AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

I agree.

@Ano1n I think everyone just needs to grow-up and be nice to one another.

If in a group and am not willing to tolerate someone who is boring, I'd just not go. I can control my own actions but I shouldn't try to control someone else's.

If it's an informal arrangement with a group of 5-10 people, and you were having breakfast in the cafe where you all usually meet, I'm guessing the woman who came to join you simply wasn't aware that your breakfast was 'private'. She probably thought you'd just brought a friend along for the meet-up (much as she was brought along by someone initially) and that you were just the first ones to arrive.

So, yeah, making a big deal about it being a 'private breakfast' was a bit twattish of you I think, and I suspect your tone was arsey. She just misunderstood, that's all. Yeah, it's annoying to have someone join you when you don't like her, but I think you're being a bit harsh talking about her 'plonking herself down' and intruding when she clearly had no idea that she was actually doing that.

What's definitely rude is that OP was either going to:
Cut other friend off at 10 sharp and ditch her for the other group
or
Carry on her side meeting while the other group cracked on and continue to ignore them even though she knew they would be there
or
Cut short this private conversation and bring her over to the main group thereby inserting other friend into the established group which is exactly what she objected to someone else doing months ago

If the other conversation was that sensitive and private then OP should not have arranged to have it just before, and in the same venue as, the bigger coffee group meetup.

It should have been obvious that there would be overlap - anyone arriving early for the second would naturally make a beeline for someone else in the coffee group who they assumed was also early. I wonder if, had it been anyone else from the coffee group, OP would have rudely turned them away?

What it comes down to is that it's rude to pull a "you can't sit with us" move. If you're having a 1o1 conversation with a friend, and someone you know comes to say hi, you park the conversation you were having and welcome them in. Especially as the entire situation was predictable based on where you arrange to have the first conversation!

Ironic that OP calls the other woman a boor when the only boorish behaviour I see here is her own.

Yeah but as many people have said here, it was a poor choice of venue and time to be having this 'very personal' conversation during which new girl was shooed away...and the regular coffee crowd will think the same.
They will also know that OP wouldn't have reacted the same way to any of the others in the group. She would have done what adults in a public place do and wrap up the all-important chat to be polite to the third party.

It's incredibly rude what you did to someone you are acquainted with and is a friend of a friend. 'This is a private conversation'?! Was it really? No, you just don't like her.

I've never met an adult who would behave this way in a cafe. To a stranger maybe but not to someone you know. Who's done nothing wrong other than not being to your taste character wise.

An "abrupt tone" is not being polite, imo

If she had walked in, seen you, not spoken to you, and gone to sat elsewhere, it would have seemed a little odd.

You don’t like her, I doubt you were having a private conversation, and I suspect your dislike oozes out of you at regular meetings.

"This woman then takes offence to this and is now making accusations of bullying which seems rather unfair."

Has the woman made accusations of bullying? Or has the intro friend/group simply taken it as such after she described OP's actions?

Depends on the context doesn't it...and what has gone before.

but as she was the 'new person' once, presumably she thought you had done the same as 'intro friend' and brought along a new person to the group, rather than assuming you and unrelated friend were having a completely separate meet up.

I agree with the majority, if you and unrelated friend were, for example, sitting in the park or in a different coffee shop then it would be weird and rude for her to join your conversation. Given you were in the same shop you always meet in shortly before everyone else turned up, it's reasonable for her to have assumed that you were just early, like she was.

It was weird of you to meet your other friend in the same place. What would you have done if other friend's conversation carried on longer than you expected and the rest of the group turned up? told her 'sorry mate just going to cut you off there, nice seeing you but my other mates are here now so I'll leave you to sit with them?'

Intro friend was rude to add her friend to the group chat initially though.

It was definitely a tricky scenario. I get where you’re coming from. It must have been jarring to have your private breakfast crashed, even if inadvertently.

I would have been very embarassed if I’d been the ‘new girl’ clumsily blundering in to your breakfast and told I was not welcome to join.

However think she’s a bit of a trouble maker. She’s only just tentatively joining this group and she’s already accusing an established friend of ‘bullying’.

You’re right to feel uncomfortable about her.

Maybe she also thought you were early for the coffee meet up and that why she sat there … how’s she to know you were meeting someone at the same place prior to the coffee meet, and you could have just bought this person along too. Yes, it was rude and clearly you have an issue with her personally.

Pretty easy mistake to make when she was actually meeting the OP in that very place.

Agree with others that she obviously assumed you were there early as part of the meetup with a potential new member?

You clearly don't like her and it shows in your posts and the way you interact with her- she and others have probably picked up on that, which is why there are talks of bullying.

Was it a private conversation as in you were discussing something personal and sensitive or was it private in the respect that she wasn’t invited? If it’s the latter it sounds like very schoolyard behaviour - ‘you can’t sit with us’.

What the ‘guest’ did was pretty understandable and the way you spoke to her was humiliating, especially if your main concern is that you don’t like her and didn’t want to sit with her for 20 minutes.

It’s been over 6 months, it’s probably time to accept that she’s part of the group now. And the bully label may stem from the way you’ve been treating her over time rather than just today.

I had a friend who embarked on a campaign to exclude a new member to our friend group. Insisting there had to be separate events strictly for the ‘OG’ and behaving rudely when she was around. We don’t have time for this kind of juvenile behaviour and now she’s flounced off permanently.

Some people never seem to grow up from that behaviour … and it’s always mainly women.

You do sound like a bully. You don’t have to like everyone. But no need to be rude. She saw you, someone part of the group, of course she would sit with you!!!

If she interrupts etc then say something at the time. Maybe someone should have spoken to the friend that invited her at the start that she didn’t fit. Before it got this far.

I voted YANBU, but actually I think there are hurt feelings on both sides that are looking for justification. Your justification is 'she's unreasonable', hers is 'she's bullying'.

The reality is it was a simple misunderstanding - but your growing irritation with this new person made you respond over-harshly. Making her respond over-dramatically in return. To be fair new person does sound a bit of a PITA, but maybe she's just trying too hard to fit in and prove that she's fun, lively etc.

Any chance of anyone saying sorry and starting again?

🙄 point taken

Why didn't you plan your private breakfast for a different venue or time?

I don't think she was being unreasonable - she might just have thought you were early and your 'private' friend was a new member of the group.

Yeah you were rude and unwelcoming. I don’t think it would be classed as bullying though.

I always think it's a misnomer to dismiss these complications as 'school playground' because these group dynamics are absolutely not restricted to children. Plenty of adults carry on in this vein.
I think it's part of the social condition of people who live within our culture.
Life is a popularity contest. It's definitely not just kids, even if it first becomes apparent at school.

Then I agree with you op you weren’t being unreasonable to ask her to move to a different table.

I had the same experience which is why I recognise it happening with the OP.

And I'm sure my groups flouncer feels hard done by but no-one wants to be around a bully unless they enjoy bullying themselves.

I imagine the OPs coffee group are hoping she'll flounce too and they can get on with being grown ups and enjoying themselves without the OP creating drama.