AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

No, look it up.

No - boorish means coarse and bad mannered. Oiky like.

Trouble is not dullness but domineering and rude behaviour.

No, it's boor. A boor is an insensitive, rude person.
A bore is...well, boring.

If you arrived for coffee and you saw one person you knew you were meeting, sitting with another person you didn’t know, would you sit with them? That seems odd to me.

If I saw someone from a group with a person I don’t know, mid meal and twenty minutes earlier than the meet up time, I wouldn’t just sit down. I’d say hi and ask if I could join, but I wouldn’t just assume it was part of the coffee meet up if it was so much earlier and people were eating when it’s normally just coffee. If I’d arrived twenty minutes early then I’d have been expecting to sit by myself in the first place, so if they said “no” I’d get it, be slightly embarrassed at my lack of social nous, apologise for interrupting and then go and read my book/scroll or whatever I’d planned to do, not stomp off in a huff and bitch about it.

Op could have been a bit nicer about it, but it isn’t “bullying” and the “women standing up for each other, sisters forever” message would really piss me off. It only ever seems to be used when someone starts standing up to someone that is generally a bit of an arse and expects everyone else to listen to them.

Leaving without joining for a bit was a bad idea though. That’s let it fester and created a her vs you scenario. You should have just gone and sat down once a few others arrived, apologised for being late and said your friend had asked to meet up to have a chat about something personal, then changed the subject back to whatever they were talking about.

It isn’t weird at all to choose the same venue so you avoid unnecessary travel time.

Genuinely learned something today thank you!

I knew the word boorish but have never realised that the word boor was a standalone word as well.

That's what I think.

If a friend walked out when I was expecting to have coffee with them, I think the conversation at the table with the rest of the group would be what's going on? Is she okay? Do you think she's ill? Has something happened? Just got bad news? One of us text her quickly just to ask if she's okay.

The fact no-one did that, no-one asked OP what had happened or if she's okay and hours later there's a message in the group chat about bullying makes me think that's exactly what it is. The fact no-one has privately messaged OP to say 'what the hell is this weirdness in the group chat about bullying?" or said that on the group chat either, makes me confident everyone knows its about OP and agree.

I've never in my life heard a bully have any self awareness and agree that they are one. It's always blustery well okay I might do x, y and z but that's not bullying, bullying is...whatever definition they make up that doesn't include their behaviour.

Which is what OP is doing. As well as wanting to respond 'fuck off' to the group chat.

I would add a message getting it all out in the open and explaining. Very straight forward. 'Is this about me not inviting you to sit with my other friend and me yesterday? We were having a bit of an intense and private conversation before the group meet up with you lot. Maybe I could have phrased it differently but I was a bit flustered - no intent to offend!'

Then if she complains further you can just thumbs up the message or something equally dismissive/ pass agg but at least she can't moan about you to anyone else.

You were not unreasonable but she clearly has taken offence and maybe you did say it in an abrupt way.

Yes, you are a bully.

You could have worded it better, ‘oh, the coffee meet-up hasn’t started yet, I’m just finishing up with (friend)’, where will you and the others be sitting?’

YANBU!!

If it was two people from the group then sure, maybe it was confusing. It wasn’t though!

She could have just come and said hi and suss it out, then you would say something like “I’m nearly done, see you in a bit” but her attitude was to just intrude on you and sit down, though not surprising owing to her usual behaviour! She made it awkward, not you.

I would try and call or meet up with the intro person to explain, she has likely heard a very different story of events.

I suspect the bully label is because you’ve made it obvious previously how you feel about this woman? I doubt your friend would have used it if it was a one off event.

I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later.

How do you know what OP’s exact words were? These were not in the post. She could have said exactly what you suggested and h the boorish one would still have got upset.

Oh come on OP…….have a little grace! This person might be genuinely struggling and could have been simply hoping for some company to help them navigate a difficult period in their life.
Why be so precious about your friends that you risk losing them because someone else trod on your toes?!
Be kind MNetters……..no one knows what others are going through.

Do people really address friendship groups in the pompous and authoritarian tones normally reserved by passive aggressive managers for dealing with recalcitrant staff?
"I thought I'd clearly explained..."
"It was not appropriate..."
"Private and sensitive matters..."
Whatever happened to "Sorry if I seemed a bit off Sandra, but my friend Barbara needed a chat about some stuff she has going on. You know how it is..."..?

I like this, you should send it OP!

It just feels like a misunderstanding. She probably assumed you were early like she was so came to join you.
You don’t like her so I imagine from your posts that you were short and rude to her which has embarrassed her.
She made a mistake, you were possibly mean.
If someone else from the group that you do like came over to sit with you having arrived early, can you honestly say you’d have behaved in the same way or would you have let them sot or explained more politely?

Maybe the friend she was meeting also needed support and privacy, why does one person’s supposed needs trump another’s?

OP explained the situation, the other person only had to wait 15 mins and she would have other people to sit with.

She said it was a private conversation. That comes across as rude.

Why is it rude rather than factual?

Yep either way could have been seen as rude. Go over to greet Jane and her companion (who could easily be a new group member, seeing as they are at the same place for meet up) - offended OP as per this post.

Arrive at cafe, see OP and friend, wave and go to sit alone at a separate table? Seen as rude and standoffish (Sandra sat by herself until the rest of the group arrived, she must not like OP!)

She could have said “hi, OP, shall I join you or are you having a separate catch up first,” but still can see where confusion has occurred.

Were you clearly sat at a table for 2 so it was obvious you weren’t waiting for more people, OP?

So by your logic, what should this lady have done? If I was meeting a group of friends in the pub at 8pm, walked in, and one of them was already seated at the bar having a conversation with someone, the first thing I'd do is go up, say hi, order a drink. What I would not do is sit at the opposite end of the bar ignoring them until the stroke of 8. That's a bit bonkers.

It’s both

I'd reply saying, "No bullying was involved. I was meeting a friend separately from the group and we were having a private conversation about something which was very personal. I'd planned to meet our group after that, and this is what I said to Name."

In a group where there's precedent for other to bring someone along, where OP says herself the group is fluid? I'm sure I'd assume they were the group I was supposed to be meeting. I might be wrong, and could live with being corrected, but I'd expect it to be done kindly, as I'd be embarrassed to have made the mistake.

I'd say the group is well aware of the ubdertone to the way OP treats this new group member, which is why there's talk of bullying, rather than a misunderstanding.

But again, what makes it rude?

Some conversations are private and others coming in is not appropriate. That's not rude - rude would be trying to insert yourself into a private conversation