AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

[Petuniapet]

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

He won’t have a problem with a baby as he won’t have to interact with them surely?

You could have sent his card. Why did you think it would have been nicer to give it to him the following weekend when it wasn’t Father’s Day?

You are like a dog with a bone! Where's the effort from her dad, he sounds like he's not bothered whether he sees her or not, doesn't want to spend time with the kids, doesn't want OP just popping in. Effort works both ways

It sounds like he’s not prepared to make an effort by joining you. He doesn’t want to go out, he finds it boring being at your house when the kids are playing and he doesn’t want you round at his place with your kids. You have a baby so what does he expect from you? It sounds like you do make an effort by inviting him places but he declines. That’s on him. He’s an adult and you are not responsible for him.

He’s mostly upset because he didn’t get his card/gift before the actual day, as most would be tbh. Why didn’t you drop it before Father’s Day? That would have avoided all of this animosity.

Because that's when we were supposed to be celebrating it and I had already asked him if he wanted them the Thursday before Father's day and he said he'd wait and have them when he visited for dinner.

Because I had already asked him the Thursday before Father's day when I saw him if he wanted his cards that day. He said he'd wait until he came for dinner then following week. Plus I didn't know it would be such a major issue. I have quite often had birthday/Christmas cards late and not been bothered about it just because it's not the actual date.

He text last night and we've rearranged dinner.

When for?

Have you dropped his card off in the meantime or are you still making him wait?

Jeeso the op works, has two young kids and the kids were sick and the focus is on a grown ass man getting a card, a man who has cancelled plans where he could have got the card. Did he offer you help or support when your kids were sick? I’d never be like this with my kids over a card if there was a good reason, especially when he doesn’t seem to make much effort with his only child

I feel a bit sorry for him. He clearly has no one but you so he probably looks forward to time spent with you.
Yep everyone was ill but fathers day wasn't the week after. You could have nipped to see him and take a card and possibly a small gift and then rescheduled the plans for the week after.
Your kids are only young but as they get older think how you might feel if they didn't acknowledge mothers day for you.
One of my sons always goes with his girlfriend to see her mum in mother's day and it does tug at the heart strings.

He sounds very like my late db who would have been 60 this year. He never married or had dc but it was a possibility when he was in his 20s. Ds is ND and I strongly suspect he was - it was very difficult to get him 'involved' with the family in social events and he didn't really like us visiting him. He much preferred it when dc got older. At his funeral there were no friends of his.

My dad would prefer to see me and open a card rather than a card posted through the door, I’d prefer that with my children too, especially if I know they are busy with sick children and it’s not that they’ve not thought of me

Who actually speaks to people like this?
is anyone reading what op is saying? She offered him the card on Father’s Day and he said he’d prefer to wait til he seen her but then her kids were sick so she assumed he’d prefer to get card when they meet up again, which he declined, so he couldn’t have been that bothered, and I don’t know much men that are that bothered about cards tbh, I don’t get why no one is talking about him not being a very thoughtful parent, total misogyny on this thread

Sounds utterly selfish. So, he doesn’t bother with his grandchildren and you by the sounds of it. Just expects all the time.

Her dad has explained he is upset at not seeing her.

The thread has been a whole discussion about if she's reasonable to be pissed off at his his feelings.

The OP knows he's upset. I'm interested to know how long they are waiting for their dad to get his Father Days card (3 Sundays ago and counting) when she knows he's pissed off and he only lives 5 mins away and she's the only DC.

Don't like it scroll on by.

Yabu. You didn’t see him on Father’s Day because you had a day out and then cancelled the dinner in lieu of Father’s Day the following week. It would have been nicer to do the dinner on father’s day (knowing he wouldn’t come on the day out) or at least popped the card round if there was some reason that couldn’t happen. He just feels a bit lonely by the sound of it and while making out it was all fine initially although was actually a bit upset.

I had a great aunt who made out she was fine one Christmas, didn’t need anything, didn’t want to see anyone etc. When we went round after new year (me aged about 14 and my parents) she burst into tears. She had been so lonely and had seen and spoken to no one. She’d told everyone (neices) the same thing and they all took her at her word. The following year was better. She wouldn’t go anywhere for Christmas dinner but a few phone calls and a visit between Christmas and new year made so much difference.

My point is that older people don’t want to be a bother but they still get lonely or upset. My mum on the other hand had expectations and wasn’t afraid to share them 😀

Glad To hear your dad is coming to dinner.

Am I right in thinking that you arranged a day out on father's Day for you and the kids, that you knew he wouldn't want to join you for? So, his options were a day out that he wouldn't enjoy, or seeing you a week later. Why didn't you arrange the day out with the children for the week after and prioritise your dad on father's day? In the very least, inviting him to do something he WOULD enjoy, and not effectively cutting him out by planning a day to the zoo. I would be really hurt in his position too.

So no one was ill Father's Day?

You had a day out with your husband & young kids?

Your dad does sound hard work, but I'm also thinking could you not have spared half an hour to drop off the card & spend some time with him?

I feel you could do more but then maybe so could he.

If he is only 5 mins away why don’t you just start sticking your head through the door and having a cuppa now and again. Call in with a nice pack of biscuits or a bit of fruit on the pretence you have bought too many or they were on offer. Take the kids and keep an eye on them or go on your own.

People slagging him off and saying he needs to grow up, we don't know him but he might have got things going on, health issues, anxiety etc. if op isn't close or doesn't make much effort, he might not feel comfortable sharing.

Start making more effort for a while and see how it goes. It might surprise you.

Could he be depressed? He sounds depressed to me.

Was your husband on deaths door? Could he not have managed for the time it took you to do a 10 mile round trip and post the card with a little message that said x and y have bugs didn’t want to pass them on have posted your card through the door.