AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

[Petuniapet]

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

So now you know it matters to him. Have you made arrangements to go and see him later/this week?

Fathers day 3 Sundays late has been and gone. See his only daughter is important to him.

I can't believe you only make time once a month to see your dad when he's 5 mins away. Is life really that busy you can't fit anyone in other than your nuclear family? How are your DC meant to establish relationships with him - or your in-laws assuming you have no time for them either?

I’m not sure if I have this right, so apologies if I haven’t. So did you and DH and children go for a day out on actual Father’s Day then you offered to cook him a meal or whatever the following week but some of your household were ill and now he’s ‘busy’? Is that right?
If so, I’d be pretty pissed off that you couldn’t have dropped a card/gift off on your way out to the zoo or whatever because you clearly didn’t have childcare issues then. Or give it to him on the Thursday when you saw him?
The week after with people being ill couldn’t be helped but that was way too late!

He sounds like hard work and he's now cutting his nose off by being 'busy' when you're trying to reschedule and bitching to his brother about you. Effort works both ways, if he rarely wants to spend time with your children, then naturally he will see less of you because at this stage of life you're a mother to young children who need you.

I asked to see him today. He told me he is busy. I asked if he'd prefer for me to drop the card off he said no he'd just have it when he sees me.

You are presuming it's my decision to see him monthly when actually he suggested he come every first Sunday of the month as he likes to fix his cars at the weekends. Sometimes he pops round for a brew in the week too. I also have friends, my mum, FIL, MIL, SIL and brother, SIL and nieces/nephews to fit time in with. I'm guessing you don't have small children or a wider family to understand it can be challenging to share time equally between everyone.

Someone else described him as sad, lonely and old. That's what I was referring to.

Yes that's right. I asked him on the Thursday if he wanted to have the cards that day as he had already said he didn't want to come with us on Sunday. He said no he'd have it the week after when I did dinner. Then obviously illness struck so postponed the dinner, then he said today he was busy when I text to ask what time to expect him.

He doesn't want to spend time with her kids!?

He’s in his late 50’s, hardly old. He sounds like a pain in the backside and that everything falls onto OP with no effort from him.

I've said OP should have gone before now with his card and gift rather than wait. I've asked what her plans are to see him now she knows it's important to him.

This doesn't have to mean with the DC.
Y comment about them not having a relationship is about only seeing him once a month. That will add to why he doesn't know how to deal with them too.

Ok. Well as I said previously, the illness couldn’t be helped but I’d have still got his card and present to him before now! Who wants a Father’s Day card 3+weeks late? It’s not like you live at the other end of the country. You’re five minutes away!

Oh FFS why is a 50 year old man’s petty whining treated as a world historical act if cruelty on OP’s part? He barely has a relationship with her and its all on his iwn terms. He isn’t and wasn’t father of the year. And he can’t even be gracious and accept the gift she does offer him. Instead he gets stuck and perseverates on the ine area where he can throw blame—the card. Why are so many MN’ers determined to baby a 50 year old man? Shouldn't he learn some resilience?

Mainly because misogyny, projection and over-identification I would say. Someone on the thread diagnosed him as autistic and from then on he became a sad lonely overwhelmed old man who can't change anything for himself. All bollocks.

Late 50s. But certainly not a frail old man

Exactly.
A healthy man in his 50s whinging because his daughter - who had a young child and a baby and a vomiting bug to deal with - postponed a card-bearing visit.
Where was he with offers of help and gifts to cheer your family up when they were ill?
And why can't he make an effort and go to do something child-friendly once in a while?
Miserable sod.

He sounds like a miserable arsehole who doesn't make any effort himself. She messaged him to wish him Happy Father's Day on the day itself.

There's obviously a reason why he hasn't got any friends.

When do you next plan to see him? Why not pop over now for a drink in the garden? You’ll be there in 5 mins.

And the suggestion that you never ever are without one child because of clubs and your dh working is… well clearly not always the truth

He sounds like a typical grumpy old man who’s stuck in his ways. If he wanted to he could be a big part of yours and your children’s lives. That’s on him that he isnt.

Is this a joke? OP's dad is in his 50s, still works full-time and is exasperated by his own grandchildren but OP is supposed to bend over backwards to pander to him and his anti-social quirks?

I would imagine that OP is very busy with work and her young children and maybe can't afford to send him bottles of scotch to reward him for his needy and guilt-tripping behaviour.

I feel like you aren't really considering the reality of having young children, including a baby who is breastfed. So yes, I do always have at least one child with me, I have to organise with my DH who works 6 days a week when I go out for an appointment or whatever.

I'm not sure if you can gauge from my previous posts but my dad really wouldn't take kindly to me just popping over to his house, it's not in his nature and we don't have that kind of relationship. He also only drinks herbal tea and water so a drink in the garden isn't the social event you think it is. He hasn't responded to my query about when he is next free so I don't know at the moment, likely one day after work or next weekend.

Its not a court of law and OP doesn’t have to present evidence to you. She is a grown woman juggling multiple peoples demands. Who are you to say how she should portion her time?

This sounds exactly like something my father would say! No you are not being unreasonable. Your children were sick!

It was Mother’s Day a week after I had a traumatic birth (I nearly bled to death, forceps) and my dad said he couldn’t believe I didn’t post a card or send my mum flowers??? I was absolutely gob snacked but deep down knew he would fuss about it…

You might not have managed to send him his card for Father's Day but he left you when you were nine.

I know which feels like the bigger betrayal to me.

I don’t think she owes anything to anyone
but saying you can’t pop in to someone who lives 5 mins away because you are literally
Never without 1 child is… well a bit silly

When I had norovirus really bad, my 78 year old Dad who has an autoimmune condition & lives 10 miles away, dropped off some shopping at my door (white bread & other plain items that help settle the stomach).. that is something like what OP’s dad should have done instead of moaning to his brother about the card!

My dad would’ve loved to have had grandchildren too.

And can everyone stop referring to OP’s Dad as ‘old’ - late 50s really is not old. I’m nearly 50 and this is so depressing lol.

You are not close to him, and don’t think much of him, and he struggles around small children.

Next year… send the card and leave it at that . It sounds like it was a card to open on the day itself that was important to him