After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

If it is exactly as you say then yes - I think she is being unreasonable. Your children are not that young, you have a very high income and family support so I think you should go ahead.

She is enjoying the status quo as is, and you want to rock the boat shall we say.
My cousin was in a situation like this, but she was your wife in this story. She is a university lecturer in a Southern university in England. Her husband moved with her, his job was easier to move along. Then quite a few years in he got a great opportunity in the U.S. He very reasonably said perhaps it was his turn now. She just turned round and said nah don´t think so mate. So they split, He went to the U.S. where he is very successful and she is still in England. They didn´t have kids, so no added complications. I think your wife should consider backing you for once. Resentment is a marriage killer and is insidious. Ask me how I know.

Your relationship sounds fairly one-sided as it’s all her way or the highway. I personally think you would be mad to give up this opportunity because I can’t see your marriage lasting forever. If you don’t take the job then you’re gonna be very resentful and if you do take the job, she’s gonna be very resentful. It’s a relationship killer. I do not think you should miss out though and you can make it work.

Go to Los Angeles. Why does she get to be selfish but you’re not allowed? You only live once, stop living in your wife’s shadow.

A year is very different to two weeks though, even if the two weeks is regular. I assume you can afford to pay for additional practical help though, so it's more the emotional side of you going?

I also assume you are planning to go alone and not uproot your children's lives. If so, in your shoes I'd consider:

• the effect of a year apart on even a fantastic marriage
• why on earth you would want to leave your children for a whole year of their lives

Your wife has travelled for what? 6 weeks a year for 17 years? You're nowhere near catching her up doing a job in LA for a year!

I've moved countries to support my husband's career and then moved again to support mine.

I do agree that a year is too long to be permanently apart, with kids that age.
And she can't exactly bring the kids over to LA for a year.

Any possibility in doing the year with breaks back home?

A year is a really long time to be away so I’m not surprised she’s unhappy about it. You being a continent away for an entire year is going to massively impact your kids, especially if they are used to you being the main carer. How old are they?

And I don’t quite buy that you’re earning 300k but also running the household, doing all the childcare etc. On that money, I just don’t believe you don’t have a cleaner, nanny, etc.

You saiid she travels a lot but you also travel a couple of times a year, so it’s not like it’s unusual for you to go away too.

And why can’t you take the kids with you alone when you visit your family?

If it’s really important to you then discuss it further with her, but I think you shouldn’t mix in the complaint about her not visiting your family because that seems to be an ongoing and unconnected resentment that needs to be addressed separately.

I would hate to live apart from my husband for a whole year, and would only countenance it if it was the only job he could find, and we'd be broke without it. If he suggested it and we didn't need the money, I'd assume that this was the beginning of the end and he wanted to leave me and our children.

So you're unreasonable for equating her not wanting you to leave for a year with her doing two weeks in Switzerland each summer.

But you should talk to her about all the rest of it as these resentments fester. Many say it's fair to expect equal support for each other's careers. Others say the higher earner's career should be prioritised. But it doesn't really matter about what everyone else thinks is fair, only what the two of you agree on. So talk to your wife!

This!
You can't live your entire life pleasing others. At some point your own happiness needs to come first.
Having children makes it harder, but it is not impossible. I speak from experience, I lived in a different country with the kids while my husband was in England for a while. It has its challenges, but if you put the effort in it is absolutely doable.

You should go. Opportunities like that don’t roll around very often, and it sounds like it’s your turn to get some unconditional support in your life and career. If the sexes were reversed not a single poster would suggest you’re unreasonable to want this.

Your children can visit you in school holidays and vice versa, and you can video call regularly.

It sounds like your relationship has fallen into a pattern where she’s the main breadwinner and all the compromise is on your side, and she may not appreciate how much you’ve had to sacrifice as a trailing partner.

The question is whether your relationship strong is enough that your wife would be prepared to acknowledge that and work through her resistance to you taking this job. Does she understand how important it is to you? Because a year is a long time, and it won’t be easy even if both of you are totally on board. If it becomes a unilateral decision, your marriage may to be unable to withstand the resentment and fallout - if you go she may not forgive you, and if you don’t, you may not forgive her.

