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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel hurt after my dad complained about Father’s Day?

234 replies

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:22

I will try to give a bit of context without rambling. I am in my early 30s and my Dad is in his late 50s. He lives alone and has done since he separated from my mum when I was 9. I am his only child. I have two young children of my own age 4 and 7 months.
To my knowledge, he has never tried to date. He lives a solitary lifestyle, seemingly by choice. He doesn't really have any friends: his closest friend and neighbour died about 5 years ago. He works full time and says he doesn't even really interact with his colleagues.

Now onto the problem where I'm wondering if IBU. For Father's day this year, I offered to make him dinner, as I do every year, and take him out. He usually accepts the dinner but not the day out as they're 'not his thing', same happened this year. Unfortunately, on the day, both DD and DH were ill with a stomach bug so I apologised and suggested we reschedule to the following weekend. He was non-comittal about this but agreed, then weekend comes and he says he is busy! I ask him when he is free he says he doesn't know and is being very shady about things. During a phone call that afternoon, he said that I don't really make an effort with him, he didn't even get a card on Father's day and he had to tell his brother (my uncle who I have nothing to do with) he'd had nothing and seen nobody. I repeated my apology about the illness but he continued to rant how he only lives 5 mins away but he never sees me. In hindsight I could have potentially popped his card around but I thought it'd be nicer to give it to him when I saw him the following weekend. I am usually the first to message him, I try to arrange things to do together but it is difficult as he can't eat many foods with gut issues he has, he doesn't really have any hobbies and he doesn't like going out with me and my DC as anywhere fun for them he says isn't his thing and he just seems bored.
AIBU? Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:01

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 14:56

How often do you usually see him? Did you dh see his father despite being ill?

Ultimately yes I’d have popped around with a card. But the pair of you don’t seem close so I wouldn’t be worrying about him in a mood

Edited

Usually around once a month.

We had seen FIL the weekend before as he was working away over father's day.

We aren't super close but I care about him and he me. I don't want him to feel forgotten but I do think sometimes he makes his loneliness my problem and I feel whatever I do isn't good enough.

OP posts:
ConverselyAttired · 05/07/2026 15:02

He sounds awful. But I would have "covered my back" so to speak by phoning him to cancel and then informing him I'd be pushing the card through the door without knocking due to the stomach bug.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 15:02

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:01

Usually around once a month.

We had seen FIL the weekend before as he was working away over father's day.

We aren't super close but I care about him and he me. I don't want him to feel forgotten but I do think sometimes he makes his loneliness my problem and I feel whatever I do isn't good enough.

You havent seen him since?

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:05

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 15:02

You havent seen him since?

My Dad or FIL? I last saw my Dad the Thursday before father's day, he came round to drop off some plants for my DD and we had a cup of tea together. FIL I haven't seen since the weekend before father's day.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 05/07/2026 15:07

You did the right thing not visiting him the weekend your dd and dh were unwell, you may have caught it and passed it on.

your dad sounds so self absorbed, you have your own family to look after and a relationship works both ways, he needs to make an effort too.

the older I’ve got the I’ve decided that I will put in the same amount of time to a relationship as other out in for me!

my aunt said to me last week I’ve not seen you for months, my reply was likewise, life is busy and you know where I live!

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:11

I feel a bit sad for him that you only live 5 minutes away and still haven't dropped his card off two weeks later.

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:11

fluffydoglove · 05/07/2026 14:50

I would have put the card in his door as you said he only lives five minutes away, I’d probably have knocked too but stood back so as not to spread any bugs! and wished him a happy Father’s Day.. I think he just feels lonely and sad and you and your children are all he’s got.. I understood he doesn’t make an effort to make friends etc but sometimes it’s hard when you’re older and got no confidence amongst other things.. also some people just don’t have people skills and go through life with no friends they’re family are all they need
Just trying to see it from his perspective.. go easy on him and make more of an effort with him

Edited

Thank you, this was helpful. I guess this is probably what he was trying to communicate to me in hindsight.

OP posts:
Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 15:13

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:05

My Dad or FIL? I last saw my Dad the Thursday before father's day, he came round to drop off some plants for my DD and we had a cup of tea together. FIL I haven't seen since the weekend before father's day.

Oh come on…. He lives 5 mins away. You could have swung in for a cuppa by now

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:15

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:11

I feel a bit sad for him that you only live 5 minutes away and still haven't dropped his card off two weeks later.

We don't need to make him into a martyr. He hasn't had it yet because he didn't want to see us on Father's day because a trip to the zoo and dinner out isn't his thing. Last weekend we regrettably had to cancel our plans and he could have come over today but chose to say he's busy even though he had agreed to come over previously. Yes I could have posted it but that wasn't done out of malice, I just thought it would be nicer to do a mini father's day for him once everyone was better.

OP posts:
Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:16

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 15:13

Oh come on…. He lives 5 mins away. You could have swung in for a cuppa by now

See my previous responses.

OP posts:
Pickledonions12 · 05/07/2026 15:17

Help him not to be sad, lonely and old. You don't have to do this, you have zero obligation to do this, but please do it

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/07/2026 15:17

If it was noro going through the family, that could have been transmitted on a card, even if you'd stood back to wish him HFD.

