Update: I told my family about my relationship with my sister's ex

[Plumzingy1]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5550068-aibu-to-pursue-a-future-with-my-sisters-ex-husband

I honestly didn't expect my last thread to get as much attention as it did. I deleted the account but then thought to update. I read most of the responses, even the ones telling me I was an awful sister and those saying they'd never speak to me again if I were their sibling. Equally, I read the replies from people who thought life isn't always black and white and that happiness is complicated.
A lot of people said I needed to stop worrying about hypothetical reactions and actually tell my family. Quite a few also said that if I genuinely saw a future with him then keeping him hidden indefinitely wasn't fair on anyone, including him.
Well, I've done it.

I spoke to my sister, I went to her house and we had a proper conversation. I was absolutely terrified. I barely slept the night before because I had convinced myself this would be the end of our relationship as sisters.

I told her everything. I didn't try to minimise it or soften it. I was honest about the timeline because I knew it would be far worse if she later found out we'd actually been together for over a year after I'd implied it was something much more recent.

She was upset. Really upset and there were some long silences where neither of us knew what to say.The first thing she asked was whether there had been any overlap. I told her absolutely not. Their marriage had been over for 7 years before anything happened between us.She then asked whether I'd secretly had feelings for him while they were married or whether anything had ever happened before. Again, the answer was no. I did not even see him after the divorce when we met again last year by chance at the same event I genuinely thought we'd have a catch-up and that would be that.

She asked why we'd kept it secret for so long. The honest answer is that after we slept together we both assumed it had been a mistake that would go nowhere. After he messages me to see if I'd gotten home safe, we talked and we both agreed we had fun the night before. Then feelings developed, and every month that passed made it feel like a bigger and bigger conversation to have. She said she wished I'd told her sooner.I couldn't really argue with that because she's right.Then she asked me if I was actually happy with him I told her yes.

She was quiet for a while before saying they probably should never have got married because they simply weren't compatible. Looking back, she thinks they stayed together longer than they should have trying to make something work that never really did.She said she wants me to be happy. She isn't happy about the situation, and she's understandably hurt, but she wants me to be happy. She also said she just needs time to get used to it.
After that I spoke to my parents because I wanted them to hear it from me.
A lot of people on my last thread were convinced they'd disown me.
That honestly never crossed my mind. They're my parents. Why would they disown me? They might be disappointed by choices I've made but disappointment isn't the same as cutting your child out of your life forever. I found it quite odd how many people assumed that would be the automatic outcome.Both were shocked. But they also both said they want me to be happy. They know this isn't an ideal situation and they know people will have opinions, but they also know we're two adults who have found ourselves in a relationship.
I'm still invited to Christmas. Before anyone asks, no, I won't be taking him. I think that would be completely inappropriate this year and far too much to expect of everyone else. Maybe in a couple of years things will look different, maybe they won't, but I'm certainly not trying to force everyone into one happy blended family overnight.

One thing I do want to address is the comments about children because there seemed to be a lot of assumptions.

I'm 36. We've only been together just over a year and we're nowhere near the stage of trying for children. If our relationship progresses to marriage and we eventually decide we want to build a family together, I'll probably be around 40. I've already accepted that I may never have biological children and, genuinely, I'm okay with that. Knowing myself, I don't think I'd want to start trying at that point.

People also seemed to think I was being very blasé about adoption. I'm not. I've fostered children and, through that, I've had advice about the adoption process. I know it's lengthy, thorough and far from guaranteed. I only mentioned it because it's something I've always been open to if I wasn't able to have biological children. I'm not assuming it would simply happen.I appreciate people can only comment on what I write, but I can't possibly include every detail of my life, every conversation and every thought process in one Mumsnet post.

Nothing has magically been fixed. My sister isn't suddenly thrilled about this, and I don't expect her to be. There will probably be awkward moments for a long time yet.

I'm also not trying to convince anyone that ours is some once-in-a-lifetime, sacred love story that excuses everything else.What I am saying is much simpler than that.I love him.I'm happy.He makes me very happy.For the first time in my life I can genuinely see a future with someone.

Life is too fucking short to walk away from someone you love simply because other people think you should. I know plenty of people will disagree with that, and that's their right. Equally, I know some people will never think what we've done is acceptable.

I'm not looking for universal approval because I know I'm never going to get it.
I just wanted to update those who told me to stop hiding and have the difficult conversations.I did.Now we'll see where life takes us.

Best wishes. It will all be good. You did the hardest part.

don’t you feel like tbe consolation prize, he knew you then and prefered your sister.

That's actually ickier than sleeping with your sister's ex. I mean, it's not like they were sitting on a shelf waiting for him to pick one. Presumably it wasn't a Jane Austen scenario, where all eligible women were paraded for his perusal.

Presumably the sister's relationship with him evolved organically, as did OP's seven years later. I've never once looked at my husband and thought, ooh, he picked me over my sister, nor looked at hers and thought the opposite.

Omg no what have I just read!
Grim totally grim

There will be a trauma bonding type dynamic where he is getting off on rubbing the sisters nose in it and Op is complicit in it

Not the same thing.
You might feel differently if you split up and he did pick your sister next 😁

Yes, fine if it was a friend of mine dating my ex. But for me the difference is the family dynamic.

The ex being 'uncle' to my children; my ex having a relationship with my parents. I would just find it very odd. Possibly showing my age.

