After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

What do the dc think of the idea? I actually think it will impact just as much if not more on the teenagers.
Perhaps they would be excited to be able to visit you in LA. Or they just want their dad at home.

Putting careers and money you don't need above your kids isn't a brilliant look to be honest.

The only reason a person would take such an opportunity is that you already have a detached relationship with both DW and your children anyway.

Money gives you so much, but it doesn't buy functioning families. Despite your protests otherwise, I bet your kids know both their parents prioritise money and career before them.

I know you feel you 'deserve' to go to LA, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Concentrate on seeing your family more, and talk yo your wife about her prioritising her career way above her children.

If I was your wife a lot would depend on how you raised this.

If it was “I’d love to do this, but appreciate it will be hard in lots of ways, especially for you. Can we talk about whether we can make it work?” I’d sit down and consider it.

If it was “I’ve done XYZ to support you, so now you have to do this for me, I don’t see what the problem is” then that would get my back up.

If it's all about her, then what about me? I know it might sound like I'm keeping score or building resentment, but let's be practical.

I could say that I want to live in my home country because my family is there too. But I don't, because I have my own family here now, and they come first.

I know how hard it is to take care of three kids alone. Whenever she was away for weeks, especially when they were all little, I handled it. Now our oldest son is 15, our daughter is 13, and our youngest is 8. Even so, I never complained or asked her to cut back on her work trips or make herself smaller just to make my life easier.

She doesn't want me to go. Okay, I understand that. But let's be practical again. I could just as easily tell her not to go on long work trips, stay home, and spend more time with the kids. But that would be unfair because her career is important too.

If she still doesn't want me to go, then I won't go. But I also won't ask her to make herself smaller for my comfort. Still, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel that our relationship is unfair.

She can compromise for one year by shortening or cutting back on her work travel and spending more time with the kids by having a full time Nanny

She's already well established in her career, so one year isn't going to ruin anything. just the marriage

I've always put my wife and my kids first my entire life. Please read what I wrote again. Saying that we both put money ahead of our kids is a really unfair statement.

I'm only asking for one thing, once in my life: the chance to take a great opportunity for just 10 months. If that makes me sound selfish, then so be it.

Will you actually get enough leave to spend time with your children?

A year away is a long time to rarely see your children.

I’m sorry if you’ve covered this and I’ve missed it, but what are your wife’s reasons for saying no to this year away?

I think that, for the purposes of this thread, you should have name changed to TableForJuan.

I think it’s important for you to confirm the specifics - first it was a year, then it was 10 months, you haven’t said how much time you’ll be able to travel or host them in California… if these are the sorts of conversations you’re having with your wife, I can see why you’re going in unproductive circles.

It sounds entirely possible you’ll be there longer as the bonus is an ‘if’. It’s a massive bonus which means someone thinks it’s totally plausible it won’t happen or will take longer or some other complication.

I also didn’t understand that you’re expecting your wife to quit her job to facilitate this as she won’t be able to travel for a year. That’s a massive, massive change.

I still maintain you have plenty of money so I can’t quite see what’s worth it about upending your entire family and relationship. I genuinely can’t imagine having the kind of money you already have and thinking it’s not enough. I would think it’s a great chance to think about cutting down to spend more time with your family before they’re all out of the house - for both of you to be clear.

Maybe clumsily expressed on my part. I wasn’t referring specifically to the year away situation, more the general unfairness and lack of two-way compromise.

My point being that a woman who’s unconditionally supported her husband’s career - to the extent of moving countries and having less contact with her own family - and for years prioritised a home-based caregiving role in order to facilitate his constant travel, would not be unreasonable to want some support herself in the face of such an opportunity.

I think you should go for it. I fear you will always regret it if you don't. As you say, it's only for 12 months.

But be aware that it may change your relationship with your wife if you're apart for too long. I would advise you take frequent short breaks during the year, if possible, to return to Spain and see your family. And, of course, they could go to visit you during their school holidays.

I hope your wife will see your point of view and that you have a wonderful year.