Can you take the kids with you for the year and put them in private school? What a fantastic opportunity for them too.

You should go. Opportunities like that don’t roll around very often, and it sounds like it’s your turn to get some unconditional support in your life and career. If the sexes were reversed not a single poster would suggest you’re unreasonable to want this.

Not a single poster would say to a wealthy woman wanting to leave her children for a year for a job opportunity that she's unreasonable? I beg to differ! I've been castigated a little on here (and a lot in real life) for once leaving my children for 6 weeks for a work opportunity!

A year is a long time especially as a standard US contract doesn’t include much annual leave.

Have you looked at the logistics? Could she take some unpaid time off work so her and the DC could go to LA for their school holidays?

Would this improve your career prospects afterwards, would it give you huge job satisfaction.

I think it’s unreasonable to dismiss it out of hand but it is a huge ask. The compromise could be that she stops putting her career first before your family events. Time for her to realise there needs to be compromise.

If the kids were younger I would agree - you could take the kids - your wife could consider a sabatical etc but with the teens is tricky time for that kind of thing

why didn’t you take the kids to your sisters 50th?

If you go, would you be able to go home for a few weeks every 3 months?
It's a year, fantastic opportunity & the bonus would be a very nice pot of money to maybe set the kids up when older.
A proper discussion, arrangements with domestic help - nanny if needed or not already in place, especially for the travel aspects.

There's facetime and phone calls.
It will be hard.
She has her family on hand & a lot of support. Money is not an issue.
It can be done if everyone is heard & recognised and willing.

Have you told her all this?

I think a lot of posters would say that a mother was very unreasonable to leave her two teens and one under-10 for a year!

I do think OP is unreasonable, I’m afraid - a year literally half the world away is a very different proposition from regular 1-2 week trips elsewhere in the same continent. How would he feel if she decided to go and live in Japan for a year? How will his kids feel about it all, especially as it sounds like he’s the more stable presence (unless there’s going to be a massive drip feed about nannies, etc.)?

The question for me would be why would you want to do it? If you say you dont need the money, your youngest is 8, so why would you want to be away from your family for a whole year? What feels worth leaving for that long? Because its very different to 2 weeks.

As an aside, it must be a very rare job to earn that salary, even high up in the art world, salaries dont touch that so must be quite a rarity.

You’re Dutch, living in Spain, with a Spanish wife. And you posted on a British site, in English. Why? Surely there are relationship/parenting forums in Spanish/Dutch? Or Reddit. MN seems a very odd choice of site to present this to.

Is this some sort of creative writing research?

But isn't that unreasonable? I agree that one year and two weeks are very different, but one year doesn't mean it's permanent.

I don't want to change my kids' lifestyle for just one year. I don't think that's good for them.

Look, it's not even about our marriage. It won't affect it whether I go or not. We've been together since we were teenagers. We had plenty of distractions back then, yet we still chose each other. Now our relationship is stronger than ever.

My kids aren't that little anymore. This is a great opportunity for me, and the money could give them a better future. They can visit me during the holidays, and I'll visit them as often as I can.

I'm not clear if OP has talked about taking the dc with him, or if it's assumed they will stay at home. A one year experience in LA sounds pretty good. The details about visits back home etc could be the killer

Ah right have just read there's no plan to bring the dc - an 8 year old "isn't that little"? - which changes my opinion
The thread title shouldn't be about what his wife does or doesn't want, it's is it ok to move away for a year and leave 3 dependent dc behind.
Lots of people are happy with this kind of arrangement but I wouldn't be myself and nor would dh

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.
You are both EU nationals. You can live and work anywhere in the EU but you want an American job? It wasn't even a job you went after, it landed in your lap.
Is it really worth messing up your marriage and the DCs' lives for?

And I don't understand the "she's had her turn, now it's mine" logic. This is 17 years of life that you want to give up for ... what? A temporary assignment?

So you are happy that uprooting an 8 year old for a year is too much but going without seeing a parent for the best part of a year is all good? And all for money you dont need.

Not that I believe the story at all but if it were real, you would be completely unreasonable to put money before your kids when you say you dont even need it.