Make an effort not to pick at him afterwards to get validation. If you can feel the urge rising, try offering him something positive: "I thought you played really well today. I felt so proud watching you." - something positive and light to diffuse your inward focus and negative spiral.

Also, practice tolerance for him rushing out of the door without a kiss, hug, affirmation. You need to be able to cope without those things falling in the exact pattern you want them too. If he has already shown you affection, and you can see he is rushing, just call out "have a lovely day" and distract yourself with a small task so that you're not hovering and waiting for him to perform the way you think you need him to. You'll be okay. He'll feel more relaxed. The household will be calmer.

Therapy is very expensive and not an option for a lot of people, but if you can stretch to it, then it might help you. Your GP might be able to point you in the direction of support services too. But there are also so many things you can do to heal and feel better.

Do you have hobbies? Close friends? Your post doesn't say, but lean into things outside of your partner that bring you joy and make you feel in control and safe. If you don't currently have anything like that, try a few small things out: baking is a great one because you can share what you make and get that positive connection your brain is constantly seeking in a less intense way.

It sounds like you both really love each other and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Lovely, thoughtful post. Totally spot on.

OP - recognising the issue is a brave and big step. Your partner sounds lovely, but frustrated and perhaps a little exhausted. If you can do that work on yourself that you have begun to understand that you need, or perhaps even explain to him you recognise you have an issue, that’s a big step forward. Good luck ❤️

Original poster

Parker135 · Yesterday 10:06

we barely see each other in the week due to work and then commitments in the evening so yes, sometimes that’s the only time I spend with him in a week

i guess maybe that’s why I’m seeing it like a ‘date’ and get upset because it’s some of the only time we spend together

OP posts:

Original poster

Parker135 · Yesterday 10:16

I know I’m a massive problem here but maybe that’s the reason why

OP posts:

Summerhillsquare · Yesterday 10:17

Honestly OP this thread won't help you, you'll only get a kicking.

Too many cool girls here. I always felt like this with exH working shifts and football on Saturdays. He always put work, his interests, his family and our pets before me 🤷

Minasama · Yesterday 10:19

Parker135 · Yesterday 09:03

I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. He has always been incredibly affectionate and always told me I was the most kind-hearted person he’d ever met. I’ve always felt very loved by him.
Recently we’ve been having more arguments and I’m worried my insecurities are damaging the relationship.

One example is sport. He plays a lot of different sports, so he needs to concentrate during games. I like to go to support him, but I struggle if he doesn’t speak to me for a few hours. I feel like I’m only there to watch him, so I start feeling like I’m not important or that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
Sometimes I make comments that he’s not very touchy feely that day or talking to me much, but only because I’m worried.
I know he loves me, and he does acknowledge me but I still find myself needing reassurance.

This morning we argued because I said I feel like I’m always making all the lunches and breakfasts. He’s been quite busy recently. I wasn’t trying to attack him. He apologised and said he does other things around the house, but I carried on because I was frustrated.
He then said he feels constantly criticised and controlled.

He is busy a lot with work, friends and sport - I genuinely do not want to stop him doing those things and I have never told him he can’t go. However, if I say I want him to make effort with me (which he does but I don’t always see it) it makes him feel like he shouldn’t go and like he has to feel guilty for having his own life.

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.

After he left, I called him and he was really angry. He said I’m controlling him, he feels like he can’t just exist without worrying about upsetting me, and when I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said “I don’t know.”
That really scared me.

I don’t want to control him. I want him to have his own life and enjoy his hobbies. But I’m starting to realise I may be the problem.. I know he loves me, but I still get scared I’m not a priority.

I think I’m trying to control situations, not him.
Am I being controlling without realising it? How do I work on this?

It sounds like you just need to check yourself a little and realise that one hug is enough when he’s on his way out the door.
He is telling you that this is bothering him, and it does sound a little needy tbh but we all need reassurance.
When you need him to do something, ask. “Please could you make the lunches for the rest of the week” doesn’t sound critical so is less likely to irritate than “You haven’t made lunches at all recently and I’ve been having to do it all…”
which will provoke a response because it sounds like you’re criticising him.

If he doesn’t speak to you for a few hours, that’s ok. Look on it as a nice break for you where you get to pursue your own hobby. My husband does lots of sports, I read in peace at home. Certainly don’t go and watch, how boring and he wouldn’t like it, he’d feel controlled.

Being able to be independent of each other makes a relationship stronger.

UniquePinkSwan · Yesterday 10:23

You sound suffocating and I’d run a mile if I were your partner. I feel sorry for him

Bababear987 · Yesterday 10:24

You say you have hobbies but they only take up a few hours. But cant you enjoy just chilling, watching tv by yourself, reading a book, go for a walk....
I remember reading something and it was essentially "you cant be in a good relationship if you cant be a good single person first"
You sound incredibly co dependent and it will push him away. Tbh I even find it really weird you go and watch his sports games unless youre also very into it or youre meeting other wives/gfs there. How is that interesting for you? Its great you've realised you have a problem but this is not healthy in any way.

innominate · Yesterday 10:24

Yes, you need to realise your behaviour is weird, and seriously needs addressing, if you’re unable to go 2 hours without him speaking to you because he’s playing sport.

ThejoyofNC · Yesterday 10:28

This goes further than just being controlling. It's emotional abuse. He needs to leave you to be honest OP. Maybe if you work on yourself you could get back together in the future.

