AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

[Petuniapet]

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

I'm just going to summarise what happened here as a few people have asked similar questions or made similar points.

I saw my Dad the Thursday before Father's day, I had already asked him previously if he wanted to join us on a day out on Father's day where we went to the zoo and for dinner afterwards. He had the option of coming to both of these things or just one if he preferred. He said he didn't want to go out for dinner and suggested I use father's day to focus on my DH having a nice day and I could cook him a dinner the weekend after. I said of course no problem if that's what you'd prefer and asked if he'd like to take his cards with him that day. He said no, I'll just have them when I see you for our dinner. I still text him on Father's day to wish him happy father's day and said looking forward to our dinner etc.

Fast forward to the day we had planned dinner, I'd had my DD and DH up all night with D and V so text with apologies to cancel the dinner and said we could rearrange for the following weekend. He works all week and doesn't like to come for dinner after work. He agreed but didn't seem eager to talk so left it at that. At this point I probably could have offered to drop off the cards again but he had already said he wanted to have them when he came for dinner so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The rearranged dinner date then came around and I text to ask what time we should expect him. He said he is busy. I said oh ok do you fancy coming during the week then or just for a cuppa. He didn't response so I spoke to him on the phone and he then explained he'd spoke to his brother on the phone (who has not partner or children) who'd asked him about father's day and he said he'd had to tell him he'd had nothing or seen nobody. I said I'm sorry I would have dropped your cards round if I'd known that's what you'd preferred but you asked to have them for dinner. He just continued to grumble something about us not knowing people would be ill. He then said he had to go. It was at this point I messaged on here as I felt a little confused why he was clearly annoyed with me when I had taken his lead on what he wanted to happen for father's day.

We've since spoken and rearranged the dinner. I offered to drop his card round today and/or drop in but he said he's busy with his cars and he will get them when he sees me.

I feel like you're verging on a little too invested. Chill.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous. You know fine well that sick bugs tend to do the rounds of the house. I would not have taken the risk of going round there and potentially passing a sick bug onto a parent who already has stomach issues.
OP/ he’s acting like a child. Ignore ignore ignore.

You should have seen him on Father’s Day.

also why don’t you see and know your uncle? Your dad sounds very lonely.

He’s not even that old! Only late fifties

He’s upset. He’s a similar age to me but not good with explaining. Is he ND?

from now on don’t miss the special occasions. You are very lucky to have a caring parent.

I think the lesson learned is to put his card in the post in future years. Then if something unforeseen happens he will at least have a card.

When he’s at home at the weekends just pop around sometimes to say hello, have a chat and a cup of tea. You live so close it’s very easy. And I don’t mean with the kids you have a partner who can look after their kids. Just start building up some dad and daughter time. Just because he’s a hands off grandad and was the same when you were a child it doesn’t mean you can’t build up a great relationship now.

what other hobbies does he have? How about a movie night at his house with him or a trip to the cinema? Or pop out to a classic car show.

he’s feeling disappointed, upset and alone.

That doesn’t mean he’s not feeling upset. I had a terrible birthday and Mother’s Day this year I’m still upset. I am also insular and feel too upset to talk about it to the family members involved. Also ND.

I always try and make sure someone has their card even if it means posting through the letterbox. So
I would be upset if I hadn’t received mine 2/3 weeks after the event. It’s obviously deeper than that though.

LOL is this for real. A grown man sad because no card came through the door and the posters saying how sad it is that he has been waiting for this card.

And people saying you should have popped over while probably dealing with sick everywhere in your home, needing to take care of a baby, 4 year old and a sick husband.

Insane.

100% agree with this post. Concentrate on your Dh and kids. Your dad should be making the effort you have done nothing wrong.

There's a lot of responsibility on you to maintain this relationship, as he doesn't appear to be reciprocating at any point. As you are ND, is this draining...considering your busy homelife with small children too? You aren't responsible for his happiness, and if he wants a relationship with you so badly he needs to recognise that and pull his socks up to make sure that happens. He can't just say 'that's boring' like some moody teen. You've reached out with fresh invites which he has declined. Let him fester. I bet he will soften at some point, so maybe try again next week if you haven't heard from him before then. Make it clear you are getting the message he isn't ready to see you yet as he is upset and you will contact him next week. He needs to know.your distance is a result of his churlish behavoour.
But, whilst he is bringing up gripes with you, maybe take the opportunity to demonstrate what little effort he makes fo intergrate himself into your life too.

