After 17 years of supporting my wife's career, am I wrong to expect the same?

[joshkenn]

I'm in a situation where I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspectives.

For context, I'm 44 year old, my wife is also 44, and we've been married for 17 years. We have three kids two teenagers and an 8 year old. We live in Madrid. I'm Dutch, my wife is Spanish. After we got married, I moved from the Netherlands to Madrid because her career was already established here, all of her family was here, and her work depends heavily on networking and long l term relationships. Over the years, I learned Spanish, built my life here, and our kids all have Spanish citizenship.

Our marriage is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful mother, and I love her very much. This isn't a post about an unhappy marriage. It's about something that has made me question whether we've been approaching each other's careers equally.

My wife works in the art world, so travel is a regular part of her job. Every year she spends about two weeks in Switzerland for a summit she founded, and throughout the year she travels for gallery openings, events, and galas in different cities and countries.

My job is much more stable. I only travel a couple of times a year, so whenever she's away, I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.

Recently, my company offered me a one year assignment in Los Angeles. Financially, it's a huge opportunity. I currently earn around €300k, and this role would pay around $500k plus a $700k completion bonus if the project is successfully finished.

The interesting part is that money isn't really the reason I want to go. Between us, we're already very comfortable. My wife earns around €500k herself, and she's actually been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage.

The problem is that she doesn't want me to accept it. Her reasons are understandable. She says a year is too long, the kids need both parents at home, and she doesn't want our family living apart. I completely understand why she feels that way.

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.

Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."

I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

To be clear, I don't dislike my in laws. They're good people, and I don't resent my wife. I know she's made sacrifices too, and I know raising three kids is a team effort.

Probably I'm writing here just to vent but also, I'd really appreciate honest opinions because I can see both sides, and that's exactly why I'm conflicted

It’s not just simply about returning the favour, you supported her, she should support you. It’s about the specifics of this particular opportunity and whether you and your wife can actually make this work for your family.
You don’t mention your kids feelings on it. Logistics of their schooling etc. What are you actually asking? To uproot them to come with you or you be absent for a year?

I would argue that it seems you both travel regularly for your careers? Perhaps your wife does more, but it’s not comparable to a whole year. I think they are too different.

you earn a combined income of 800k a year and say it’s not really a financial need.

I would say that leaving you children and wife for a year will not be worth your feeling like you’re appreciated by your wife.

you May end up destroying your relationship with them over this.

maybe it would be better to address why the relationship feels unequal to you.

Another fantasist.

I know the responses will be looking at this in terms of who does the parenting, who is the one sacrificing. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to not want your OH to live away for a year. Going away for a week or two is not the same as going an 8 hour flight away for a whole year. You also don’t need the money. No one can tell you no, but I wouldn’t be want to leave my family for year and wouldn’t want my DW to do that either

Yanbu. These are the conversations - a marriage is give and take and objectively you have given a lot. It needs to be talked through, but for me the reason not to go would be more around not uprooting the kids when there’s no need, and looking at what stage they are in their education (but I am UK based and our system makes it very hard to change schools aged 14-16, or once started on the 16-18 syllabus.)?.

I don’t think your wife can reasonably suggest you shouldn’t go on her account after the way you have supported her.

I think be very clear about your sister’s 50th and not wanting to be in that situation again. For an independently-minded person, they may genuinely not see how much their presence would have meant to you.

Good luck, you sound amazing and given this is a predominantly UK forum I think there would be many women wishing they had this level of equality in their marriage…

Adding to my previous post and having read others, I had not realised that you might be considering leaving the family for a year to do this. If that is the case I think you may risk losing the marriage and a deep impact on your relationship with your children. Long distance doesn’t usually work.
For me I couldn’t for one minute imagine leaving my husband and children for a year, that may be why I misunderstood you thread. I don’t like leaving them for a few days which I have to do when travelling for work.

Would you actually be apart from the family the whole year? Surely you'll have a few weeks' leave when you can come back? And you could presumably come back for things like Christmas and other bank holiday weekends?

The US doesn’t usually do “a few weeks leave.” Two weeks is standard, an international employer may offer more.

'I'm the one looking after the kids and keeping everything running at home. I've never complained because I understood that her career required it.'
You meant to say,
because I am their father and of course I do 50% of the parenting.

' took on parenting whenever she traveled, '

that's twice you have whinged about parenting.

I dunno, they are massively high earners, they likely have paid help.

wife takes a few weeks a year for travel, husband also travels, but also feels entitled to a year abroad when they don’t need the money.

willing to leave his children for a year who are teens and 8y. I’ll stick with my husband thanks ☺️

She is being unreasonable and your situation sounds a lot like my brother and his ex-wife.

It was constant take from her and give from her and it took him far too long to notice. He always had to prioritise her career, her family events, her family. Over the years we never even saw him for Christmas as it would involve an overnight stay and she would say he can do it alone but the kids and her are not coming.

It’s over now but he realise now how one-sided their marriage was.

You have made a bit of a rod for your back by always going along to get along but it’s time you started putting your foot down and make clear how one sided she is being in the marriage.

