AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

What? Look at it from OP’s other friend’s point of view. A complete stranger to you rolls up and sits at your table when you are having a meal with your friend. If OP had said “fine, the more the merrier” you think that’s ok? I’d be pissed off at that.

They should asked before sitting down, yanbu and certainly not bullying behaviour. I would make plans to meet your friends without those two they sound like a headache.

She was invited to the group meet up. The breakfast is irrelevant. She thought it was the group meet up as any one of the others in the group would have too.

She has the hind of a rhino. I wouldn't dream of interrupting what is clearly a private conversation. Vile behaviour of her. I wonder if she is embarrassed and that is the reason for the 'bullying' accusation.

Not if they were with someone not part of the group

End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation
Sounds as though this woman has real problems with the etiquette of social interaction. She sounds as though she is ND. And so coming over and sitting down with you unasked when she saw you would be in keeping with her inability to read social situations.
Did the woman ,her former colleague, who introduced her to the group do so because she knew she struggled socially and felt sorry for her?

I can understand why you were annoyed when she tried to add herself to your private meet up with your other friend. But I think you could have handled the situation with tact and kindness.

As the other friend I'd be even more pissed off when it got to 09.59 and she told me to piss off because she's now meeting other people and I'm not invited to join them.

Has anyone voiced that they also don’t like the woman who is boorish in your opinion or is the group chat falling off just something that has happened.

Regarding the bully label...

Seems a strong word to use over this isolated awkward encounter...unless your dislike has already been noted. That you still regard and refer to her her as a guest indicates your attitude towards her. Perhaps YOU have been making HER feel uncomfortable.

I could be wrong of course.

I think the majority of people would suck it up that they’d been interrupted by a mutual acquaintance and pause the confidential conversation. It doesn’t matter that you were not “the main group” meeting. In my opinion.

OP I think there's a good range of perspectives on here, all based on each poster's own experience.

You will know how to proceed having read them.

She hasn’t elbowed her way in though, has she. She was invited in by someone in the group and has no idea that she has “changed the dynamics” or that there are private WhatsApp convos happening outside of the group, as presumably no one who apparently has an issue with her has bothered to tell her this and she just thinks she’s made some nice friends. She’s not mystic Meg.

If I arrange to meet a friend for lunch at 1 and turn up at quarter to 1 and my friend and A N Other are there I would assume that I could join them rather than have to wait in line for 1pm exactly.

She didn't tell her to fuck off but she may as well have. She didn't in any way explain that she had met this woman for breakfast who wasn't staying to join them for coffee.

She abruptly (OP admitted she was abrupt) said 'this is a private conversation, I'll join you later'.

AND THEN LEFT in a huff because the woman she'd been rude to seemed offended.

Didn't explain anything to anyone. Sounds like she didn't even explain anything to the rest of the group who'd arrived and just walked out.

So they probably said 'what's just happened' and the woman said 'I don't know, I thought we were all meeting for coffee but when I went to sit down she snapped 'this is a private conversation and she'd join us later but now she's walked out'.

So I'm sure the group had their coffee talking about how rude OP had been and that resulted in them agreeing someone put something in the coffee chat saying we don't want bullying in the group.

And OP wants to reply 'fuck off' to everyone but hasn't replied yet. Which makes it even more obvious it's OP with the problem.

You don't come across well in your OP. No one will know if you're a bully from just hearing your side on the internet bur if this is how your friend/s feel they may be right.

It sounds like you were very rude and humiliated your friend. If I was the friend sat with you for breakfast or the one meeting you for coffee I'd be backing away from you. It does seem like a set up to embarrass your friend having her meet you in the same place you were meeting someone else.

You embarrassed her and she didn't react well.
I think it would have been better to meet your other friend at a different place if you were needing privacy and it was literally just the hour before everyone was meeting.

I think if you turn up twenty mins early to a coffee group and see one of the group sitting at a smaller table, halfway through breakfast with someone that you don’t know, you have to have some poor social skills to assume that it’s part of your meeting.

OP in your shoes if you’re confident there has been no bullying on your part why do you think friends message applies to you?

why not just respond “goodness what on earth has happened?!”

Last time I heard someone saying 'we are having private conversation' was when I was in primary school. As you were at the meeting place she would naturally assume she could join you. You can't control and curate large groups to suit you exactly. A lot of people will have formed their own breakaway groups or pairs and will be less fussed about who joins the big group meet ups.

This would be my guess. It's all sounding a little school playground tbh.

Even if they were at a table that clearly didn’t accommodate the group and were half way through a breakfast?

surely in those circumstances your first reaction would be either did I get the time wrong/why did my friend start eating without me which as a minimum would prompt an enquiry of some sort.

And I think it would look incredibly weird to go and sit on your own for 20 minutes when a person from the group you were due to meet up with was also there.

Did you say it nicely, or were you a bit sharp? She must’ve been really embarrassed 😬.

Personally, if you were nice about it, I’d just say it was a sensitive conversation and you’d tried to explain that at the time without embarrassing your conversation friend.

I had back to door / counter and didn’t see her come in & she was maybe 20 minutes early
Very amateur to not place yourself so you have full view of the room.
Your dismissal of unwanted company was very clunky, too.

What was so private about your chat with breakfast buddy, anyway. Do people have heart-to-hearts over bacon sandwiches?

If I knew that this person was meeting my friend in the same place after for coffee, I'd think it was totally normal for her to assume I'd be joining them for coffee too and try to sit down.

I'd have been mortified if my friend spoke to someone like that and sent them away. I wouldn't be having breakfast with her again.