AIBU to ask a friend’s guest not to join private breakfast?

[Ano1n]

Regular meet up on a weekend morning for coffee with a group of female friends - not a formal arrangement and anywhere between 5 - 10 of us.
End of last year one friend brought a former colleague with her - who is an utter boor who inserts, interrupts & talks over any conversation & added her to the group WhatsApp. This has changed the dynamics of the group & people privately message more rather than use the group message.
Yesterday morning I met another friend for breakfast & planned to join them for coffee after. Said person was early & went to plonk herself down when I stopped her by saying it was a private conversation & I would join them later. Cue a load of blustering, marching off & slamming down. Really couldn’t be arsed with it so we settled bill and left.
Last night the intro friend puts a message on the group how we are about women supporting women & bullying won’t be tolerated!!!
Have responded back a few times (not actually sent) as the theme is fluff off but am I in the wrong here? Is asking her to leave bullying or is she rude for plonking herself uninvited?

What would you done if it was one of the original members of the group - sent her away?

just shrug it off. whatsapp groups, private breakfasts, coffee group politics. it all sounds tiresome.

just be nice next time and move on. it's not that deep

Yep, never been in a WA group. DH was in one at work (15 people worked there, and 10 were in it, including DH although he rarely chatted on it, he just looked at the messages now and again...) And whilst it started as a lot of fun and a bit of a novelty, it only took a few weeks before 2 or 3 of them started being bitchy and spiteful about 2 other colleagues (not in the WA group.)

5-6 weeks on, 2 of them in the group of 10 in the WA group (Lee and Julie) were being a bit too friendly with the 2 being bitched about, (Jen and Lou,) not gossipy just being friendly, and suddenly the chat stopped for them on the WhatsApp group, nothing, nada, zilch. Lee and Julie were like 'guys.... anyone there..?'

Radio silence.

Turns out 'Becky' who opened the group some 2 months earlier had started a new group called 'genuine friends' and send an invite to everyone except Lee and Julie... DH had got an invitation and hadn't seen it. The first group was still open but no-one was talking except Lee and Julie. DH joined the new group. (Not realising 2 had been excluded because he was only half paying attention.) He knew after a week or so that Lee and Julie had been phased out. He didn't know why.

Fastforward 3-4 weeks, and the same thing happened, but to DH and another person - Sam. Radio silence, no-one speaking in the second group. Sam noticed first, and asked DH if he was seeing messages. DH said he wasn't.

Anyway, Sam and DH had been pushed out too. Becky had made a third WA group. Sam and DH were not invited. (Sam found out after another colleague told him.) Apparently Queen Bee Becky had got wind of the fact that Sam and DH had been chatting to Jen and Lou, and had been GASP friendly with them! (The 15 people work different shifts so aren't together all the time, but may work together with 2-5 of the others maybe 6 to 12 hours a week.)

DH said 'fuck this shit' and removed himself from the second group (and the first!) Anyway tl'dr, within about 6 months, 3 of the remaining 6 had had the sack, and 2 of the 3 left gave their notice in. So much shit went down at work over that time that I'd be here til dusk explaining it all. But yeah, it went to shit!

As I said fuck big friendship groups and fuck WA groups! 😆

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It sounds more like it's a meeting at the gym, in the club room - the OP went to an earlier class than normal, or usually hangs around waiting for her friends to join her. This week she arranged to meet another friend, not part of the group, to join her for breakfast first to discuss the personal matter then was going on to have coffee when the other friends came out of their class.

I did this for years at my gym! If one of my friends was sitting with someone unknown, I'd acknowledge them (small wave or suchlike) and only join them if I was waved over!

I think it matters a lot how you say to someone ‘sorry but a private conversation I will catch up with everyone in a bit’.
Not just vocally, but body language too.

You should have said to the friend who introduced her to the group you think she isn’t going to fit in well. I wonder why your friend introduced her ?