It sounds like he's looking for an excuse to get in a strop. I mean, it wasn't perfect but you can only do what you can do, and you've got your own family to think about.

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:18

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:15

We don't need to make him into a martyr. He hasn't had it yet because he didn't want to see us on Father's day because a trip to the zoo and dinner out isn't his thing. Last weekend we regrettably had to cancel our plans and he could have come over today but chose to say he's busy even though he had agreed to come over previously. Yes I could have posted it but that wasn't done out of malice, I just thought it would be nicer to do a mini father's day for him once everyone was better.

I'm not making him into a martyr Confused

You live five minutes away - you could quite easily have popped round on your own after work or for an hour one weekend morning for a coffee and a chat if you really wanted to.

Him not wanting to come to the zoo or dinner isn't really relevant.

usererror99 · 05/07/2026 15:19

I don’t see the point of a card after the event. You live 5 mins away and could have / should have made the effort to drop it off

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:20

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:18

I'm not making him into a martyr Confused

You live five minutes away - you could quite easily have popped round on your own after work or for an hour one weekend morning for a coffee and a chat if you really wanted to.

Him not wanting to come to the zoo or dinner isn't really relevant.

It is relevant because he could have spent the day with us if he wanted to and was invited to do so.

Yes I could have popped round but as I said in previous responses he prefers us not to visit with the kids and I thought it was a bit rubbish to just post the card.

OP posts:
thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:22

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:20

It is relevant because he could have spent the day with us if he wanted to and was invited to do so.

Yes I could have popped round but as I said in previous responses he prefers us not to visit with the kids and I thought it was a bit rubbish to just post the card.

But why would he join you on a day out that he wouldn't enjoy? It sounds like it was a day out for your family that you invited him on as an afterthought.

You also didn't need to post the card or visit with your kids - you have a DH at home who could have stayed with them while you went over.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 15:22

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:20

It is relevant because he could have spent the day with us if he wanted to and was invited to do so.

Yes I could have popped round but as I said in previous responses he prefers us not to visit with the kids and I thought it was a bit rubbish to just post the card.

Who said bring the kids? Just to have popped around at some point with a card for a cuppa.

Rockplanet · 05/07/2026 15:23

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:16

See my previous responses.

Yes that he doesn’t like you visiting with the kids

which is not what I suggested 😕

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:23

Pickledonions12 · 05/07/2026 15:17

Help him not to be sad, lonely and old. You don't have to do this, you have zero obligation to do this, but please do it

I would love to help him be happier. Any ideas how to do this when I have young children to entertain also? He doesn't like coming with us to do things like go to the park and says it's boring sitting in the house whilst the kids play. His idea of fun is fixing his cars.

OP posts:
JustAnotherWhinger · 05/07/2026 15:24

When you told him the bulk of your household was down with noro did he ask if you needed anything?

How justified he is to be upset depends if he gives as much effort as he expects

thejelliclecats · 05/07/2026 15:24

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:23

I would love to help him be happier. Any ideas how to do this when I have young children to entertain also? He doesn't like coming with us to do things like go to the park and says it's boring sitting in the house whilst the kids play. His idea of fun is fixing his cars.

Leave your kids with your husband and go and spend time with your dad - tinker with his cars with him if that's what makes him happy.

PussInBin20 · 05/07/2026 15:28

I think you could have popped round for an hour with his card surely?

WonderingWanda · 05/07/2026 15:28

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 14:57

I asked him this a few years ago, which was how we came up with having dinner as he never likes the gifts I buy for him and he came on a day out which he said he didn't enjoy. I do understand what other posters have said about dropping in with the card but as I thought he would be coming this weekend anyway I thought it would be nicer to have a mini father's day with dinner when he came. Also he doesn't like me visiting much as he is in an upstairs flat with open stairs and it worries him with the children.

Edited

His issues with being a bit of a loner and not making much effort aside. I do think the holding on to the card was probably a bit misguided. When people are lonely, the smallest things amplify that. It's not your fault he declined to spend the day with you but he probably sat at home feeling sorry for himself. Is he depressed? Could he actually be neurodiverse and that is why he avoids social situations? I suspect my dm has some kind of neurodiversity which is actually the driver behind some of her less reasonable behaviours.

Pearlstillsinging · 05/07/2026 15:30

I wouldn't bother celebrating Father's Day with a grumpy adult. Father's Day, which is merely a commercial construct that originated in USA, is quite nice for little ones who usually see Dad on Sunday, anyway, because Dad does things for them, as a matter of course
I bet you can't say that about your DF.

Pickledonions12 · 05/07/2026 15:30

Petuniapet · 05/07/2026 15:23

I would love to help him be happier. Any ideas how to do this when I have young children to entertain also? He doesn't like coming with us to do things like go to the park and says it's boring sitting in the house whilst the kids play. His idea of fun is fixing his cars.

Telephone him for a 10 minute chat every other evening or 3 times a week

Send him the odd bunch of flowers or bottle of scotch saying that you love him

Have him over once a month for a kitchen table supper

Take him to a car museum or something similar twice a year

I think what I mean is..... try to get past his obstructive, difficult barriers which I expect he erects to protect his vulnerability......and offer him small ways to prove to him that he's loved because of and despite who he is/pretends to be

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