I think the issue here is that she didn’t say ‘wow what a great opportunity! How can we make it work?’ considering your finances travelling over for the summer/school holidays wouldn’t be an issue and you could plan regular trips back or them to you. A year is different to two weeks or whatever every year, no one is denying that, but it should be a discussion and looking at how it can be done to minimise disruption and give you a chance to develop your career.

Go do the job and see where your marriage lands.

I think you need to explain how strongly you feel about this opportunity. I hope she can see the bigger picture and that you are able to agree on a solution.

Why don't you just ask for the opportunity without framing it as something you feel deserve after all the 'sacrifices' you've made and implying your wife is selfish?

Your wife goes away each month, insists you live in Spain so she has family around her and lots of family and your support so she can do her job

Would I be correct in thinking that anything her work asks of her she doesn’t think about because she has always got people running around behind the scenes making it all possible

What you are asking means for a year she will have to think about what you have to think about everytime she goes away
even just basic things like cooking dinner each night, cleaning and laundry
Also thinking about logistics and where dc are, where they need to get to and what they need to do and not just leave the house for work for the day, for the night or for 2 weeks each month and for a year she will also need to facilitate taking dc to visit their other grandparents

A year sounds a long time but if it is broken up into segments and with FaceTime and international travel it’s not that long.

I have a friend who went abroad (5 hour flight away) for 2 years. Dc and dh came to her every holiday for varying amounts of time (sometimes just for the weekend) or she would fly home for short stays, FaceTime and calls became the routine.

Her only issue was coming back and fitting back into family life.

I think for your wife all she sees is the extra work she will have to do and that after the year is up she might not be the main earner and with that, not be in the position to just expect things will always be her way or the highway

I do think sitting down with your wife and dc and working out logistics, different routines and scenarios and visits both ways might help you all navigate the year ahead.

Whilst you both earn an awful lot of money I think the bonus could give you a huge boost if spent/invested wisely

I think your dc are the key to making these things go smoothly. If they are happy and can see a purpose in what the bonus money is spent on making their lives better.

Being able to travel and see different parts of the world with parents who can take more time off to be with them.

It might be bribery but if every visit they get to do something special with you in LA, that is the key to keeping everyone happy.

I’m surprised you would be so happy to leave your wife and kids for that long of a stretch. Companies in the US barely give any annual leave at all, and you’d be a what, 12 hour flight away from them? Your wife travelling for her work is not the same as that.

I think your family should move with you to the US for the year, it would be a family adventure, your kids could go to an international school for a year, and your wife could still fly back for the Swiss and other events.

I get why you're frustrated.

God how much money do you actually need? You both earn more in a year than some people earn in a lifetime. You talk as if you're supporting your wife in a hobby but you're surely living a life of complete security and luxury because of her salary. And you're also earning a small fortune. I think you're inventing problems for yourself.

@joshkenn honestly that comes across that you are very much family oriented. I don’t agree with others trying to imply that you are not, your actions have demonstrated significant commitment to your family and your wife.

However this choice will affect your children arguably the most.

I think lots of situations require this uncertainty of there being no real wrong or right in the situation but you really must consider what your children are likely to experience if you are away for a year and if the very worst outcome that this drives a wedge in your marriage happens in the future.

You are not in control of those outcomes once you fully decide on this. The best possible outcome is that you and your wife get back together on the same page and make a combined decision because her feeling like she has that input is very much going to impact your children especially if you go.

The "one thing" you want will harm your dc though.

It's really not equivalent.

Going against the grain here but it sounds like you both have plenty of money. If work is not about money then it’s about fulfilment and ego.

Are you not fulfilled? Or is this your ego?

If this would change your life and set up your financial future then of course you should do it. But it sounds like that’s already set. So what’s the point. To leave your family for a year for what?

How will it harm them any more than their mother travelling monthly does, though?

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

I hope your kids see your parents as frequently as possible, as it is/was your responsibility to nurture their relationship with your family even if logistically it was more challenging.

From a work perspective I would tell her you really need this to rediscover yourself beyond a life built to slot into her home country, her family, her work commitments. Shift the conversation from if you should it to how you can do it.