After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

I don't think it is a case of "gunning for the blokes."
Most people seem to be saying that it needs to be a joint decision made without rancher.

Rancour.

It’s not reciprocacy though is it? He wants to fuck off for a year.

As others have said soldiers do it but I also know someone who was in the army but left when he and his wife decided to have a family.

I know another family who moved to another country for a year. The kids were in primary. The wife wanted to come back and the husband wanted to stay. She said he could stay. He thought their marriage wouldn’t survive that so they came back.

Living apart isn’t for everyone and that’s ok.

Can she ask her company to allow her to work remotely for one year? If she’s senior enough they may allow it. It would be a nice experience for the DC to live in a different country for a year.

Op, I do think you are getting a bit of a hard time here from some quarters.

A year flies in, between one thing and another. Especially if both of you can negotiate a bit of extra leave or you have the flexibility of working from home over Christmas etc Especially if your wife has extended family who might be willing to have the kids when your wife is away. Or do they have cousins in the Netherlands they could go to for the odd school holiday? They could get an escort on the plane and what an adventure to see a bit more of your parents if your siblings would be happy to enable that for a short holiday. They can also holiday in LA. Get a live-in nanny or au pair in Spain that might help with whatever extra language they are learning and to bridge the gap when Mum away and no extended family around. I had this growing up, brought up by all sorts of great people & boarding from age 11 (8 is too young for boarding imo though). I loved it. I think it makes a massive difference to a kid if the idea is approached with excitement and a solid family in the wings. There are ways and means... I think they need to be explored together, even if you both ultimately decide it is best not yet, you will be better prepared for the next offer. I know you believe this will be the only chance, but you just never know. Something even better might come along at a better time. I'm a great believer that things will be as they are meant to be, there may well be something even better if you both decide not this, not right now.

But I think any couple owes it to each other to properly consider all options in such circumstances. I am saying this on the understanding it is 12 months and not going to morph into life in LA -mainly because I don't think LA would be the nicest place to live long term, even with buckets of cash (imo).

Namechanging has a point - how about boarding school? You can use your new salary and it might make your wife more agreeable to the idea if she sees it can benefit them in some way.

I’m just not sure of any of these plans for him going back every month or the kids staying. It’s a massive job with a huge success contingent bonus, so it’s obviously far from a given the op can pull it off. From what I see of these jobs there is no personal time. You’re available 24/7. There’s no regular leave much less extra leave. There’s no school holidays, if you can fit in a week off the timing is when it works for the project, not when school holidays are. If something blows up then you’re there, and if you have your 3 kids staying with you then you have to leave them and go, because this is the job. Coming over to visit and seeing a total stranger nanny instead of dad is not going to be an amazing experience, they won’t be going to Disney land, and dad will either cancel his monthly trip or spend it on the phone. The marriage will obviously suffer hugely if these are all broken promises.

Boarding?! ... these children are settled where they are. Dad goes off and they get shipped off ... no way is that going to have a good outcome! They are not parcels!!

8 too young, agreed.
Op did not raise this as possibility.

Another one who is Team LA here. You and your wife both earn huge amounts of money so there should be no difficulty with buying in childcare or indeed with affording regular trips back and forth. I would certainly say the same if you were female and you had trailed your husband. If your DCs were still tiny, i would advise differently but the youngest is 8.

That’s an awful lot of very specific and very outing information.

I'm totally on your side op. My DH was offered an amazing career opportunity where he would get to Travel to Japan, Australia and the Bahamas (places we hadn't yet been) and parts of Spain. It was an absolute no brainier for me, personally. My children were alot younger than yours at 3,5 and 9. I think opportunities like you have been offered, should be taken.

I must admit, I am actually really shocked at the answers.

I dont think its unreasonable at all to put your own career first for 1 year if you have let your wife put hers first for the last 18 years.

OP, has your wife completely said no to the idea of you going to the US for a year?

It's really not the same, though - leaving for a whole year to a different continent is very different from regular travel. I don't think most parents would even consider such a job opportunity, certainly not those who've been the primary caregiver. So I get that your DW would be surprised by the idea and her initial reaction is refusal. I do think she owes it to you to consider the idea and talk it through rather than flat out reject it. I also think there needs to be some benefit to the family to balance your absence for so long - you already have plenty of money - will it bring them any benefits?