TheGoddessFrigg · Yesterday 10:29

Summerhillsquare · Yesterday 10:17

Honestly OP this thread won't help you, you'll only get a kicking.

Too many cool girls here. I always felt like this with exH working shifts and football on Saturdays. He always put work, his interests, his family and our pets before me 🤷

Okay so what's the Uncool response? Break up, tell him to stop his hobbies and evening commitments? Sit in every weekend staring at each other?

Original poster

Parker135 · Yesterday 10:29

What part is abuse?

OP posts:

minimuffs2651 · Yesterday 10:29

Hi OP, I think you main problem is low self-esteem. Posting on here to get reassurance will only get you a kicking and will not help you at all!

I don't necessarily think you need therapy (it's only for rich kids in my view or a scam, find some friends to talk to). You need to live life on your own two feet. Pretend he's not even there (he's not, he's busy). Once you're able to do this, he'll notice you more and appreciate you for being strong on your own. You'll both then be able to connect better. Make friends without him. Get your own hobbies/sports/interests. You cannot expect one person to meet all your needs.

minimuffs2651 · Yesterday 10:30

Also, he can make his own breakfast and lunch if he's not going to be grateful about it. Don't be a door mat. Or a wet blanket. Neither are good.

Original poster

Parker135 · Yesterday 10:31

He’s so busy he doesn’t think ahead, so I end up planning the dinners. He will deal with it last minute but I prefer to plan ahead. He does sort the washing out etc but still

OP posts:

nowaynohowz · Yesterday 10:33

Hi @Parker135I don’t have any advice but I’m the exact same way with my partner so I know how you feel sadly. I’m thinking about seeking therapy for it but don’t even know where to start with that!

Topjoe19 · Yesterday 10:34

This is not the right relationship for you.

It sounds like you need a partner that is around more & wants to spend time with you.

It's not normal to need so much reassurance from your partner. But I think you are in the wrong relationship and that's why you feel like this.

Summerhillsquare · Yesterday 10:35

TheGoddessFrigg · Yesterday 10:29

Okay so what's the Uncool response? Break up, tell him to stop his hobbies and evening commitments? Sit in every weekend staring at each other?

Show quote history

Step back and cool off. Build up your own life. Consider thoughtfully if a partner who is not necessarily all in is right for you.

gotmyselfintoapickle · Yesterday 10:35

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous.

This would drive me insane.

PotolKimchi · Yesterday 10:35

The sports thing and asking for a kiss again is all problematic and I think you know that.
Maybe it might be worth exploring why you are so keen to have this public declaration of love and affection? What is the root of your insecurity? Is it your upbringing? Previous relationships? Only then can you perhaps (even outside of therapy) get to the root of why you are behaving like this.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 10:35

Parker135 · Yesterday 10:29

What part is abuse?

I'd say this bit definitely is

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous. He didn’t say it and he slammed the door.
After he left, I called him and he was really angry.

You absolutely laid into him because he didn't tell you he loved you and give you a kiss, 10 minutes after he had just done so.

It's an incredibly controlling action, and I'd call it abusive.

4keyhouse · Yesterday 10:35

OP, so he's not about at all during the week and the weekend is also busy with sports?

EXACTLY how much time are you spending together?

Are you sure living with you isn't just a convenience for him?

Are you housemaid and cook, keeping a lovely home for him?

Big mistake if you are.
How old are you and how long are you together and living together?

Did you move to his area?

You need to sort out your insecurity, perhaps look at some therapy, but you also need to be honest about the relationship.

Are you a convenience to his life.
If you spend very little time together, then you are.

Don't be used to share costs and a free cleaner and cook.

Oh and men like this invariably make awful husbands and fathers.

Their priority is sport, being out of the house, and they do not change when they have children.
They are never around and leave childcare to their partner.

Wishimaywishimight · Yesterday 10:36

He must really really love you to put up with this but you are going to drive him away. I could not bear to live like this, it sounds utterly suffocating for him.

gotmyselfintoapickle · Yesterday 10:37

Summerhillsquare · Yesterday 10:17

Honestly OP this thread won't help you, you'll only get a kicking.

Too many cool girls here. I always felt like this with exH working shifts and football on Saturdays. He always put work, his interests, his family and our pets before me 🤷

Ah yes... "people disagree with me. It can't possibly be that I am unreasonable, they must be cool girls" 🙄

If you think the below behaviour is normal then I'm not sure if that makes you cool or uncool but I personally couldn't live with it -

10 minutes before he left for work he hugged me and said he loved me, but when he was leaving he didn’t because he was running late.
I got upset and asked for a hug, kiss and for him to say it again. He got frustrated because he was already late and said he’d already told me. He literally came back to the door and said this was becoming ridiculous.

GreyCarpet · Yesterday 10:38

Summerhillsquare · Yesterday 10:17

Honestly OP this thread won't help you, you'll only get a kicking.

Too many cool girls here. I always felt like this with exH working shifts and football on Saturdays. He always put work, his interests, his family and our pets before me 🤷

It's not about 'cool girls' 🙄

Most people have friends and hobbies that they pursue whilst in a relationship. That is normal.

What the OP needs support to work through is whether it is because her expectations are unreasltic and it is a 'her' issue and she'd he the same with anyone or whether she and her boyfriend are just incompatible and her relationship needs aren't being met with him and never will be.

Different people are comfortable with different things.