AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

[Petuniapet]

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

Yes, I didn't want to say it but a lot of what OP describes would point towards autism - I'm autistic myself and it runs in my family so I'm not meaning to armchair diagnose, but there are a lot of "bells" in her answers.

I always have at least one with me due to DH work commitments, DD clubs etc

No, he just said "ah okay"

Could you really not arrange some childcare or have your DH re-arrange work in order for you to see your dad? Maybe he feels pushed out if he never gets to spend any time with you alone and this is just the straw that broke the camels' back, so to speak.

I can't see the post you have quoted for some reason but I would probably say this is likely. I'm am ND myself.

He has chosen to limit his life to only the things that he wants to do. His enthusiasm for spending time with you doesn't extend to doing the things he doesn't enjoy just for the pleasure of being part of the family. Which is fair enough.

But, if he doesn't get pleasure from spending time with you and the children, doesn't want to come out with you, doesn't want you to go round there, then there's not much either of you can do about it.

It is absolutely not your responsibility to tie yourself in knots to do the thing that he would choose even if they are awkward or inconvenient to you.

If he complains that he hasn't seen you, remind him that he has chosen to limit the activities you can do together. If he basically only wants to come to your house, then he can't expect you and the kids (and the kids' dad who possibly might warrant more consideration on father's day) to never go anywhere to facilitate that.

He has to accept that his choice of activity will only be possible when you're there, and not ill, and it suits the whole household. 🤷🏻

I think when someone is ND (and especially when they are unaware) they often have no idea how their behaviour comes across to others. His refusal to go outside his comfort zone and to join in noisy or new activities will seem perfectly logical to him, but he may not understand how it impacts you.

Does he care about you? I’m not seeing it from what you’ve posted. He’s done a number on you where you are thinking you can make him happier. You can’t make other people happier, only he can control that.

He's in his 50s?? He's been lonely since he split with OP's mum some time ago so his loneliness and sadness is entirely his responsibility. He's not a frail old man, he's late middle aged with a job and every means of making friends or spending time with people if he wants to. How is his DD who has her own life and responsibilities supposed to fix being lonely and sad for some guy who is lonely and sad as part of his personality??

Yes in hindsight if I had thought it would have mattered so much to him, I would have done that. Perhaps mistakenly, I thought he would much prefer to receive his cards and my DD's handmade gift then have dinner with us which he chose altogether as a father's day just for him.

You're right. Stupid idea. Apologies to all

He feels pushed out because OP has young kids that she has to look after? This thread is batshit.

OP has also said she is ND and suspects he is too, which does put a whole new spin on things. Many "high functioning" members of the older generations never received a diagnosis and were just left to be "different".

It's not batshit for a grown adult to want to spend time with his adult daughter alone, ffs.

Maybe so. That still doesn't make his loneliness OP's responsibility. It sounds like he's got his life the way he wants it. And again, not a frail old man. He's 50something!

I think in your shoes I would have popped the card around on actual Father’s Day, to give it to him a week later when he came for dinner means the card is not really relevant anymore.
Its his choice to sulk and not come to dinner the week after, so that’s on him but I do try and get cards to people for the day they have meaning even if plans have gone awry, which they often do when you have kids, as the card usually means more then a message/phonecall.

It's batshit for people to make his loneliness OP's responsibility, and to paint him as some frail lonely old man who nobody cares about. OP spends regular time with him and she's got two young kids. You expect her to get a babysitter to visit her dad??
The only, literally only thing OP did wrong was not posting the card on the actual day.

Worst deal of being the sandwich generation. He expects you to run around after him even though you've got small kids. I'm guessing he doesn't want to come round and play with them from what you've said. I'm afraid as an adult he will have to find ways of entertaining himself if he doesn't like what his grown up daughter with kids of her own has to offer. He wouldn't be saying this to a son, I can tell you.

@thejelliclecats out of interest, given that OP's dad finds her days out boring, and spending time with her children boring, why should she go and spend time fixing cars with him? Is she allowed to say that's boring, like he does to her?

To be honest he has no idea how to interact with DC. He gets very irritated with what I would call normal behaviours for their age (e.g. not listening the first time they are spoken to). He never played with me as a child and now I know why!

If OP's dad is ND (which she strongly suspects) then it's likely that "boring" is a euphemism for "too overwhelming". And of course she doesn't have to tinker with his cars if she doesn't want to - it was just a suggestion.

How does she “help him” not be old? Very curious about this magical power this oP must have.

He's a giant baby.

It seems almost performative, like he doesn't want to go out with you, but wants to be able to tell his brother that you saw him.

Does he go out of his way to invite you round? Show he wants to see you more in other ways?

I wasn't making his loneliness her responsibility, I was just trying to offer OP some suggestions which could maybe make things better as she's clearly bothered by the situation. I also never said he was a frail old man - you're the one repeatedly using that phrase

I also don't think it's outlandish for adult children to see their parents alone sometimes. The babysitter suggestion was because OP said her DH has work commitments which means he can't look after them.

in the time you’ve spent on this thread… you could have done the 5 minute journey for a cup of tea in the garden with him.

Look, you aren’t close. You see each other once a month. You don’t need to justify anything to us.

Oh seriously 🙄