“Hurry up” just before sex

[Uglymug2]

I’ve been feeling disgusting recently, I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been slim but recently I’ve been feeling wobbly and just not attractive at all. I’ve voiced this to my DH (of 4 years) who’s told me I’ve not put on weight or anything.

Sex has been a big part of our relationship but I feel like it’s dwindling. We used to have sex daily but now it’s about twice a week, which is fine. I’d like more but don’t want to pressure him.

DH has an addiction to weed and constantly needs it to function. He will smoke at night and spend hours in the garden doing so.

Anyway tonight when we were cuddling on the couch I started kissing him and touching his clothes. He said “hurry up then I need to go to the shop” (I’m not stupid, the “shop” is outside for a spliff or 3). he took his clothes off and just kind of sat there. I said I didn’t feel in the mood now.

he’s in the garden smoking and I’m just sitting here feeling like an idiot. I’m only 30 but feel so undesirable and like I’m throwing myself at my own husband.

husband said I’m overreacting - am I ? Would anyone else be upset with this comment?

Yeah thats a "get it over with and pull my nightie down afterwards" comment.

I think your marriage is done.

He probably did hide it. You don’t develop that level of weed dependency in less than 4 years.

He might have cut back and then increased but he definitely has a longer history with this lifestyle than you knew.

You can do better than this!

Clearly zero to do with your weight or desirability and everything to do with the weed. Why do you put up with what sounds like a waste of a life with him out in the garden half the night every night smoking weed and prioritising that above time (whether for sex or not) with you or doing anything productive instead?!

How unattractive. Why exactly do you want to have sex with this man?

I dont think so, that stuff fucking STINKS. I can smell it from 4 houses down with the window closed (single glazing), there is no way you can hide that. We get customers at work and they fucking honk with it.

I was a heavy weed smoker in my teens/twenties. Hid it from my then boyfriend the whole two years we were together. He was an athlete and never would’ve dated me. Stupid I did it in hindsight but he never found out. @PyongyangKipperbang

You are on a hiding to nothing with a stoner OP. Get yourself out of this relationship whilst you are still young and without children.

Oh @Uglymug2 this isn't anything to do with you. If my DH told me to "hurry up" like I was some sort of inconvenience, I'd be absolutely mortified and it would put me off too. What was his tone like? Was he saying it jokingly, or teasingly? Or was he deadly serious? I think that matters.

I do agree in general that his weed smoking habits are unattractive, and he sounds like you could do a lot better. but I guess that wasn't your question.

Essentially he's saying his need to smoke is more important or pressing to him than you (and your feelings too, if he's willing to say that to you).

OP it's not you. Xx His addiction has now become all consuming and is now ruining both your lives. You really need to either get him to engage with some drug abuse intervention services like DAA or consider leaving. Please do not consider having kids with him in this state. Sorry you're going through this. Xx

@Uglymug2 massive hugs. That’s awful
and I can’t imagine how fast I would mentally and physically recoil at a comment like that.

I’d feel like I was a boring chore to be ticked off his chore list before he can go and do something he’d rather be doing. Smoking weed.

Sex is how I feel affection and desire for my partner. How I feel loved. And to have it reduced to something so perfunctory. Nope.

My ex told me he occasionally smoked weed. The occasionally became hot knives and bongs on his work lunch break that he’d come home for (this is nearly 30 years ago). His habit never dwindled. My love for him did.

this is who he really is. Do you want a lifetime of this?

is he working? Do you have interest or anything together outside of the house? If you weren’t with him in what ways would life be better? What things could you be doing?

imagine that you are ready to retire. He doesn’t work anymore. He smokes weed more often and it’s always inside as he can’t be arsed going out anymore. You don’t like bringing friends and family round anymore.

Which life do you want?

is he capable of change and giving up the weed for you?

Does he make you feel loved, valued and appreciated the majority of the time? Or do you feel more like house mates and you are going through the motions of what adults are ‘meant’ to do under the same roof.

it’s easy to say leave. I know. But if change isn’t possible or the switch has been flicked for you (The Ick is seldom reversible) - it’s time to start making plans.

again - good luck.

Didn’t want to read and run but please know that you are worth more and loved more than this ❤️🙏❤️

I guarantee it is nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with his addiction.

I was married to a complete loser who eventually never initiated and made me feel totally unattractive because he would rather play computer games all night than so much as look at me. I thank god every day I dumped him at 29, at 32 I got remarried to an amazing man who four years on makes me feel desirable even post two babies.

I really do know it’s hard. It’s not like you will dump him tonight. But you do deserve better, and being young and child-free, it’s totally realistic for you to improve your life. I’d really recommend counselling to help you process it all x

The weirdo is the drug user you’re with, not you. Drugs are a total ‘no’ in my book.

Don’t waste one more second on worrying about what you might or might not have done. The problem is him.

My exh was a weed smoker. Literally every morning, lunchtime and evening. Use got heavier as the years went on and eventually he had no motivation or ambition for anything. His mental health also got worse. Although am unsure if he always had a problem and smoked weed as it made him feel better, or the weed made it worse. Or both. Also later found out that he used coke too, prior to heavy weed use.
Eventually our marriage ended as his behaviour became unacceptable and I was scared of him. Six years on he still lives with his mother and no longer has his business. No motivation to move out or work at his business. Not stopped smoking weed.

Agree with this.

I feel sorry for your neighbours having to smell his weed in this heat. Aren't you embarassed?

You’re pathetic to be with someone who wastes his money on weed. Get a life!

He took off his clothes and sat there naked.

Either he deals with his drug addiction or end the relationship. Definitely don't have children with him. Do you really want to live with someone that us constantly involved in criminal behaviour?

I would never want sex with him again after a comment like that. But as others have said, you seem to be missing the point. The comment itself is not the main issue. The problem is that your husband is an addict.

I’d leave. You don’t have kids, you weren’t put on this earth to save this man, and he’s a drug addict. If you think there’s not enough sex now, wait till his usage increases more (it has clearly been increasing) and he has trouble getting it up.

Sorry but his weed addiction is bigger than his desire for you..thst's the problem with substance misuse it takes over

His addiction is clearly more important to him than you are.

This, sadly.

Literally a verbatim conversation I had with him about 10 minutes ago:

me: that comment was hurtful. You have a problem with weed. If you want to carry on smoking like this, you can do it as a single man, I don’t want to live like this

him: it was a joke.

me: what was the point of the joke?

him: I didn’t think

me: you have an addiction and I can’t stay married to you if you don’t address it

him: it’s not an addiction. But I’ll stop if you want me to

me: I don’t think you will.

him: okay. It was a joke. I’ll stop. I wanted sex but you took the joke the wrong way.

literally fighting back tears and trying to just make it to bed time. Embarrassed and pathetic