“Hurry up” just before sex

[Uglymug2]

I’ve been feeling disgusting recently, I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been slim but recently I’ve been feeling wobbly and just not attractive at all. I’ve voiced this to my DH (of 4 years) who’s told me I’ve not put on weight or anything.

Sex has been a big part of our relationship but I feel like it’s dwindling. We used to have sex daily but now it’s about twice a week, which is fine. I’d like more but don’t want to pressure him.

DH has an addiction to weed and constantly needs it to function. He will smoke at night and spend hours in the garden doing so.

Anyway tonight when we were cuddling on the couch I started kissing him and touching his clothes. He said “hurry up then I need to go to the shop” (I’m not stupid, the “shop” is outside for a spliff or 3). he took his clothes off and just kind of sat there. I said I didn’t feel in the mood now.

he’s in the garden smoking and I’m just sitting here feeling like an idiot. I’m only 30 but feel so undesirable and like I’m throwing myself at my own husband.

husband said I’m overreacting - am I ? Would anyone else be upset with this comment?

Yes, he needs help. His addiction is affecting his life, his sex life and his marriage.

There is also the fact that smoking weed causes early onset Alzheimer's Disease around the age of 40. It causes depression.

Nothing at all good can come from smoking weed. In some respects it's worse than alcohol. I'd tell him to stop and get help for his addiction by going to some Anonymous group or your marriage is over. You're only 30. I'd expect the 'hurry up' comment (ok, not really) from someone in their 60s' and 70's.

He may go back to hiding it to keep you but he’ll likely do it more openly again once he feels he’s reeled you back in. Clean break is best for you - and could be best for him
in the long run as he learns the true consequences of his habit.

in the meantime you have the chance of a more fulfilling life, the one you deserve.

You’ve chosen a grubby loser baghead and wonder why you and your needs aren’t top of his priority list. This is one of those cases where it’s the whole man that’s the problem, not the one comment.

My views on drugs are quite different to those of Mumsnet generally, and I used to like a spliff every now and again although since I became a mum it’s on about an annual basis right now and never around my child, ever.

However, this sounds like an addiction. The frequency and volume of use is not encouraging. I would be issuing an ultimatum or frankly just leaving him, depending on how much faith you have in him being able to kick the habit. A lot of guys I grew up with struggled with weed - I think men have a tendency to bury their feelings in getting stoned, especially as teens - and almost all of them don’t smoke at all now, have families and normal lives. What’s worrying is that you say this has just started - normally it’s something you grow out of, not start doing in your 30s.

What’s he burying under all the smoking? Would counselling help?

The thing about being with a stoner is that they are always checked out. It’s horrifically lonely, and that’s before you have children. I’ve seen at least one marriage end over this. I’d be seriously considering my choices. If you want children, you need someone who is going to be present (I say this as someone married to an ex-stoner who is an amazing co-parent. He had stopped smoking regularly by his mid-20s though and would never go back).

The other thing is that weed is so much stronger now than it was when we were teens, and the implications are therefore more serious.

The weed is a red herring, your sense of worth can't be based on how often you have sex as this is relying on another person to make you feel safe when you have to feel this without sex and / or whilst you are single. Having sex every day is not sustainable as you get older. I suggest you get counselling about this.

I think its more important to feel OK when single.

@Uglymug2 noone can compete with an addiction. You're not the weird one here.

This man is a millstone around your neck, OP. Time to go.

That sounds really horrible. Poor you.

You're married to a drug addict he will always choose his addiction over you. You need to choose you.

End the relationship and get on with your life. It really is that simple unless of course you want to spend the rest of your life living like this with him prioritising his addiction to weed. Do your neighbours complain about the smell of weed or do they smoke it too! It stinks!
https://www.psychiatrypodcast.com/psychiatry-psychotherapy-podcast/episode-246-cannabis-and-depression-anxiety-ptsd-sleep-and-cognitive-function-update-and-review

YANBU and the "hurry up" thing and him just taking off his clothes and sitting there waiting for me to do everything would kill my mood as well instantly, no matter if he'sa smoker or not! I get it, no one can be in the mood all the time and it's fine for the sex life to kinda dry down after 4 years but him acting like he's doing you a favor at the same time asking you to do it quicker so that his plans wouldn't be bothered... Idk, that's super unattractive and would be no matter what his addictions are.

I think he should have appologized and not dismissed the offense with "it was a joke". Even if it was a bad joke, it misfired and upset you.

But worse than that, it reflects his priorities.

Good that you don't have kids and good that you're self-supporting, go, fly, live a better life than this.

You are focused on the wrong thing here. Feeling rejected by an absolute waster of a man, come on.

You need to reframe this and consider how utterly vile and unattractive he is because that’s the real issue.

Wow. Go back and read the OP properly, then re-read what you have written and see if you’d like to apologise.

Stay strong OP - he will make promises he can't keep.
Would you trust him in sole charge of a child? Trust that he's never under the influence when driving?
Want weed in the house/car/garage/shed (he's got to keep it somwhere) where children might find it?
Want your kids' stuff smelling of weed when they go to school?
Want neighbours complaining about the smell, or ringing Children's Services?
Choose better for yourself.

You are young OP. This sounds awful. I think being in a relationship with an addict is a very hard life and bringing kids into it would be awful. I think you need to get some counselling and build your self worth. Work out what is healthy in relationships and what kind of relationship you want. Of course it’s ok for him to not want sex, but that sounds like an awful way for him to express it and shows no kindness. His addiction is the third person in this marriage and you’ll always come second unless he works on himself.

This

Please be kind to yourself OP and change your user name. Your self esteem is in the gutter and I think now is the time to raise yourself up. Well done for realising no good will come from your current situation. I wish you all the luck in the world 💐

Good for you OP. Leave him. Especially as you want kids. I remember hearing a woman speak who was raised by her single mom who was a drug addict, and was neglected by her. As an adult she said to her Mother, ‘ did you ever love me?’. ‘Oh yes’ replied her mother, ‘I loved you sooo much. I just loved the drugs more’.

And that’s it. Addicts are inherently selfish. Nothing matters more to them than the drugs.

Don’t give him another chance. Leave. If he ever sobers up and you are still single, he can track you down and if you want you can try again. But don’t waste another second of your life waiting to see if a drug habit ever kicks the habit. He has a serious habit and it will be very hard for him to break. I wouldn’t for one second trust that easily given ‘promise’.

Nevermind the weed, the sex, whatever is going on and when it started, he said she said.

Do you find this man truly attractive? Is he good enough for you? Do your lifestyles align? Do you want to spend a good chunk of the rest of your life with him? Do you want kids, and if so is he capable of being a good father and partner through this, be honest.

I think I know what the answers are. You do too.

He's not the only man to walk the planet. End it. Work out why you stayed for so long, so you don't repeat the mistake. Move on and live your life.

Grim and Loser seem to sum him up.
Life with him will not be fun because he won't want to change.
Disconnect is my advice.

1. it‘s completely normal to have a lot more sex in the first couple of years of a relationship
2. the real problem in your relationship is the weed addiction