“Hurry up” just before sex

[Uglymug2]

I’ve been feeling disgusting recently, I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been slim but recently I’ve been feeling wobbly and just not attractive at all. I’ve voiced this to my DH (of 4 years) who’s told me I’ve not put on weight or anything.

Sex has been a big part of our relationship but I feel like it’s dwindling. We used to have sex daily but now it’s about twice a week, which is fine. I’d like more but don’t want to pressure him.

DH has an addiction to weed and constantly needs it to function. He will smoke at night and spend hours in the garden doing so.

Anyway tonight when we were cuddling on the couch I started kissing him and touching his clothes. He said “hurry up then I need to go to the shop” (I’m not stupid, the “shop” is outside for a spliff or 3). he took his clothes off and just kind of sat there. I said I didn’t feel in the mood now.

he’s in the garden smoking and I’m just sitting here feeling like an idiot. I’m only 30 but feel so undesirable and like I’m throwing myself at my own husband.

husband said I’m overreacting - am I ? Would anyone else be upset with this comment?

Your DH essentially turned down sex so he could smoke weed? I'd be fuming! Nice to know where his priorities lie. Leave. It won't get better.

He’s the one who is undesirable, not you. Doesn’t he stink (and your house and garden?). Weed is really foul smelling nowadays, much stronger than year’s ago. Personally I couldn’t live with him.

Yes, madness isn’t it. I feel I’ve just timeslipped a couple of hundred years.

That was really insensitive of your husband. I suppose a drug addiction might make someone less sensitive/aware? Lots of men would be delighted to have a wife who is this interested.

Thiis sounds like a manifestation of the deeper problem, ie the weed addiction. Will he be able to kick that before you have kids, if that is planned? My husband kicked normal smoking. When you have kids it is a ton of work and it has to be a team effort. Someone not pulling their weight because they’re on drugs will very quickly become a problem and it is surely harmful to be exuding weed vapours around a baby like it is with tobacco,

Also I would check any links between weed and ED!!! You might have that delight to come…

Your husband has an addiction and his priority will always be the weed. So yes, when you're pregnant, he'll be in the garden for hours on end smoking or when you're trying to settle a newborn, he'll be in the garden smoking. Weed has overtaken his life, as addictions do.

Of course he's told you he'll stop, but he won't. He'll hide the smoking or make excuses so he can go somewhere to smoke. To stop, he needs proper drug addiction support. Your husband hasn't admitted to himself he has a drug addiction, and until he does, and accepts he needs help, then unfortunately nothing will change.

My husband's cousin started off with weed, he went onto harder drugs and alcohol. Been into rehab more times than I've had hot dinners. He's OK for a while, and then slips back into his old ways. He started on the weed in his teens, now in his early 40's and has zero to show for his life.

End the marriage lovely. Your life won't get any better, it will only become worse. You can't fix your husband. He needs to seek professional support to overcome his addiction and help himself. You deserve better.

Mine chose weed over our toddler, marriage and I.
Leave before you have any kids.
Life's too short.
If I were 30 again I'd like someone to have said this to me.
X

Ahhh it’s so tough. Good luck to you. You absolutely would need him to stop before you were pregnant / have children anyway. Good luck to you in your journey ❤️‍🩹

Typical gaslighting.

Stay strong and do what is right for you 💐

I would be really upset too, and my self-esteem would be at an all-time low. Your partner is meant to make you feel good and there will be someone out there for you. You could also change your username to something more vivacious and confident.

I always wonder, will he be having his 3+ hours in the garden when I’m pregnant? When I’m getting the kids to bed? Will he need to rush home from their sports day to have a spliff?
Yes, yes and yes.

Addicts never stop being addicts. They can stop taking their drug of choice but that is being in recovery rather than being an ex addict because the effort they have to put in to abstaining never ends and many (if not most) relapse. If you stay with him and even worse, go on to have children with him, you will have to be prepared for him to start smoking again. And if he is using weed as a way to relax the stresses of family life will send him hot foot to his dealer before you've even had a baby.

He won't stop.

Or he will, just for long enough for you to trust him and get pregnant.

Then he'll start again.

And in five years' time you'll be back here, toddler in tow, trying to divorce your weed-addicted husband and wondering how to keep your child safe.

De everyone a favour and leave him now. Don't bring a child into this shitshow.

I was with someone who smoked it, I hated it. He was always saying he’d quit. We went away to get married (I was also pregnant), he said that two weeks without it would be enough to quit - we detoured to dealer on way home from airport. The goalpost kept moving - then kids came along. He’d disappear off for a smoke and enough was enough, he was never going to quit and I left before kids were old enough to notice. He’d occasionally tell me he’d quit but then I’d catch him sneaking off once I’d gone to bed!!!! Get out now.

Put it better than I could.

My postie stops by for a coffee and a chat now and again. She and her DH are in a renter, want to buy but can't ever get enough of a deposit together.

In a separate conversation, she told me how much she and her DH spend on weed each week and I nearly fell off my chair. It's a mortgage payment easily. They have kids too.

It's mad. She's driving the post van under the influence as she smokes it every day.

People that smoke it think it is bringing something to their lives but they just can't see the opposite is true.

Your problem is not your sex life (twice a week at 30 sounds fine to me!) it's your weed-addled husband. I couldn't live with someone who smoked regularly - doesn't he (and your house) absolutely reek of it, all the time? It's such a horrible smell to get out of your nose, and you're probably getting passive smoking effects by being in close proximity to someone who constantly smokes.

I mean, does he realise he's actually damaging his cognitive functions? That he's at heightened risk of severe mental health issues and even psychosis? That any kids you have will likely have adverse educational outcomes just by virtue of having a parent who's addicted to illegal drugs?

I absolutely loathe the way weed has become normalised in our society. You can't walk down the road in our ('naice') small market town without whiffing it somewhere. It's obviously a given if you go anywhere larger. My NDN smokes as part of his evening relaxation several times a week so we can't have doors and windows open if the wind's blowing in the wrong direction as the smell fills the house. It's NOT harmless, it's a serious problem.

Just ditch him now, before you have kids and it gets harder to get out. He clearly thinks more of his stupid fix than of you, so that's his loss.