Lots of my family are ND and I'm a MH professional. If you say you are too, then I think your Dad is almost certainly so OP.
My daughter is ND and can be very rigid about what she expects from social situations and really needs a lot of structure to feel comfortable. She almost seems lost when it's just free flowing convos and it sound like your Dad does too. It sound like noisy babies and toddlers are overstimulating for him too? I don't think you've really done much wrong but his feelings are hurt maybe? And maybe you could continue to send a message every week to him and hopefully he'll thaw after a little while. It sounds like he has quite a lonely life and you're probably more important to him than you realise but it also sounds like a lot of work for you.

Did you read the reasons I didn't? I also have a DH who deserves to spend time with his family on Father's day.
I.dintvreally see how it's relevant but my uncle lives hundreds of miles away and has never made the effort to be in my life, even when I was a child. I can count on both hands the amount of times I have met him and at least half of those was when I was visiting my late Grandma and he was there. He also lives alone and has a solitary lifestyle.

It was really, really fork deon you tbh. You could’ve taken 10mins to drop off a card for him on fathers’ day. As others have said, you could’ve spent time having a cuppa with him on the day too.

The guy sounds like a selfish, immature prick.

I'm sorry he's your father - that's not how fathers should be to their daughters. You deserve better.

I don't really see why that responsibility falls solely on me. It's a two way street and he makes it very difficult to form more of a bond when he doesn't like to do anything I do and refuses to take part in any family time. He didn't even attend my wedding reception as it's 'not his thing'. He criticises much if what I do and the way I do it when he does visit and doesn't enjoy being around my children though he does clearly love them.

In the past I have taken him to museums, classic car shows, rally car racing, invited him on family holidays to the seaside. He doesn't enjoy it and prefers his own space and own routine. I get the impression being out in public makes him anxious although he would never admit that. He doesn't like other people in his home space and often makes excuses for us not to visit when I've offered to pop round. I understand he may be feeling lonely and I want to help him with that but at the moment I feel like I can't win and it's exasperating.

I am drained and also confused and upset that he is upset. It was never my intention and I thought I was going along with what he said he wanted. I feel like there's this unwritten rulebook that you should do the opposite of what the person has asked as that is what is right. I asked an outright question if he wanted me to drop the cards round so that he had them for father's day and he declined so I find it difficult to understand why I should have ignored that. It felt like to me it was more upset over his brother bringing it up and maybe he felt a bit embarrassed and wouldn't want to admit he declined to see us/have the cards.

50/50

Not sure why he was bothered by doing nothing and seeing no one when that seems to be how he's chosen to live.

However, if you were cancelling on your end, I think you should have dropped the card round, it's not fathers day the next time you see him.

Just ignore these posters who criticize you over your treatment of the card or your father. Its a non traditional relationship as you are both ND so if it works—when it works—its not going to look like the glurge filled, vaseline smeared camera lens these posters pretend to think you owe him. Frankly I don’t believe that many people can seriously think you did anything wrong. You didn’t. You tried to satisfy innumerable constraints that he throws at you and apparently you guessed wrong at following his instructions . Absolutely ridiculous. He is a very difficult person. You did your best. He threw a whiny pity party.Now forget it.

What’s happened here is that you have two quite rigid neurodivergent people butting heads. OP - your dad is upset that you changed the plan. You may have had a good reason, but it doesn’t matter to an autistic person (as you say he probably is). Changed plans = upset.

Meanwhile, you are also neurodivergent and being rigid about your own routine. You could have dropped the card round, but that would have meant you being adaptable too and it doesn’t sound like you really are.

Oh dear. He is in his 50s, that is not old. It sounds like you do all the work and get nothing back.
He needs to make an effort and should understand a family illness takes priority.
Do not feel bad about this one. Just carry on, as best as you can.

That’s just plain misandry… In my experience a woman is just as capable as being unreasonable as a man on something like this. You only have to browse the threads on here to find some mothers and MIL acting in an appallingly self-centred manner.

Agreed. Yes, you can nitpick at the OP’s actions, but none of that excuses her father’s crazy over-reaction and intransigence.