“Hurry up” just before sex

[Uglymug2]

I’ve been feeling disgusting recently, I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been slim but recently I’ve been feeling wobbly and just not attractive at all. I’ve voiced this to my DH (of 4 years) who’s told me I’ve not put on weight or anything.

Sex has been a big part of our relationship but I feel like it’s dwindling. We used to have sex daily but now it’s about twice a week, which is fine. I’d like more but don’t want to pressure him.

DH has an addiction to weed and constantly needs it to function. He will smoke at night and spend hours in the garden doing so.

Anyway tonight when we were cuddling on the couch I started kissing him and touching his clothes. He said “hurry up then I need to go to the shop” (I’m not stupid, the “shop” is outside for a spliff or 3). he took his clothes off and just kind of sat there. I said I didn’t feel in the mood now.

he’s in the garden smoking and I’m just sitting here feeling like an idiot. I’m only 30 but feel so undesirable and like I’m throwing myself at my own husband.

husband said I’m overreacting - am I ? Would anyone else be upset with this comment?

Oh yes, I've known people like this, they can just about function while they're working.

But when they lose their jobs (because of the habit or otherwise) they really hit the skids, the habit becomes 24/7 and almost impossible to break away from.

I'm glad you got out.

How can you put up with the weed smoking OP, its grim and stinks. What do your neighbours think of "hours" in the garden smoking it, must be awful if anyone is nearby with windows open in the heat.

You surely don't want to even consider family planning with someone who obviously can't control their use of drugs, imagine this with children in the home, it just doesn't work, how could that possibly be acceptable?

You are young and can support yourself and both are a gift, don't stay with this man. He is not the person he used to be or perhaps is not who you imagined he was, maybe both. Of course that feels upsetting to come to terms with and very sad, but there is so much better out there.

Note that you have made your feelings clear and he has acknowledged that he knows carrying on is crossing a line for you and has said he'll stop. Here's betting he still goes out to the garden within the next 24 hours to carry on smoking. Focus on yourself OP, you won't get what you need from him unfortunately so there's no point trying.

@Uglymug2
you are living with an addict

is this the life you want? I wouldn’t want this at all.

Eurgh, fuck that. Weed smoking… gross.

He definitely doesn't sound like he's into you, or even respects you. I would let this relationship go. He'll likely desperately try to get you to stay, but he will revert back to what you see now once you relent and then, when you are pregnant, you'll see him slide back, but likely worse, and you will be in a very much worse situation for years, if not decades.

This is a weed problem not a you problem.

He is an addict. He would rather smoke weed than have sex with you. Presumably his drug taking affects other areas of your life together. I think you can do better. Certainly, if you want children he hardly seems good father material given that he spends hours smoking weed in the garden every day. I don't think his behaviour is anything to do with your attractiveness - you're only 30. If it worries you, join a gym and eat healthy food but I think your attractiveness level will increase if you leave him - you won't smell like weed for a start.

Don't put up with that.

I thought "that was lovely thanks" was bad enough and made me get my ducks in a row even though we wernt married. But "hurry up" would certainly be the final straw. You deserve so much better than this crap.

He sounds like a loser. Smoking a spliff whilst his 4yo is in bed upstairs? Yuck

I would be upset at the comment yes. But.....
I think that is really the least of your worries. You seem to be more focused on the 'hurry up' than by his obvious addiction. You also seem to be minimising that. How undesirable is a partner who spends his evening in the garden smoking weed. I couldn't even imagine myself wanting to have sex with that person.. Honestly, in this situation you do not sound like the undesirable one..

You are only 30 and doubtng yourself bcos of his addiction. Is this what you want for your future ?

I have absolutely no problem with smoking weed, unlike the rest of MN, I live in a place where it’s as normal as having a glass of wine or whatever. However, I don’t think his behaviour has anything to do with smoking and everything to do with being a walking ick.

The thought you had about rushing home from sports day for a spliff is very real though, that could be your future if you stay with him.

This. How disgusting this man is. I'm surprised you want sex with someone who needs to smoke weed on a regular basis. Perhaps you need to work on your self-esteem?

Oh, I just saw your last post, and I can see you're ready to leave him. Kudos to you. It's great that you are aware that the situation would only get worse if you had children. Please leave, and until you're out the door, use contraception!

He shouldn't be telling you hurry up kuz he is supposed show interest in you, maybe you should tell him you want to go on holiday abroad and see if he's willing to spend some quality time with you, I reckon he will refuse because you are not important to him, and you will always feel that sadness, you need that spark, there's other men who would do more with you, be strict and find the man who truly makes you smile.

Every child deserves better as a father and you wouldn’t be a good mum if you chose this person for them to be stuck with as a father.

Just leave. He is a loser.

He's a druggie

Raise your bar op.

He’s an addict. I don’t think it will get better unless he is willing and able to quit. I wouldn’t take his comment personally, it’s totally a him problem.

Gross. What a loser.

Yes, he will have to do all of that stuff because it's addictive and he has no control. It ruins lives.

I dumped a wonderful man because I was second fiddle to the effin weed. He's dead now. He ruined his life with the stuff and even when it made him mentally and physically ill, he believed it would make him better and doubled down.

He used to stink too. He earned great money but it all went on weed. He got the sack because he was off his cake at work. I noped out after I saw the state of him having been up all night smoking it with his mates. I wanted more for myself and you should too.

He was perfect for me in every other respect.

You deserve better than a man who smokes weed, OP.

Even without the hurtful comment, choosing to sit outside getting stoned for three hours every night is neglectful of your relationship. If that’s the life he wants he can live it alone.

Forget about your sex life, you both need to address the fact that your husband is a drug addict.

I agree with pp saying would you pick him now?

I'd be off.

Apart from being a desperately awful mindset in general, that approach iof staying with a wrong guy stops a person from meeting better ones. If you’re curled up on the couch with a loser you’re obviously missing opportunities to meet potential gems.

The weed needs dealing with. Why are you with someone who has a substance addiction…

i don’t know how you haven’t got the ick!!!!
I would… imo he’s lucky to get any or even not be single at that age!!