If you were really clear in telling her to get lost in a manner of speaking she will feel hurt. Most people would. She didn’t realise that you were having a private meet up outside of the ‘group’.

I wonder what your friend made of it all too ? Perhaps introducing her and just carrying on with your chat might have been a better option.

Not particularly private then.
Im sure if this woman had sat at a nearby table she’d have been criticised for eavesdropping.

It’s perfectly easy to explain that she couldn’t talk right now but they would wrap up and she’d join the others in a few minutes.

Or just select a different venue and time for private meetings that require discretion.

You shouldn’t have to sneak about and find different places to avoid someone who can’t understand that they are not entitled to join other people’s meals

Boor is boorish and interrupts two people who are clearly NOT just there for the group as it's 20 minutes before group coffee time. Then boor calls early person a bully because they didn't let boor invade a private conversation. Nothing unexpected here. Next time, have breakfast with your friend at a different cafe because you know boor will be boorish.

If you were all in school, what you did would be considered bullying.

I don't think you were a bully but I'd bet anything that you massively enjoyed putting early friend in her place.

I.think the friend who invited Boorish One into the group needs a stern talking to

She invited this person into the group without asking the rest of the group's permission. That was high-handed. She is now accusing you of being a bully for refusing to invite Boorish One to join your private chat. My private respobse to Inviting Friend would be - you imposed your friend and the group ( and the group.is not happy about it) but you don't get to tell me I've got to put up with her muscling in on a private convo.

Just make sure you've briefed others in the group what's happening, and expect the group to fall apart or start excluding you.

But the point is OP is allowed to have a separate breakfast with someone else.

Fair enough the person may have assumed it was the coffee meet up group, but when she was politely told that it's not, she should have just accepted it gracefully and asked the cafe staff if there was a reserved table for coffee meet up group.

Are we seriously saying that grown women shouldn't be expected to act like grown women anymore and can tantrum and stamp their feet?

Well the Op flounced off and didn't meet the others for coffee, so she's as bad for having a tantrum.

Does abruptly mean politely?

That was incredibly rude. How humiliating for her. Highschool vibes.

Hmm, You admit you were abrupt, and that's rude in itself. You clearly don't like this woman who was early and maybe thought you had invited this friend along as well.
You also refer to her as the boor. I am inclined to think you were abrupt and embarrased her. To be honest you sound unpleasant.

She's clueless or full of her own self importance.

She shouldn't have assumed she could be included in your breakfast meeting, especially as your breakfast friend isn't even part of the coffee group. She could have waved hello then gone to another table to wait for the other group.

She's an issue that needs addressing. When she interrupts conversations, you all need to ask her to wait a moment.

That may be the case, but then why organise this conversation in a public place other people you know are coming to.

Either the OP really was having a 'private conversation' that meant her being a bit sharp was understandable, but she chose a bad location to do it in.

Or, she is being a bit petty not being able to be polite to this woman in public who she was due to meet up with in 20 minutes time.

New friend was rude. It's ok to ask if you can join (not sit down and assume you can), it's also fine to say what you did in reply. It's not bullying either.

Even if the new friend was in fact meeting the OP in a group for coffee? and was just a bit early.

Yup, the meet up is for coffee. It's not a breakfast meet up and it wasn't time for the meeting up.

But if I met up with friends at 10 a.m., at least some of the group would have something to eat because they hadn’t had time for breakfast. Just because you meet for ‘coffee’, which is usually just a euphemism for meeting up, it doesn’t mean your menu choice is restricted to coffee!

Exactly. The breakfast is neither here nor there. If one of the group was eating a full English I wouldn't assume they weren't part of the coffee group and go and sit elsewhere.

The idea that out of a group of 10 people nobody orders any food seems a bit unlikely.

I genuinely don’t mean this to sound unkind but - everyone involved in this sounds like a massive drama llama. I think everyone, including you OP, needs to take a breath and back away from this fight because no one is fully in the wrong, everyone has been a little bit thoughtless and so no one is going to get the outcome where they are told they were in the right.