Christ, some people just don’t know how to be happy and grateful for the enormous privilege they have.

That said I would argue one year is quite a long time and different to two weeks here and there. But there should be balance in any relationship. And not one partner feeling they are the only person making compromises.

I’d go to LA. Make sure you have regular visits set up for the kids.
If your parents want to see more of your kids, why can’t they visit you in Spain ?

2 weeks is quite generous in the US and that often will include time needed for sick leave. I believe standard can be as little as 5 days a year. My Sister gets a supposed generous package with 10 days and if she is unwell or needs doctors that comes out of her leave. US holiday is a joke.

I lived in Spain for many years, some of my best friends are Spanish and it is a wonderful country.

But this doesn’t surprise me. I have seen many Spanish-other relationships where the dynamic is similar (especially when it is the wife who is Spanish) where her culture, her proximity to family, her traditions take precedence. Some move away but with the hankering to get back.

FWIW if it is just a year, and no chance of it being extended and it will be good for you, I would go.

With the insane amount of money that you both earn, you can easily find ways to sort this out. You can go back and forth to LA with that kind of money. Of course wealthy people have issues and stressors that they need to deal with but you are more than enough equipped to sort this out without pining on a British internet forum about first world problems.

I personally think leaving your children and wife for a year when you don't need the money is a selfish move and not very sensible. It could have a detrimental impact on your relationship with your wife and children. If this opportunity is more important than your marriage and being a present parent, go for it. But don't be so naive in thinking that it won't impact those relationships. Teenagers need their parents just as much, if not more than young children. Men and women often have needs for intimacy, either of you could end up looking elsewhere for that when you're apart for so long.
The other stuff it's brought up such as missing your family events is fair and worth a conversation with your wife about changing that going forward. However, I really wouldn't recommend taking the job unless you're wiling to sacrifice your marriage and relationship with your children.

I think you are comparing 2 totally different things and conflating several issues.

How would you feel if your wife wanted to work away for a year @joshkenn ?

What? Look, it's not even about our marriage. It won't affect it whether I go or not. We've been together since we were teenagers. We had plenty of distractions back then, yet we still chose each other. Now our relationship is stronger than ever.

Yet you also say:

But what hurts is that I've spent 17 years supporting her career whenever it required sacrifices from me. I moved countries, adapted to a new life, took on parenting whenever she traveled, and never questioned the travel because it was important to her work.
Now that my career is asking for something significant just once, the answer seems to be "no."
I think this situation has also brought up feelings I've ignored for years. I often prioritize her family's events because they're important to her, while she rarely comes to mine if work conflicts. Last month I attended my older sister's 50th birthday alone because she had an event. My parents sometimes tell me they wish they saw the grandkids more, but most of our family time naturally ends up with my wife's side because we live here.

If your relationship is stronger than ever then either it’s always been pretty poor or you’re not being honest with yourself. If your marriage is so strong then why can’t you sort this out yourselves rather than you coming on here?

I'd find out what the arrangements would be for returning home. How often could you travel home, how often could they come to you? You can make it work if the company is flexible.

I think he has also moved countries learnt Spanish and lived in her country first her work.

I am not clear here - is it your plan to go to US and do the year and then return home while your wife and family remain at home? So basically you would simply be leaving them for a year? - rather than shipping them over to US for a year too? I do not think the level of disruption to the children to be shipped over to US for a year is a good idea. They are settled in school and friendship groups and presumably pursuing exam curricula.

Is your wife's concern that she would miss you and worries that such a long separation might be detrimental to your marriage, or is she concerned about who might pick up the family responsibilities that you currently shoulder? If it is the latter then presumably your increased earnings would cover paying for care/help. If it is the former, then I can see where she is coming from - one partner leaving for a year is destabilising.

I do not think this is a question of "I have supported her career and now she should be supporting mine", as her career does not involve the same level of disruption of either you being away for a year or everyone uprooting from their normal lives. I think you should stop viewing it in that competitive light and simply look at the practicalities of what is best for everyone.

I suspect that this offer has unearthed a resentment that has been simmering away for years if you were to be honest with yourself, because objectively there is nothing in the current situation that warrants your feeling resentful. She quite reasonably feels that you being away for a year might not be best for the family and you are reluctant to sacrifice an opportunity for yourself. These are issues that you both need to try and discuss objectively and free of emotion. There is no element of unfairness in your family set up so far - your situation is very akin to what happens more often with women and it is a reasonable way of dividing up roles.

You have ticked along OK for years and now this offer has come along to disrupt the routine. The only way forward is for you both to discuss this and decide on the right way forward. Make no mistake this will involve sacrifices from either or both of you and the children. There is no clear winner here - it will be about compromise. But when having that discussion it is important that you let go of the feeling that you are hard done by from the current arrangement and are "owed one." Only then can you plan the next step together.

I think you need to be clearer with your wife about things that are bothering you but you only just seem to have realised - your parents not seeing grandkids often enough for eg.

I do think having 2 weeks out of work (her summit) vs a whole year out of family life are not comparable, no matter the ages of kids living at home.

You should go. You earn enough money to pay for help and to have the family come visit. It’s short term too.
YANBU.