To have made remarks about my friend’s dress

[ladieswholunch23]

Hi all. So, one of my friends is going to a wedding and she’s bought a dress which is…peculiar to say the least. So our group chat (roughly around 8 of us) we - obviously as to not hurt her feelings - we said we liked it as it had already been purchased.

However on our other group chat that she’s not on, we all gave our true thoughts that the dress is hideous and, at the very least, is not suitable for a wedding. Somehow my friend found out about this other group chat and the things we had been saying. Whilst obviously it wasn’t the intention to hurt her, she’s now saying we betrayed her and it has now caused a rift in the friend group. I love to death but she can be a real pain sometimes. AIBU?

Whether or not the dress is suitable isn’t the issue here, your handling of it is. And it was nasty.

Please say when you use AI to write a reply.

She is right, terrible behaviour from a group of adults.

The OP is not coming back. She has been told what she is , very nasty, immature and bitchy.
I hope the lady she is bitching about finds new friends.
Do come back and tell us if going forward you are going to apologise to your friend.

So? I think it's an awful dress simply because it's not to my taste, but if a friend of mine chose it to wear to a wedding then I would think that they are old enough to know what they like and let them get on with it. If someone buys a dress then it is because THEY like it, and it has nothing to do with anyone else.

You were mean to discuss it behind her back, and I can't see what is so "inappropriate" about it anyway.

I'm going to guess this woman is one of the more attractive in the group, perhaps with quirky dress sense, and can carry that off better than the rest of them. Jelously is terrible thing.

I can't see anything inappropriate, for a wedding or for a woman in her late 40s.

You and your friends sound like bitches. I hope this girl finds new decent friends.

Exactly. You don't have to say 'ugh, that's awful/really not appropriate/what are you thinking?'. There were any number of other options to put your thoughts and opinions across tactfully. But not one of you chose to do that. You just slagged her off privately and then had the gall to think that SHE was unreasonable to be upset.

What an awful bunch of 'friends' you are

Awful nasty bullying behaviour by you and your friends. I can now imagine you all standing around at the wedding bitching and laughing about her in her dress.

As for the dress I don't see a problem with it or a 40 year old
woman wearing it. I know a woman in her mid 60's who would wear something like that. She has a rock chick/Debbie Harry vibe going on and a fantastic figure. She would rock that dress.

I hope your friend finds nicer people to hang out with.

She has a nest of vipers IRL too.

I hope you are going to take this feedback back to the group who have been so awful and reflect on your behaviour.

Your ‘friend’ has her own taste and style and is free to make her choices. You could have shared you opinion quietly, in private but if she wants to wear it, that’s her choice.

You should not have been mocking her behind her back. That’s awful.

I don’t think OP will be back to answer any of these questions.

Whether or not the dress is what we on MN would like is irrelevant … you’ve started a thread on here to slag of your friend’s taste and ridicule her here because she got upset you did one on WhatApp? Do you not see how vile you and your friends have been - and you continue to be here?

You should have told her that you didn’t think the dress was appropriate directly and when she ignored your advice/feedback left her to it. She needs better friends.

Well, I wouldn’t wear it - too young teen for me. But, it’s not revealing or anything.

Hope she doesn’t read MN.

Mumsnet is strange.

Everyone on here is telling you that you handled it horribly and should have said something to her face. Yet if you started a thread saying you'd commented on your friend's dress, they'd all tell you it was none of your business and that she can wear whatever she wants.

You can't win.

Maybe it's an English thing, but where I'm from there's no harm in commenting on someone's outfit. I probably would have said something like, "We're all dressing a bit more traditionally, so you might feel a little out of place in that dress." Or something along those lines.

Talking behind each other's backs isn't really something we do where I'm from. I'd much rather someone just said it to my face.

The voting results to date firmly say it all. It’s not as if it was around 50/50. You ask a direct question, you get a direct answer and you then complain that you are getting a hard time.

You have hurt her. How do you propose to put it right.

The dress she has chosen has no impact on anyone else. Maybe she doesn’t like some of the dresses belonging to the rest of the group.

So rather than tell her to her face you just slag her off behind her back? Making you two faced and a liar of a friend.

I hope she never wants to be friends with you lit again, bullies.

It's not something I'd wear, but it's also not remotely inappropriate for a wedding or for someone in their 40s. You might not like it - neither do I - but there's no need for you and your other mates to be cunty about it.

Why have a separate group chat between you all in the first place?? Is she the only one excluded from it? It's pretty sit behaviour in my opinion. Your poor "friend", i feel for her.

So you went on a group chat to slag her off then came on MN to slag her off some more to complete strangers? You read back what you've said about her personality (and taste). There's at least 5. You're no friend but if you think you are then you NEED to apologise to her AND mean it. Bet you won't though.

This!

The dress shows she has her own style. Not my style admittedly, but l was out with friends on Sunday, l wasn’t keen on the dress one friend had on, but what’s it to me?

@Brownwithnopezazz wow! What a terrible outfit for a fancy lunch out! I don’t understand the lack of awareness that that outfit wouldn’t be appropriate

Yes, very scruffy. However, I must admit there’s no secret group chat in which I talk about it! My friends do know she is a sandwich short of a picnic in her clothes choices, so I mentioned it to them and there was laughter, but it was of no account, not a bitchfest. Actually it was quite a clanger of an outfit and I wondered if at some point she would say .. ooh I think I’m underdressed.. everyone here is in nice dresses! …. But she didn’t, so I guess the tone deafness is deep with that one. And ultimately, as I say, it’s of no account.

you still have not answered, what's wrong with that dress?
No one is forcing you to wear it. it's not unsuitable for a WEDDING.

Are you jealous she can pull it off and you can't?

The third option is - don’t comment on what other people choose to wear and don’t slag them off behind their back. It’s not super hard.