AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

I think if you tell someone who is planning to have breakfast with you that they need to leave you should expect some pushback!

If they are so awful you'd rather deal with the backlash than have breakfast with them then fair enough but you shouldn't be surprised.

But she wasn't planning to have breakfast with her. She was already having a private breakfast with someone else and was meeting the others for coffee after.

Who exactly went to sit down with you and your other friend?

So you met up with a different friend, not part of the main group, prior to the group meetup? You really should have met your other friend at a different venue or on a different day. Anyone from the larger group would naturally come and join you so you set up a situation where someone would do so. That was unreasonable.

I would have said something like "I'm just having breakfast with my friend, I'll join you all a bit later". Thiugh I can see why you said what you said. Did she say hello or anything before sitting down at your table?

So you were meeting someone else before the group meet-up for coffee? If that’s the case then I think what you did is fair enough. Though tone is key here. If you were sharp then it was rude, if you were kindly but firm then the ‘intruder’ should have withdrawn with grace.

Did you meet for the private breakfast at the same place as the coffee meet up was planned? That was possibly not wise 😅 Of course ‘early not quite friend’ wouldn’t have realised that there were two separate meetings planned for the same cafe, especially if you and ‘breakfast friend’ are both part of the coffee group too.

Were you meeting someone else for breakfast in the same place you meet everyone else for coffee? What were you planning to do with breakfast friend? Tell her to bog off when it got to 10 because you have other friends now or invite her to join for coffee same as the one you don't like was invited?

Can you explain it again. You were meeting someone, and another woman (that you don’t like) tried to join you. You asked her not to.

is that it?

Cant believe you choose the same time and place for your private meeting no wonder she thought she could join you

"Sorry for hurting your feelings Jane, but I was having a sensitive and private conversation with someone else at the time when you wanted to join us and I tried to be as polite as possible to protect everyone's feelings in the moment.

Next time, I'll meet her elsewhere rather than give the impression we were there for the main meet up two hours early, ".

I can understand the frustration if you don’t like her and were genuinely trying to have a private conversation but I imagine it came across as exceptionally rude and akin to school yard “you can’t sit with us” exclusion.

IMO the appropriate thing to do would be to continue the private conversation later.

I read this as you were having breakfast with a friend who wasn’t part of the coffee group so boor didn’t know them? If so, it would then depend how you said it whether you were rude or not (and I suspect your face or tone gave away your dislike!). If you said, oh I’m sorry Boor, we’re just finishing off our breakfast and have some personal things to discuss would you mind if I join you for coffee with the others in a bit and give us some privacy now? Then def not bullying but still awkward. Social norms are that you accept boor in and give up on what you were discussing, sorry. Or you could have moved yourselves out…

Gatecrashing someone's breakfast should be a crime. I'd also be fuming op.
Maybe add in the group that you are enforcing your own boundaries and that also should be encouraged..

I think if she came into the place you always meet and you were there already she’s not unreasonable to approach and attempt to join you. You were very mean if you said anything like you reported here. You should have very gently said something like “hi lovely to see you can you grab the usual for the group, x and I are just having a quick 1to1 chat about something and will join you all at the usual time.”
but frankly it’s weird to have a private conversation in the same place you know 5-10 people you know are going to be dribbling in looking for the group.

Is there only one cafe where you live? Go someone else.

Was the person you met for breakfast part of the group? Because if that's the case, the new woman probably came to join you as she just thought it was the group meeting. She didn't do anything wrong and probably felt embarrassed and hurt when you told her to go and sit elsewhere!

Actually I don't think it was unreasonable, depending on how it was said. If you said, in a nice voice, something along the lines of 'actually Sandra and I are just having a quick catch up before we meet with everyone else as we have something to discuss privately' then I think that's perfectly reasonable.

if you said, in a cross voice, 'do you mind - this is a private conversation' then you were definitely being unreasonable.

Well surely it’s a social norm to not plonk yourself down at someone else’s breakfast uninvited

@Ano1n Set up a new group!

If my reading is correct and you met breakfast friend in the same venue as the coffee meet, then you're being a bit precious. Why not meet somewhere else? No wonder other woman was confused. You sound rather black and white in your thinking.