There’s a Nicci French book on this theme…

Those who think it’s ‘icky’ or some variation of that, why? Don’t you have it in you to be happy for a complete stranger? OPs relationship with her DP and family is not going to affect anyone here but some people are acting like it is.

That’s an odd take, in fact bizzare to interpret like that. Clearly if he’d feelings for the sister,hed not have progressed. He only had eyes for the sister and loved her so much he married her. The op wasn’t on his radar and they would have known each other.

there is no way she didn’t fancy him and then meets him seven years later and shags him immediately

now she’s going to have to live with this sister being first choice.

Good luck OP, hope it all works out for you and your family.

One thing that stood out for me in your previous thread was about how you said yes to a proposal just because you thought you had to. Hope thats something that you worked on in therapy and you are a more confident woman now.
Also, you explained yourself a lot, over and over, and over in the previous thread. Perhaps a bit of therapy still would be useful.
And a last thing, you can still have your own children, I dont get why you are so convinced you cant.

I also read your previous thread @Plumzingy1 but didn’t comment.

You’ve done the right thing. Life is too fucking short. There’s far too much hype around upsetting the apple cart, and whilst truth can hurt, it shouldn’t be avoided. We only have to look at state of country and the world in general to see that.

i wish you both the best and hope it all works out for you! ❤️

Why would we be happy for someone who is committing a huge, foolish faux pas and no doubt will all end in tears in a few years time
Shocking behaviour

No, yours is an odd take.

I mean, I met my husband when we were doing the same post-grad degree, my sister met hers when they worked together in a different city. Both were established relationships. It never occurred to me for a second, during introductions, that we were risking the partner suddenly preferring the other sister.

Seven years on, with no children and nothing tying us together, if I wasn't over it, I'd think it was a me problem.

As I said to another poster, if there were no children and no ongoing relationship, if I was upset about it seven years later, it would tell me I hadn't moved on effectively. Which would be quite troubling if I was remarried with several children as OP's sister is.

Whilst I think this will all blow over and your family will be fine, I do wonder whether the style of writing does evince some enjoyment of the situation. It reminds me of the women who have relationships with cheeky chappies with rugged good looks and write to Take a Break about it.

Well done op. As I said in my previous post, you don’t need your DSis permission but it seems that eventually you will have her blessing and that must be a relief
I’ll never understand why your parents would disown you , especially as the split was only based on non compatibility.
Hopefuily you’ll go from strength to strength and if you don’t - well you’ll always have your DSis to compare notes with ( joke!)
Best of luck !

What makes you sure that they'd have known each other? They probably didn't. The sister is six years older than the OP and the ex is eight years older. If they got married in their twenties, OP would have been in her teens and probably barely had a relationship with her sister's husband. Six years is a big gap. I don't see why you are adamant that the ex 'chose' OP's sister over OP. The age gap likely meant that he didn't see her that way at all.

Agree and it would be exceptionally outing ...

Op i think you were brave telling your sister 💐

Well done!! You did the right thing being honest, I hope it all works out for you xxx

Maybe but I think there was more to the conversion that just ‘we want you to be happy’ it was quite the conversation. I like to think I know my parents who I speak to every single day but maybe I don’t ahaha.

The length of time they’ve been for is longer than the length of time they were together+marriage. Sister has said to me even right after the divorce they they rushed into things and didn’t really get to know one another. I could be misinterpreting her.

Regardless I don’t think my parents are going to disown me over this. I have known them for 36 years. They’re as much my parents as they are my siblings. They’re coming over for dinner some point next week, they’ve met him before but would like to see him now that I’ve told them.

We shall try it and see how it goes they might come over for dinner and think it’s to weird or they might enjoy spending time with both of us. It’ll take some time but I also cannot tell them future. My sister has no issues with it (her words) she’s just disappointed I didn’t just tell her sooner. She doesn’t own him, he’s not a property he is a person who has autonomy at the end of the day. She just said she will just need time to get used to it, she’s still interacting with me as normal so I’ll wait and see if there’s any issues.

I haven't commented until now, but I mostly think it's 'icky' because OP is shagging a man who has shagged her sister, many times. I would find it gross to have a man's penis in me after it had been in my sister's vagina. Psychologically, that would feel almost incestuous to me. I just wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who had been so intimate with my sister, and definitely I wouldn't want to be able to swap notes (if so desired) with my sister on his various techniques, likes, or physical attributes. Urgh.

I wonder if people's opinions would differ if it were OP's ex-stepfather, who was significantly younger than her mother, and had only married her mother once OP was an adult (to take any implications of being a 'father figure' out of it). It just seems very weird to be with someone that one of your family members was married to.

The strained family dynamics is a whole other can of worms, but perhaps it'll work out happily. It's still icky though. But I'm not the one who has to shag him, so as you say - it doesn't affect me, thank god.

Your openess is exemplary. Be proud of it and good luck to both of you.

I find it very odd that you are giving the sexual implications of it so much thought. Any 'incest' seems to be in your head TBH.

But this is your take on it. OP has been in a relationship for a year with someone, how is it a ‘huge, foolish faux pas’? Is it because OP is doing something you wouldn’t?

It might end in tears sometime, many many relationships do. I think that most relationships do eventually. But a relationship that lasts some years before ending isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

‘Shocking behaviour’? Because he is her sister’s ex husband? I don’t really see why that’s shocking either to be honest?

Why are you so obsessed with the sex side of things ? Jheez relax