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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

234 replies

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:22

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/07/2026 14:24

You’re missing the fact that you courteously chose not to give him the bug that was busy in your house.

How much effort does he go to for you? For your special days?

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:27

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/07/2026 14:24

You’re missing the fact that you courteously chose not to give him the bug that was busy in your house.

How much effort does he go to for you? For your special days?

I get a card with some money in and a phone call.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 05/07/2026 14:28

You were ill.

He needs to behave like an adult. A woman would never have suggested that you could have vomited your way around the corner, bringing your sick child with you to put a card through her door.

I can see why he has few friends

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:29

This issue aside, what’s your relationship like with him?

wasn’t Father’s Day a couple of weeks ago?

CinnamonBuns67 · 05/07/2026 14:30

Yanbu. Illness can't be helped what did he expect you to do? Leave your poorly child and DH to visit him. If he lives 5 mins away does he come visit you? It's a two way street.

Naurrr · 05/07/2026 14:30

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:27

I get a card with some money in and a phone call.

Do the same for him.
A man who no one likes, whingeing at me wouldn't inspire me to bestow gifts and time on him.

BlueMum16 · 05/07/2026 14:34

Hatty65 · 05/07/2026 14:28

You were ill.

He needs to behave like an adult. A woman would never have suggested that you could have vomited your way around the corner, bringing your sick child with you to put a card through her door.

I can see why he has few friends

OP wasn't ill. DH and DD were.

I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't drop round with the card and gift to see him on Fathers Day if he's only 5 mins away.

How often do you see him in a normal week?

MyLittleNest · 05/07/2026 14:34

Don't allow him to make you feel guilty, OP. He is a grown man who is acting very childish. You are not responsible for his happiness. He is.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:35

Yes to have sent him a card to open on Father’s Day would have been nice. Did you message him?

but ultimately - doesn’t sound like the two of you are close for the remaining 364 days of the year so all seems somewhat forced

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:36

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:29

This issue aside, what’s your relationship like with him?

wasn’t Father’s Day a couple of weeks ago?

He didn't want to join us on the day as we were going for a day out and it's not his thing (his words, not mine). The following weekend was when DH and DC were ill. Invited this weekend and this is when he has said he is busy and then made clear he has an issue.

OP posts:
Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:36

BlueMum16 · 05/07/2026 14:34

OP wasn't ill. DH and DD were.

I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't drop round with the card and gift to see him on Fathers Day if he's only 5 mins away.

How often do you see him in a normal week?

Face value I agree

but I think the drip coming is that they aren’t close at all and no doubt he was abusive or something like that

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:36

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:36

He didn't want to join us on the day as we were going for a day out and it's not his thing (his words, not mine). The following weekend was when DH and DC were ill. Invited this weekend and this is when he has said he is busy and then made clear he has an issue.

That doesn’t answer my question

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:37

Did you message him in the absence of popping in a card?

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:42

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:35

Yes to have sent him a card to open on Father’s Day would have been nice. Did you message him?

but ultimately - doesn’t sound like the two of you are close for the remaining 364 days of the year so all seems somewhat forced

Yes I messaged him on Father's day and also on the day I cancelled then called him.

Our relationship is okay but we sometimes clash as he is quite critical of things if they are not done the way he would do them. E.g. I bought a house he thinks is 'too expensive', I bought a car he thinks is a rubbish model

OP posts:
Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:43

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:37

Did you message him in the absence of popping in a card?

Yes I did and said we would pass on card when we saw him

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 05/07/2026 14:43

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:36

He didn't want to join us on the day as we were going for a day out and it's not his thing (his words, not mine). The following weekend was when DH and DC were ill. Invited this weekend and this is when he has said he is busy and then made clear he has an issue.

So it's 3 weeks gone and you've not been to see him to give him a card? No wonder he's pissed off.

Itsthewoluff · 05/07/2026 14:49

So he doesn’t want to go on day trips out. What would he like to do? How would he see a perfect relationship? Perhaps ask him that and then meet somewhere in the middle.

Perhaps he’d like you to go round for a couple of hours every week. If that’s too much then perhaps pop in for an hour every week or pop round for a couple of hours every couple of weeks.
Ask him what he’d like.

fluffydoglove · 05/07/2026 14:50

I would have put the card in his door as you said he only lives five minutes away, I’d probably have knocked too but stood back so as not to spread any bugs! and wished him a happy Father’s Day.. I think he just feels lonely and sad and you and your children are all he’s got.. I understood he doesn’t make an effort to make friends etc but sometimes it’s hard when you’re older and got no confidence amongst other things.. also some people just don’t have people skills and go through life with no friends they’re family are all they need
Just trying to see it from his perspective.. go easy on him and make more of an effort with him

Sparkletastic · 05/07/2026 14:53

There’s a reason he’s on his own in life. He’d be getting one more offer from me, delivered briskly, and then left to sulk if he declines again.

getsomehelp · 05/07/2026 14:55

He needs to grow up. It was unfortunate you had to postpone.
He never wants to participate in, or instigate any thing nice.
I would tell him that through no fault of your own, you needed to postpone, if he doesn't want to do any activity at all, Fine. He wants to be miserable Jog on.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:56

How often do you usually see him? Did you dh see his father despite being ill?

Ultimately yes I’d have popped around with a card. But the pair of you don’t seem close so I wouldn’t be worrying about him in a mood

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:57

Itsthewoluff · 05/07/2026 14:49

So he doesn’t want to go on day trips out. What would he like to do? How would he see a perfect relationship? Perhaps ask him that and then meet somewhere in the middle.

Perhaps he’d like you to go round for a couple of hours every week. If that’s too much then perhaps pop in for an hour every week or pop round for a couple of hours every couple of weeks.
Ask him what he’d like.

I asked him this a few years ago, which was how we came up with having dinner as he never likes the gifts I buy for him and he came on a day out which he said he didn't enjoy. I do understand what other posters have said about dropping in with the card but as I thought he would be coming this weekend anyway I thought it would be nicer to have a mini father's day with dinner when he came. Also he doesn't like me visiting much as he is in an upstairs flat with open stairs and it worries him with the children.

OP posts:
Flamingcoming · 05/07/2026 14:58

He sounds like a selfish child. Your DH and young DC had a stomach bug. A reasonable person would not have wanted mum of small dc to come over and make them dinner in that situation.

You also invite him places and he refuses.

Seems he’s had a miserable conversation with his brother in which he lied by omission. Did you get a card/dinner? “no”. Not “no because my DD’s little kids and husband have a gastro bug”.

You could either write him a message saying you were taken aback by what he said on the phone as your family was ill and you invite him places that he declines. Or you could cut the mean miserable fucker off. Seems your mum is well free of him.

Itsthewoluff · 05/07/2026 15:00

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:57

I asked him this a few years ago, which was how we came up with having dinner as he never likes the gifts I buy for him and he came on a day out which he said he didn't enjoy. I do understand what other posters have said about dropping in with the card but as I thought he would be coming this weekend anyway I thought it would be nicer to have a mini father's day with dinner when he came. Also he doesn't like me visiting much as he is in an upstairs flat with open stairs and it worries him with the children.

Edited

Then don’t worry about it. Keep inviting and what he does is up to him.

Ethelspagetti · 05/07/2026 15:01

Maybe next time drop off the card. It may have been that late card that upset him.

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