I think that most of the answers are not shocking. Most are saying that it needs proper objective discussion and approaching without resentment as a starting point.

Agreed

I’d say that this could also be an amazing opportunity for your kids. So maybe they’d want to try school in the states for a year. I’ve had students that did this for a year and it changed their whole lives in an amazing way. So she could be the one at home and you’d travel to LA with the kids for a year. It might not be as black and white as people here might assume.

Talk to everyone not just your wife.

That would be absolutely fine if they were all under 10, but it would really mess up teen’s education.

I think OP desired/expected a long thread of women telling him his wife was being selfish in saying no, planning to then share the thread with her to show her how wrong she was...

OP, you're frustrating to discuss with because, despite your excellent English, you continually miss the point anyone is making if they haven't wholly affirmed you.

Being the primary caregiver would Spanish courts allow him to take dc to the US for the year and enrol dc in an international school.

Why would they need the court? What are you trying to suggest here, are you alright?

I think most of those responding here don't understand the lifestyle of those in the military, working off shore, working on cruise ships, parts of the entertainment industry, and many others. There are lots of careers that involve working away for longer periods of time, as your wife sometimes does now. It doesn't make it any less difficult to leave family at home, but it works for many people and you have been present for their lives so far. Your kids will be fine, they are resilient and it is so much easier now than it used to be to stay in contact with video calls etc.

However you need a supportive partner to make it work. And your wife isn't in that place yet. Completely get where you are coming from, it isn't fair for her to expect you to always be the constant at home and not give you one period for your career. But that doesn't mean she can or will accept it. Her normal has been to know she can work erratic hours, that will change for a significant period if you go.

It may have been better to reframe the question to her that you have a work opportunity you want to do in LA, would she like you and the family to go with you for the year, or stay at home and you'll visit monthly. Rather than if you go. As you seem determined you want to do it. However, assuming that time has passed, you likely need to sit down and speak to her about what logistically you need in place to support her while you are away. Along with the plan of when you will be back, and when you would like them to visit. You are both very high earners, so will likely need to pay for childcare/home support for this period.

Try not to risk appearing like you are throwing the full responsibility of the childcare at her for this period. Yes, you have done it so far, but it's a massive change that she obviously isn't prepared for. It may be reasonable for her to 'take her turn' but it isn't your family norm. Look at what support is needed, speak to your children for their perspectives, speak to family to see what they are prepared to/can offer, and outsource the rest.

You can do it, many others do and its just a one time thing. But for the future of your relationship try to get her on board as much as possible, rather than battle through

of course there are careers where people need to be away for long periods and they manage. But you are aware of this when you choose a spouse with this kind of career. My BIL needs to relocate every 3 years due to my sister's career - does not mean my DH should just shut up and accept it, no discussion, if I suddenly wanted to do the same.

It's unreasonable of her to dismiss it out of hand. I don't know if it's unreasonable of her to say no to.
I think your lives are very far from my circle and I imagine that the kind of earnings you both have mean one parent doing solo parenting at home for a few weeks while the other travels for work are very different to my experience of solo parenting for periods.
I wouldn't move to another country away from my DC for a year, even with prospect of monthly trips home. My DH wouldn't either.
I think you need to talk about it. If you don't go that doesn't mean you have to continue with the status quo either.

YANBU. I would sit down with your DW and tell her you would really like to take up this opportunity, so let's work together to sort out a plan so we can make it work. If that means @joshkenn flying back for a long weekend each month, or DW and the DC flying over for a week every 3 months, buying in help with housework and childcare etc., then that's what you do.

I would just try and get your DW to understand that this is important to you, but that you will do whatever it takes to make sure that you make it as easy on her and the DC as possible.

I have not gone to see the outcome of the voting. It is not going to change anyone’s mind. There are well argued opinions for both sides.

I suggest you move away from the board. Entrenched views are not going to change. Just know that there are people who agree with you. Adventures are worth seeking out. I hope your wife can be persuaded.

Good luck.