AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

Glad it’s not just me! Thought I was odd one out for a second.

@Ano1n interrupting bore friend told intro friend a totally OTT version of events to try to cause trouble? That is unacceptable

This is very OTT language.

Yes, if I arrived somewhere early and saw one of the people in the group I was due to meet chatting to someone else, I'd go and sit with them. I would assume she was there for the scheduled meetup and was bringing a friend I didn't know, which is par for the course for this group. I would not assume she was discussing something so private that no one else could draw near.

The OP lacks every kind of intelligence not to have foreseen that there'd be overlap between her two social engagements and therefore if the first needed to be private, it needed to be done at another time or place.

Wise decision. Even though I think it was a bit daft to have such a short space between meet ups, (and have it in the same place,) this woman tittle tattling to the group, and running to teacher - the Queen Bee - and slagging you off, was a bit pathetic, dramatic, and childish on her part.

It’s not the fact that she didn’t want anyone to join a private breakfast, the unreasonable part is that she expected the woman to know that this is a private pre-meeting when it was much more likely that OP was early for the group coffee as well and brought a new friend along, just as she recently was brought into the group. It would have been very weird to agree meeting people for coffee and then to sit down at a different table when you spot them.

Is the ‘friend’ who added annoying woman to the WhatsApp group without asking if that would be ok not at fault? Which should have been sorted at the time she was added. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of today’s situation I’m too old to have boorish people inflicted on me and would withdraw from the group/set up a new group with people I actually wanted to spend time with

Agree. Time is short spare time is precious. Surely once you get
to a certain age this having to be perpetually “nice”’to strangers wears off. Op owes this woman nothing.

Not liking the sound of this woman - happy to muscle into an existing group then assuming she can tag along to any social interaction of those in the group. Then running to mummy when boundaries are drawn. Plus a boor. Sounds a nightmare.

You ok?! 😁

Exactly, you see someone you're supposed to be meeting in 20 minutes sat at a table at the place you're supposed to be at, it's not unreasonable to assume they're just a bit early too.
Like you're supposed to be psychic or something!

My understanding here is that it's the former colleague who came over to sit with you whilst you were talking to an unrelated friend?

Without knowing the dynamics of the friendship groupings it's hard to really understand what's going on. For example, is this a group of women who all have a common interest in a maternity group, sports, an organisation or charity. How close are you all? Friends from school? Parents from school?

I think it's very likely that the person who introduced her colleague to the group felt it was a supportive community that would welcome her, and that perhaps this person, for whatever reason just hasn't gelled with everyone. They may struggle with social cues also... but I would also point out that if the colleague spotted (and recognised) you sitting with someone they didn’t know then you've already said that there's a fluctuating number of people who attend these meet ups.

Could it not be that the person recognised you and thought it was the start of the grouping (I understand the timing would be off here as it's early, but could they perhaps just have been eager to join?).

If I was meeting a friend before meeting a group of people then I'd have probably mentioned something on the group beforehand and also let my friend know my plans but you're also not wrong in not doing this either. I think it's just come down to someone eager to join and hasn't understood. Maybe just explaining the situation could help?

It sounds like you're annoyed at the woman having been introduced to the group, maybe she's sensing this and your reaction has confirmed this (even if your reaction was for a wholly different reason).

It's hard to know exactly without more context.

But why don't you just say "Hi, may I join you?" Then they say "I'll see you for coffee in a few minutes, we're just having a private chat," then you say "Oh ok, no worries," and sit elsewhere. I don't see all the need for great analysis or offence-taking or bullying accusations.

I always turn up early to places so if I was meeting people at 10 and turned up at 9.40 and see 2 of them already there i would of also come over and sat with you. You where really nasty she did nothing wrong coming to join you

tbh I think the reason why you’re annoyed at being called a bully is because you know you don’t like her and your behaviour probably has crossed that line. Let’s face it, if it was one of the friends you do like, you probably would have let them join you and introduced them (that’s just social niceties). But your disdain for her shone through. You should probably leave the group because openly not liking someone in a group is just cruel.

