“Hurry up” just before sex

[Uglymug2]

I’ve been feeling disgusting recently, I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been slim but recently I’ve been feeling wobbly and just not attractive at all. I’ve voiced this to my DH (of 4 years) who’s told me I’ve not put on weight or anything.

Sex has been a big part of our relationship but I feel like it’s dwindling. We used to have sex daily but now it’s about twice a week, which is fine. I’d like more but don’t want to pressure him.

DH has an addiction to weed and constantly needs it to function. He will smoke at night and spend hours in the garden doing so.

Anyway tonight when we were cuddling on the couch I started kissing him and touching his clothes. He said “hurry up then I need to go to the shop” (I’m not stupid, the “shop” is outside for a spliff or 3). he took his clothes off and just kind of sat there. I said I didn’t feel in the mood now.

he’s in the garden smoking and I’m just sitting here feeling like an idiot. I’m only 30 but feel so undesirable and like I’m throwing myself at my own husband.

husband said I’m overreacting - am I ? Would anyone else be upset with this comment?

Your DH essentially turned down sex so he could smoke weed? I'd be fuming! Nice to know where his priorities lie. Leave. It won't get better.

He’s the one who is undesirable, not you. Doesn’t he stink (and your house and garden?). Weed is really foul smelling nowadays, much stronger than year’s ago. Personally I couldn’t live with him.

Yes, madness isn’t it. I feel I’ve just timeslipped a couple of hundred years.

That was really insensitive of your husband. I suppose a drug addiction might make someone less sensitive/aware? Lots of men would be delighted to have a wife who is this interested.

Thiis sounds like a manifestation of the deeper problem, ie the weed addiction. Will he be able to kick that before you have kids, if that is planned? My husband kicked normal smoking. When you have kids it is a ton of work and it has to be a team effort. Someone not pulling their weight because they’re on drugs will very quickly become a problem and it is surely harmful to be exuding weed vapours around a baby like it is with tobacco,

Also I would check any links between weed and ED!!! You might have that delight to come…

Your husband has an addiction and his priority will always be the weed. So yes, when you're pregnant, he'll be in the garden for hours on end smoking or when you're trying to settle a newborn, he'll be in the garden smoking. Weed has overtaken his life, as addictions do.

Of course he's told you he'll stop, but he won't. He'll hide the smoking or make excuses so he can go somewhere to smoke. To stop, he needs proper drug addiction support. Your husband hasn't admitted to himself he has a drug addiction, and until he does, and accepts he needs help, then unfortunately nothing will change.

My husband's cousin started off with weed, he went onto harder drugs and alcohol. Been into rehab more times than I've had hot dinners. He's OK for a while, and then slips back into his old ways. He started on the weed in his teens, now in his early 40's and has zero to show for his life.

End the marriage lovely. Your life won't get any better, it will only become worse. You can't fix your husband. He needs to seek professional support to overcome his addiction and help himself. You deserve better.

Mine chose weed over our toddler, marriage and I.
Leave before you have any kids.
Life's too short.
If I were 30 again I'd like someone to have said this to me.
X

Ahhh it’s so tough. Good luck to you. You absolutely would need him to stop before you were pregnant / have children anyway. Good luck to you in your journey ❤️‍🩹

Typical gaslighting.

Stay strong and do what is right for you 💐

I would be really upset too, and my self-esteem would be at an all-time low. Your partner is meant to make you feel good and there will be someone out there for you. You could also change your username to something more vivacious and confident.

I always wonder, will he be having his 3+ hours in the garden when I’m pregnant? When I’m getting the kids to bed? Will he need to rush home from their sports day to have a spliff?
Yes, yes and yes.

Addicts never stop being addicts. They can stop taking their drug of choice but that is being in recovery rather than being an ex addict because the effort they have to put in to abstaining never ends and many (if not most) relapse. If you stay with him and even worse, go on to have children with him, you will have to be prepared for him to start smoking again. And if he is using weed as a way to relax the stresses of family life will send him hot foot to his dealer before you've even had a baby.

He won't stop.

Or he will, just for long enough for you to trust him and get pregnant.

Then he'll start again.

And in five years' time you'll be back here, toddler in tow, trying to divorce your weed-addicted husband and wondering how to keep your child safe.

De everyone a favour and leave him now. Don't bring a child into this shitshow.

I was with someone who smoked it, I hated it. He was always saying he’d quit. We went away to get married (I was also pregnant), he said that two weeks without it would be enough to quit - we detoured to dealer on way home from airport. The goalpost kept moving - then kids came along. He’d disappear off for a smoke and enough was enough, he was never going to quit and I left before kids were old enough to notice. He’d occasionally tell me he’d quit but then I’d catch him sneaking off once I’d gone to bed!!!! Get out now.

