AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

I think it all depends how you spoke to her, whether you're unreasonable or not.

The fact that you were there with a friend who wasn't part of the group, having a private meet up makes her a bit rude. But it is equally possible you were rude to her in response.

To be honest, I'd pull back from the whole group for a bit. They've clearly sided with the newcomer, regardless of whether they like her or not.

I'd put a neutral message in the Whatsapp group saying something along the lines of-

'Apologies for the crossed wires this morning unwanted interloper. X and I were having a 121 confidential discussion about something of a really personal and private nature, which was why I arranged to meet her:

1 on my own,
2 without the group
3 for personal and private support.

It wasn't my place to share her private information with others, which was why we couldn't include you.'

@SunnyRedSnail - thank you ! & yes

Personally if I saw someone having a meal with someone I didn’t know I wouldn’t have interrupted but can see there is a dividing consensus on that.
It’s the bully label I have an issue with

Have responded back a few times (not actually sent)

Eh? So you HAVEN'T responded then??

The ‘guest’ isn’t a guest anymore. After 6 months of weekly coffees she’s an established member of the group. I think if you wanted a private breakfast you should have gone somewhere else, or at least put on the group chat, ‘I’m meeting someone first for a private chat but I’ll come over to your table after’.

Well to me reading that you seem like the bully! It's just a breakfast, seems like exclusion, why such a big deal, you clearly don't like her

This is a nice way to frame. If I understand correctly it was Jane being offended on behalf of Jill
who she introduced to the group but the general idea applies . Apologise in public means you avoid turning yourself into the baddie but making it clear you there were reasons and stand behind that

I also can see both sides and much depends on how the message was conveyed.

if you said oh I’m really sorry, we are having a bit of a private conversation, we will join tne main group later, I hope you don’t mind.

no bullying.

an abrupt message, then yes it can be seen as exclusionary and bullying.

i suspect it eas this the latter, not conveyed kindly because you don’t like her. Was it even a private convo. Would you have done the same to others you like, I suspect not.

id check that the group hasn’t quieted down due to you and your intolerance,

Oh God how much worse that would make it!

How on earth do you think that's neutral? It's even more rude than OP snapping 'this is a private conversation I'll join you later'.

No, YANBU and you weren't being a bully. You were having a private breakfast, which someone else tried to join. There's nothing wrong with saying, eg " sorry Jane, Beth and I are having catch-up this morning. I'll join the rest of the group for coffee in about 20 min." What else were you supposed to do? I really don't like this ingrained behaviour where women shove their own needs and wants to the very bottom of the list to make sure everyone else is comfortable and happy. (I used to do it when I was younger, and I have no idea why. It must be societal pressure. Not to appear 'rude'. To always be sweet and accommodating. It's a load of rubbish.)

As long as you didn't say, 'fuck off Jane, you boring cow,' you were merely explaining the situation. I wouldn't let her paint you as a bully to the rest of the group. Just say clearly, 'No bullying has occurred. I politely advised I was in the middle of a private conversation and would join you later.' No need to say any more.

'It isn't bullying to meet a friend for breakfast at a cafe and not expect an audience and be accused of bullying to ask a random person not to sit with us, thanks'

She obviously just thought you had brought along a new friend for the coffee meet up.

Telling someone in the gentlest possible way that you don’t want to see them until their allocated time slot is already super awkward and would make a lot of people feel really embarrassed. So saying it abruptly is pretty mean to be honest.

She wasn't a random person though.

I would post this -

‘I think there has been a misunderstanding and it has all got blown out of proportion. I had arranged to meet my friend Grace separately for breakfast before our coffee.

We were mid breakfast and deep in a private conversation when Susie arrived early and joined our breakfast. I explained that Grace and I needed to finish our chat and I would join Susie and the rest of you at 10am for coffee as arranged.

I am sorry if Susie feels I was bullying her - I honestly just needed some one on one time with Grace and this is the only time and venue that worked for both of us. Had Susie stayed for our breakfast we couldn’t have finished our discussion and would have had to rearrange another time.’

the problem seems to be Susie presumed she was welcome to join, and was then embarrassed when she was rejected. She sounds a bit immature. Most of my friends would understand life is complicated and sometimes we need a private chat with a good friend

Yep.

Or just politely have said when the woman went to sit down 'oh sorry, Jane and I are just having breakfast before she heads out, we'll finish off and I'll come and join you'

Not snap 'this is a private conversation l, I'll join you later'.

Yes, I would have assumed you'd brought someone new along to join and you were both just having something to eat whilst waiting for everyone else to arrive.

This was quite predicable really. Would have responded the same to anyone else in the group joining you?

Also agree she's not a 'guest' - if she has been attending the meet-ups for months she's part of the group, whether you like her or not.
Calling her a guest has given you away. This is a you problem I think.

Don't get me wrong, I understand what it's like to have an unlikeable foisted into your social set-up...but unless you're the queen bloody bee, you won't win by refusing to accept her.
Group dynamics.

"This was quite predicable really. Would have responded the same to anyone else in the group joining you?"

I'm guessing no.

Team op. Perfectly normal thing to do. You don’t blunder over and plonk yourself down especially in this scenario where she’s elbowed her way into the friendship group in the first place.

I can see both sides, but ultimately I think you should have gone elsewhere if you wanted it to just be the two of you.
I think if I turned up early and saw someone from the group already there I’d have a split second thought of “is it weird if I join them or is it weirder if I sit on my own when someone from the group is already here???”
It really does depend how nicely you said it, but I expect your dislike for her did make it a bit abrupt.

Sorry but I think it’s odd that you expected someone who was going to a cafe to meet friends to walk in, see one of the people they were meeting was already in there, and go and sit somewhere else until their dedicated time slot to be in your presence

I’d have assumed like most other people the person you were with was someone you’d brought to join that day, and I’d bet the feeling of approaching a friend and being told to go away and sit somewhere else was horrible. No doubt if she had walked in and seen you and then not acknowledged you the post would’ve been “why does this person in our group not like me?”

She wasn’t invited to the breakfast

So the ghastly woman went to plonk herself down on a seat whilst you were having a conversation with somebody else who is not part of the regular breakfast group and she appears to have reported back to the original friend that you were unkind.

You were absolutely right to stop the ghastly woman from being part of a private conversation. Most people with any semblance of manners would have uttered ‘is it okay if I join’ and accepted accordingly if somebody explained it was a private conversation and no that was not okay rather than behaving like a toddler and reporting back to the other friend.

Time to divide and conquer.

But she isn't a random person, she's a person who the OP is meeting up with. So the other group member saw the OP and went to sit with her, as you would.

She was invited to that venue, at about that time, to meet a group including that person. Of course she joined them, thinking they were early.

I Think it was mean. You wanted to get rid of this person and didn't give any consideration to their feelings.