Same here. I swing between thinking “I wish I had a regular catch up group like this” and then remembering what groups of women are like.

Someone should have had a chat with introducing friend ages ago to say that you don’t want extra people coming. It’s awkward but now nothings been said, the new lady will think she’s welcome. Bitching about her and being abrupt isn’t nice.

”sorry to be a pain but I’m just finishing up my breakfast with a friend, I’ll be over at 10am for coffee - hope you’re well!” Would have landed much better than “this is a private conversation “ which just sounds childish.

It’s not what you say but how you say it. Work on your kindness.

I stand by what I said. And my brain computes just fine.

Something as simple as smiling to acknowledge them and then moving on would work. It'd indicate to them that she feels friendly but doesn't want to interrupt. If they want her to join them, they'll ask. No big blow-up, just good manners.

Well, it sounds as if you were rude to her because she wasn’t psychic and didn’t know that you weren’t just also earlier to the big group breakfast. I also think that, in a core group that can be as big as ten people, you’re likely to encounter some individuals you’re less keen on. You either deal with that or leave the group.

No one would think to ask "may I join you" to someone they were literally scheduled to meet a few minutes later in that spot. The natural assumption is that they're there for the scheduled meeting and also a bit early. It's certainly not clear from the outside that they're having a private conversation that no one can intrude on.

The weird behaviour here is arranging two separate social engagements back-to-back, in the same place, then insisting the streams can't cross at all. OP is treating her friends like back-to-back job interviews. She should have told her private friend that she was meeting a bigger group in the same place shortly, and the private friend was welcome to join them. And she should have been prepared for anyone from the bigger group to arrive early, and welcome them to sit with her - cutting short any private conversation and parking it for another time if necessary. That's natural, polite social etiquette. And if she wanted a private conversation that no one could intrude on then she should have gone somewhere else (that 10 other women weren't about to rock up at).

Yes they would, it's common politeness when you don't know someone very well and they are sitting with someone you don't know at all. It's also often clear from body language when someone is having a private conversation. Ok, if I read it wrong, bounded over and was told to butt out I might feel a little miffed and embarrassed, but the last thing I'd do is message the group about bullying. That's extremely boorish and main character energy, making it all about her. Such drama is really unnecessary.

Not if you assume, not unreasonably, that the two other people are also just there slightly early for a group meal.

This

The reasonable thing to do (asides from not having a private meet up directly ahead of the group meet up in the same location), would have been to manage expectations. A quick message to the group ahead of time explaining you were having a private breakfast with your friend first but will join the group afterwards, ask if whoever arrives first from the group can grab a big table etc etc.

Instead, you’ve almost set this woman up for a fall. She’s arrived early at the agreed meet up venue, saw you and assumed you and your friend were early too so sat down with you. It doesn’t seem as though you delivered your message to her to go away particularly kindly.

So yes, I can see why she’d feel bullied. Maybe it’s time for a bit of self reflection? Just because it may not have been your intention to bully her doesn’t mean that’s not how it came across.

People make mistakes, I think it’s time to gracefully admit yours in the WhatsApp chat.

I’d be private messaging the person who brought new girl in to say majority aren’t happy about new addition. She seems to be ruining the dynamic of what was a friendly group and you’re not happy about her overly dramatic version of what happened.

That wouldn’t do well to stoke the “bully” flames…

I attend a local book club group -we generally meet at Same big table in a local pub every month.

if I arrived early and saw someone sat at a table for 2 eating with a stranger I’d wave at them and get my drink and go and sit at the usual table and wait for the other book groupers to arrive.

if they were sat eating at our usual table I’d join them and say hello. Probably not if one was say sobbing about sone private issue.

I’d not assume I can join the small table group unless they actively waved me over.

Exactly. That would be the normal way to behave here too.