Put it better than I could.

My postie stops by for a coffee and a chat now and again. She and her DH are in a renter, want to buy but can't ever get enough of a deposit together.

In a separate conversation, she told me how much she and her DH spend on weed each week and I nearly fell off my chair. It's a mortgage payment easily. They have kids too.

It's mad. She's driving the post van under the influence as she smokes it every day.

People that smoke it think it is bringing something to their lives but they just can't see the opposite is true.

Your problem is not your sex life (twice a week at 30 sounds fine to me!) it's your weed-addled husband. I couldn't live with someone who smoked regularly - doesn't he (and your house) absolutely reek of it, all the time? It's such a horrible smell to get out of your nose, and you're probably getting passive smoking effects by being in close proximity to someone who constantly smokes.

I mean, does he realise he's actually damaging his cognitive functions? That he's at heightened risk of severe mental health issues and even psychosis? That any kids you have will likely have adverse educational outcomes just by virtue of having a parent who's addicted to illegal drugs?

I absolutely loathe the way weed has become normalised in our society. You can't walk down the road in our ('naice') small market town without whiffing it somewhere. It's obviously a given if you go anywhere larger. My NDN smokes as part of his evening relaxation several times a week so we can't have doors and windows open if the wind's blowing in the wrong direction as the smell fills the house. It's NOT harmless, it's a serious problem.

Just ditch him now, before you have kids and it gets harder to get out. He clearly thinks more of his stupid fix than of you, so that's his loss.

Your OH gets more pleasure from smoking weed than he does making love to you………is that really a relationship you want to remain in?

I agree

I couldn't be married to someone with a drug addiction. This sounds awful. Not to me tin that heavy, ongoing weed use is associated with all sorts of mental.health problems. You don't mention if you want children, but please don't consider bringing a child into this. Children deserve loving, engaged, sober parents. You deserve better too tbh. I hold marriage in very high regard, but in these circumstances I would endeavour to get him to quit or I would end the marriage if he couldn't/wouldn't.

I want to say that marijuana isn't that addictive. That's not to say that someone can't become very unhealthily dependent on it. My point is that for someone who is even mildly motivated, it's very easy to quit, any tobacco in his joints is probably more difficult to stop. He has no motivation because there are no consequences for his use. A practical approach to stopping is to switch to a vape, no tobacco, no combustion so less tar, and about a tenth of the cannabis with each use. It will redefine what is normal for him, and is realistic stepping stone to stopping. I was a smoker, then a grower, it was my whole life. For me, becoming a father was a light switch moment, where everything changed, and it's been fifteen years now since I smoked or drank. I don't like the label addict for cannabis use, because it becomes an excuse for not stopping. It becomes a long drawn out path of recovery, where really it just takes a little discapline and a redefinition of your values.

really it just takes a little discapline and a redefinition of your values.

For you it did.

While it's not the most addictive substance out there, it is absolutely is possible to become addicted, and to have fairly substantial physical withdrawal symptoms for several weeks, depending on the level of use and take several cracks at stopping for good, with professional help. Depending on the person. Yours is one experience.

Agree that if you're not ready it's no chance of happening.

It it's pure weed , there is nothing in it addictive. Its more a psychological dependency which can be just as hard to break.

I have said he has to the end of today to get rid of all the weed from the garden, all the papers etc and to completely stop.

Tbh, I don’t think I can move past last night. I never shout, ever. I’ve never raised my voice at him. This morning I lost it completely, I kept saying I have no respect for him, and he clearly has none for him. I said I wasn’t happy and I don’t want this life, he seemed shocked about that?

the story’s changed again, he said “hurry up” because he “really wanted to have sex” 🙄 and had been waiting all day. Idiot. At no point did he show any affection or interest in me.

Fairly substantial physical symptoms for a few weeks, doesn't seem like a life changing sacrifice to save your marriage does it? I know many people who have just stopped smoking cannabis because their time came, they wanted to, and it's an admirable achievement. The OP needs to threaten to leave, because without that ultimatum, where's the motivation to stop? You are absolutely right, it's just my experience, but beneath the talk of addicts and rehab, I just see an unmotivated man who can't be bothered to make stopping him own thing. I can tell you the active addictive chemical in cigs, and booze, and heroin, but not cannabis. He just really likes being stoned, it beats reality. And what does he currently have to lose?

I have zero faith he’ll stop. At this point I don’t even see the need to wait and see if he can do it. I really really can’t stand being near him right now

I think you already know, don't you. You're still young, no kids, don't settle for this loser. If you don't act now, this will be the moment you look back on and kick yourself and reproach yourself for in the future and for the rest of your life. Don't endure this just because you have a piece of paper saying you are married. Don't worry about what others may say, put yourself first.