AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

I really must get my head out of this thread and DO THINGS.

Good luck OP, you're probably feeling pretty anxious by now and I'm sorry about that.

You can likely smooth it over with an apology and an explanation before graciously accepting this woman as part of the group...or not.

"You can't sit with us."

😂

Wouldn't it be odd to walk into a cafe where you're due to meet people, see one of the people you're due to meet and not aporoach them?

Surely if you want a private breakfast you don't have it when and where you've arranged to meet others?

If OP's response would have been different for any other member of the group, what she did is bullying.

It’s so hard to know without being there/ being part of the group.

It sounds like a misunderstanding re the breakfast - she probably thought you were just early too.

Re this friend joining the group - has anyone actually raised it with inviting friend? Or have you just assumed she will realise you object/ that it’s a closed group?

Does inviting friend think it’s an open group where anyone can invite someone new? And perhaps is it actually an open group but only you think otherwise?

This.

Grown up mean girls dynamic isn’t a good vibe. The newbie maybe hasn’t many friends and least can do is make conversation for 15 mins to not hurt someone like that imho.

OP you were called out for a reason.

Some people don’t like being told NO, so she immediately resorted to calling you a bully.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t bother responding but just ignore her. Eventually those types tends to flounce off in the end, which usually solves the problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP did the flouncing off.

It was a genuine misunderstanding on her part. A quite reasonable misunderstanding. I am absolutely sure you would have handled it differently someone you actually liked. So if say, yes, you're not so much a bully as a bit of a bitch.

This is why I don't like groups of exclusively females. I never saw on all female group where there wasn't some cattiness eventually.

The issue with 'awkward' guests is a tricky one. I had a similar situation with a professional women's group. Any woman could take part, but we had a transwoman join. Lovely lady, but the group didn't feel able to discuss 'women's issues' with her there. Either we were embarrassed or she just didn't understand or want to discuss female problems as her experience was very different, and she was somewhat strident in wanting to discuss her problems. The group quickly folded. Sometimes the group dynamics can be completely thrown off when someone joins.

Been there done that. Not anymore

Regarding your breakfast, I've been both the one having a private chat and the one arriving early. In the first case, I've explained quietly that we're having a private chat - although I've rarely had to do this. In the second case, I've just waved and said see you later - which is what I find most people do.

Flouncing off is rude and rather socially inept.

how very weird! So breakfast meeting arranged with all the women.

Then you turned up an hour early at the arranged locations but with a different unrelated woman, had breakfast, but then planned on joining the group 'for coffee' afterwards.. the person you don't like turned up early and came and sat down with you, and you sent her away like a naughty child.

Yes, you were fucking rude, and if it was just this woman that you would have given that treatment to then I can see how it would be seen as bullying.

What was your friend going to do? Were you going to send her away too when everyone else arrived.. what an awkward thing for every one involved.

I think this woman was a dick and behaved like her usual overbearing self and caused friction.

I think the OP was overly sharp with the other woman though.

Having a 'private meeting' is overly condenscending and makes it sound like you are treating the overbearing woman as an errant employee or child. Its not bullying, but it was inappropriate behaviour even if she is a knob.

You can't really have a 'private meeting' with somebody in a cafe where you are meeting up with other people you know, can you?

I have had one or two friends make me 'wait' to see them because they were (avoidably imo) tied up with something when I turned up. Its changed the way I view them I'm afraid, and one friendship didn't survive (for other reasons).

Regardless of the personalities involved, if I turned up for a group breakfast a bit earlier and one or two of the breakfast club were already there, I'd assume they were early too and sit down with them. She may be a 'boor' (fun word) but she's not psychic.

But how would she know this was a seperate meet up to the one arranged for the same venue?

Honestly, OP what were the topics of this private conversation? And how urgent were they?

How would you know that? Have you spoken go the others?

That was added later.

Perhaps not polite but certainly not bullying.

From what the OP has described about this person then perhaps being direct was the only way to get the message across?

Wow. I actually cannot believe what I’m reading!

OP, are you in year 9?!

She joined you at another pre meet up you had and were eating?

She was unbelievably rude to do this.

In your place I would simply state these facts.

You had a pre meet up arrangement made with someone unconnected to your regular arrangement and were eating.
This person assuming she could just join you was extremely rude.
As for calling you bullying, she is a cheeky fxxker, just like the woman who thought she could plonk down at your table uninvited.

I would be making a new group without either woman and see these people at another time.

Life is too short. They both sound uncouth.

How many meals can you have before breakfast???

You arranged a "private meetup" with a friend in the same place that you were due to have a breakfast meet up with other friends.
"Intro friend" arrived 20 minutes early for the meetup, which isn't too unreasonable and spotted you.
I'd have probably assumed that you were just early too and come over. She's not bloody psychic. How's she supposed to know you're having a "private" meet before the actual meet?! You'd have embarrassed her and made her feel like crap.
Also, what were you going to do when the time of the actual meet came up in 20 minutes?!
Shunt your "private" friend off, like "next please!"
Conveyor belt style?!
YABU.

Mixed bag here …
To add context - I caught up with friend for breakfast after a gym class & the conversation was private & not something that she would have talked about in front of someone she didn’t know and she was going straight home.

Group WhatsApp… Comment has been deleted - spoke to the friend who wrote it and was on a batshit version that included swearing and raising my voice.

I have zero need or inclination to call her out on a Group WhatsApp - if someone is who you think they are they can show their own colours

You've seemingly skipped over the part where they were having a private conversation...and someone tried to insert themselves into the situation.