“Hurry up” just before sex

[Uglymug2]

I’ve been feeling disgusting recently, I don’t know what it is. I’ve always been slim but recently I’ve been feeling wobbly and just not attractive at all. I’ve voiced this to my DH (of 4 years) who’s told me I’ve not put on weight or anything.

Sex has been a big part of our relationship but I feel like it’s dwindling. We used to have sex daily but now it’s about twice a week, which is fine. I’d like more but don’t want to pressure him.

DH has an addiction to weed and constantly needs it to function. He will smoke at night and spend hours in the garden doing so.

Anyway tonight when we were cuddling on the couch I started kissing him and touching his clothes. He said “hurry up then I need to go to the shop” (I’m not stupid, the “shop” is outside for a spliff or 3). he took his clothes off and just kind of sat there. I said I didn’t feel in the mood now.

he’s in the garden smoking and I’m just sitting here feeling like an idiot. I’m only 30 but feel so undesirable and like I’m throwing myself at my own husband.

husband said I’m overreacting - am I ? Would anyone else be upset with this comment?

An entrenched stoner’ past 21/ graduating Uni is utterly icky OP , C’mon x

Disgusting. You are only 30. Get out now. This is only going to get much worse. Divorces take forever so get the ball rolling now.

@Uglymug2 he is embarrassing and pathetic, if that’s what you meant? You are not.

my usual question, why stay?

I think you’re focusing on the wrong problem…

I'm so sorry.

How does he hold down a job etc?

Do you have kids?

Does he drive?

I'm so sorry but any addiction is really awful for the person living alongside it.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's nasty of him and it shows you he cares more about the addiction. Honestly if you have no kids please leave this man ASAP. If you do have kids think of a way to get out of this relationship. Plan your exit. Soon the addiction will be more expensive and costly for the relationship and it stinks as well!! You're not unattractive. You're young. Be free

Yuck yuck yuck

you’re so young PLEASE don’t waste your 30s on him, leave him now and find someone with there life sorted out especially if you want children

You owe it to yourself to follow through with this boundary you’ve set.

serve him the papers in a week if he’s done nothing to address it

This is life with an addict.

You can’t change his addiction, you can only change whether you choose to stick around and put up with it.

Is he 16? What a knob

It’s not the weed is that he thinks it’s okay to humiliate you. Because that’s what he’s done.

That would be the part I couldn’t accept. The longer I live the more I think that respect for your partner is the most important aspect of relationships. Without that there’s only going to be pain and suffering.

I’m so sorry OP. But if someone doesn’t respect you (and that’s not down to you that’s a him problem) it’s unlikely to change.

Good on you for speaking up and asserting yourself and your boundaries. Reading this site, you'd be surprised how uncommon it is for women to get in there and tackle their relationship issues head on like you did. I hope you feel better for getting it off your chest, even if his response wasn't what you hoped for.

Time to watch and wait I guess, and see what he does next.

Do you think you really will leave if he doesn't stop? Are you emotionally and practically ready to do that?

I think the weed is to blame tbh......weed is well known for affecting libido. The fact he said hurry up.....id have knocked him out!

Addicts will always choose the addiction Op, I think you need to have a look at your wider life and what else has changed since the weed started.

Tell me he doesnt drive stoned 🤦🏼‍♀️

I will leave yes. I’ve been upset about this so many times before. The promises to reduce, the lies, the debts.

I can financially support myself. I have a good career and I’m sure my colleagues would be shocked at what I’ve put up with.

Emotionally it will be hard, I do/did(?) love him. But I can’t do this anymore, it’s not the life i want. I always wonder, will he be having his 3+ hours in the garden when I’m pregnant? When I’m getting the kids to bed? Will he need to rush home from their sports day to have a spliff?

Time for an ultimatum then OP. Good luck-you deserve better.

The addiction will always come first. So if you have a child with him you will be a married single mother.

I would be very wary of having children with anyone who smoked that much weed or used any drugs, think of the quality of his sperm if nothing else. Why would you even want to go there? For Christ's sake, don't.

Ooft He didn’t smoke weed when I met him. He said he did but he hid it but I think that’s a lie.

When they show you who they are: listen.

When they go one step further and tell you who they are: listen.

Unreal the denial.

Fool me once, shame on them.

Fool us more than once, the shame on us.

Sorry he’s not your one OP but you’re asking the right Qs. When you’re pregnant will he be in the garden stoned etc. Likely yes!

Sadly those who were young like you once, myself included will testify, early years of a relationship for many are the best you get. Don’t settle!

He's trying to make it your fault..usual trick

He probably wouldn’t be at their sports day as he’d be home stoned. ‘Oops I forgot it won’t happen again…’. You are making the right call.

I was with someone exactly like this, I stayed and had a baby with him, the weed came before everything. He’d be sat in the garden for hours at night and then 8am on a Saturday morning, it never got better. While I was pregnant he lost his job due to failing a drugs test so spent six months get high and then angry at everything that inconvenienced him. I left when he started getting aggressive when I finally set boundaries, he never stopped and only sees his kid 9 hours per week

This is so sad to read OP.

You deserve so much better than this. My husband was addicted to weed for 45 years and only gave it up at the age of 61 after suffering from a deep vein thrombosis. He had been promising to give it up for the whole 30 plus years I'd been with him. I don't know why I stayed. We didn't have serious money worries but would have been so much better off if his career had progressed the way it would have without the weed holding him back.

Don't be like me, if you love him issue him with an ultimatum and mean it. If he doesn't give it up, leave while you're still young enough to start again.

of course he will want a spliff over putting his kids to bed. even people who dont smoke weed sometimes think oh gosh id love to be sitting outside relaxing with a wine/beer/cig/spliff right now when theyre trying to get cranky kids to bed so 100000% yes, the person who is addicted to weed will be doing just that.

he will not change. he will not get clean. he will not see it as an issue as weed smokers have a genius way of maintaining their habit by all just parroting 'alcohol is a far more dangerous drug' like a chorus. they all back each other up and play it down. it has its own script.

you are married to someone that if you were single, you would not pick.

also, habitual weed smokers smoke around kids. always. even when they say they are careful, they end up doing it out the window of the car when the kid is in it, or they do it in the bathroom, or outside the window. its on their clothes. its on their breath. its lying around in the house. they meet dodgy people and will convince themselves theyre cool with their drug dealer and that theyre just meeting their matey to pick up when the kids there. it is grim. and they'll spend money that should go to your kids on weed. and its also grim.

you do not feel disgusting because youre disgusting. you feel disgusting because your husband is disgusting and hes reflecting on you. watch, you'll realise you shine when youve got over the initial shitness of breaking up with him. Literally give it a month probably wont take much longer.