AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

No. Why do you ask?

Have you asked intro friend why she jumped straight to publicly shaming you without even bothering to get your side of the story?

I'd be very annoyed with that.

As you’d arranged to have breakfast with your friend and would be joining the bigger group later, you were certainly not in the wrong.. I’m also sick to death of the term bullying coming up for any minor disagreement.

Sorry but I don't quite understand this update - do you mean the original comment stated that you swore and raised your voice when you sent Boor away?

This sounds like a gym cafe set-up and I can see how it's happened - especially as she seems to have such a lack of social awareness. She's in the wrong but it would have been more diplomatic to kindly let her know you would be joining the group at 10 and this wasn't the gathering. More of, 'I don't know where we're all going to be sitting but I'll join you and the others at 10am'. But we can't all be well rehearsed queens of getting social niceties right...especially when you've been ambushed from behind.

If it is a gym group, they're notorious for getting out of hand and wrecking the original group. That's when you default back to the original few where it all started.

What op did is really normal here. If you saw a friend deep in conversation with someone not in your usual meet up group you do not go and sit with them you would smile and wave and sit elsewhere. Could have been a work meeting for all she knew. We have one gorgeous cafe that everyone goes to so this happens quite often. Her getting angry about it is weird. Can see why you don’t like her.

Also why do women have to be friends with everyone to be “inclusive”? it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to be friends with someone forced on you. “Bullying” accusation is mortifying.

@Ano1ndid the woman say anything as she sat down, like hello to the both of you?

Actually it does come across as OP doesn’t like the woman - but I wouldn’t like the kind of person who throws a strop because she isn’t invited to join in someone’s private meal

I agree this woman sounds like she isn’t good in social settings.

in fairness I often have work meetings in city coffee shops - I know one person I meet often has a meeting before me and a meeting after, if I arrive early I get a table and a coffee and wait for him to finish. I would never join unless invited.

but this lady seems to have just missed that social queue. I think OP could have handled it better though - apologized and said she was deep in a conversation but would join the group at 10am. It sounds like she was a bit abrupt

Absolutely not being unreasonable and I’m suprised by some of the comments. If you were having a private chat with a different friend who isn’t anything to do with this woman then of course you can tell her to leave. Maybe a more diplomatic choice of words would have softened the blow but you definitely weren’t being unreasonable. It’s hard when a random person is just added to an established group and they don’t gel. Nobody wants to be mean but it changes the dynamic for everyone and it’s not really fair.

What op did is really normal here. If you saw a friend deep in conversation with someone not in your usual meet up group you do not go and sit with them you would smile and wave and sit elsewhere.

To be honest this is the sort of thing I could see myself doing without even realising, the woman is there to meet OP and other friends, so if OP hasn't put on the group chat that she will be there with someone else first and she'll be joining them later, I'd assume in good faith that she was early too and had probably brought someone with her to the meetup. I'd also feel pretty hurt if I had my arse handed to me over sitting with them.. OP should have realised WHY this woman made the mistake she did (which is what it was), and politely told her she was meeting her friend first and she'd catch up with them later.. I'm as sure as I can be that if it was one of the other women that she liked she would have been a lot more understanding of what happened and tehre would have been zero issue.

OP chose to be condescending and abrupt because she doesn't like this woman and wanted to embarrass her in front of her friend.

Not cool.

I would have just said sorry Sarah the group is meeting over there I'll see you over there when I've finished here.
I think saying this is a private conversation is quite rude tbh

Hmmm yeah. As I said, fuck big 'friendship' groups! They very rarely end well!

So she went back and lied to the woman who added her to the group, and this woman then decided to publicly lecture and berate you about bullying, without so much as double checking with you as to what occurred?

Cringing for her.

It sounds like you came across a bit rude. Put it this way, if you really liked the other woman, you would most likely have introduced her to your friend and invited her to join you. I think the key thing here is you just don't like her and because of that, you treated her differently to how you would have treated someone you actually liked.

You didn’t come across as polite or tactful.
You sounded very abrupt and bad mannered.

Would you have spoken to a good friend the same way? I doubt it.

I’m not surprised she’s upset, but she’s way OTT broadcasting it on the group chat imo.

Okay, so if there are 10 of you on a rotating basis and she was only introduced to the group 6-7 months ago then naturally she would have assumed that when she saw someone from the group in the location that you arranged to meet that a couple of others were a little early and attempt to join you. I just think when it’s as fluid as it clearly is and she was introduced by a friend that she would naturally think it was fine to take a seat. I feel sorry for her, she doesn’t know she’s boring and although it’s changed the dynamic, you’re not in charge of who brings who etc. If you had a real problem with her you should have told the friend that introduced her or decided not to be part of the larger meet ups anymore. How embarrassing for her to be sent away like that and she may be annoying (to you) but she hasn’t exactly done anything dreadful or I’ve no doubt someone in a group of 5-10 women would have called her out or mentioned it before this. It’s easy after the fact to say ‘there was food on the table or, I had written in the group chat that I would join them after..’ the fact is she showed up to a pre-arranged meeting of some people, saw a couple of them were already there and she tried to sit down. Your brain wouldn’t necessarily register what was happening because, well, we’re human and she was doing what she thought was happening next, there will be a psychological term for things like this. Is theee only one nice place to get breakfast / coffee in your location? Maybe don’t meet everyone you know within minutes of one another in the same location if you don’t want them seeing you / being friendly / talking to you / hearing your conversations.

I'd pick up the phone to the person who not so subtly called you a bully and explain what happened. you were having breakfast with a friend who isn't in the group. you were discussing personal and private stuff. you explained to the interrupter that this wasn't the coffee but a private conversation. end of.

Put it this way, if you really liked the other woman, you would most likely have introduced her to your friend and invited her to join you. I think the key thing here is you just don't like her and because of that, you treated her differently to how you would have treated someone you actually liked.

Is that a thing now? We have to treat people we don't like the same as people we do like? Where does that end?

Without asking?
Why?
Do you always assume that because you know one person, you’re entitied to join them at any time? Wo having any idea who that person is?

That sounds very rude to me

Put it this way, if you really liked the other woman, you would most likely have introduced her to your friend and invited her to join you. I think the key thing here is you just don't like her and because of that, you treated her differently to how you would have treated someone you actually liked.

Or it could easily be that the friend in question is going through some hard time (let’s say her dh is having an affair, her dc is ill in hospital, whatever) and NO ONE would have been ok to join.

What? If the person was part of a group I regularly meet for coffee there of course it's not rude. Do people all sit separately until the clock strikes 10?

I’d have waved at the 2 having breakfast and sat down somewhere else. If they wanted me to join them, they would say so. I’d not impose

@Ano1n pick up the phone and tell the person accusing you of bullying and explain how the introduction of this person to your group isn’t welcome to most of the group

fuck it, you’ve got nothing to lose. Ask the others if they want a new group

It's hard to know if yabu or not without hearing the tone in which you spoke to the other woman. I do think you could have avoided all this by simply putting a message on the chat prior saying 'btw ladies, I'm meeting a friend in the same place for breakfast at 9 and I'll join you after'. That's what I would have done, making everyone aware in case anyone wondered what you were doing and it would have saved all this drama!

Well because it’s a very large group that changes a bit weekly. She saw a person from the group, that she recognised, at a time VERY close to the meeting time so likely assumed the other woman was part of the larger group.

I think people can’t read between the lines. It would be so fucking weird to not go and approach a person that is part of a group that you have arranged to meet 20 minutes later in the exact same location that they were in 😂