After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

He left you in another country for a year while he went to all of those?
Kudos to you, I don't know many mum's who would put up with that with sick children who can't fly like OP.

He doesn't seem to think they need to see him for a year. Mum clearly has her own job that involved him being available to help with the kids, so I am unsure how this would work for both of them if he is changing his side of the marriage that has been working to date. Maybe the eldest can board and the youngest is more manageable. If there has to be a new plan for the kids they are going to feel upended anyway. I wouldn't be happy to take a family into America given the raids on aliens Trump does. They may hear the accent and jump to conclusions. I wouldn't go there myself let alone take the kids.

Did he not mean his mother was unwell and can't fly? Rather than the children.

You are pretty unlikely to have stayed in your own country, you met in London, have had a good career, most of those people don’t end up movng back to the Netherlands ( I think) after the study to build their career there. There would have been sacrifices for moving back, it seems unlikely you’d have been raising children near your mum anyway , or not with those careers. It’s really quite common to move to the woman’s country before having babies if you move to someone’s country, you’d quite likely have had to find a Dutch woman to marry and have kids with (if it’s Dutch, don’t jump on me if I don’t remember the country right)

Look OP - youre never ever going to win on here, its mumsnet - and youre a bloke. Well done for trying though! 😂

Do i think your BU? Not really. Sounds like you want to do this for yourself and why not, if you put a solid plan in place - it can work - i moved to be with my husband and i see it as a sacrifice too. I have friends where one parent lives in another country due to work and they return every school holiday for two weeks, i have a close friend who has 3 kids and sees her husband 3-4 times a year only due to his postings - it works if you have a solid plan. You will have the money for them to come to you and vice versa - it can work - is whether or not both of you want it to work. I used to work away every month for a week at a time for the best part of 16 years, my husband did all the childcare (and still does the bulk as i work crazy hours now - no travel tho) - if he suddenly said he had a similar opportunity, i would encourage him to go.

Haven’t read the whole thread. I don’t think YABU at all.

There are ways to work around but she has to be willing to. you can afford to fly regularly to see each other and as you said, the kids can stay with you during some of their holidays. I’m sure with all her travel she’s accumulated a healthy amount of air miles and you’re not exactly poor.
how much her family can help with the 8yr old?
something to be mindful of- the 9 hour difference is tricky to manage for daily calls. I’m also on the west coast and funny enough have family in Madrid. I have to make time my morning/ their afternoon evening (which is tricky as I have to get ready for the day etc) or speak late my night/ early their morning which can be difficult for them if they have to get ready for school/ work.