Update: I told my family about my relationship with my sister's ex

[Plumzingy1]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5550068-aibu-to-pursue-a-future-with-my-sisters-ex-husband

I honestly didn't expect my last thread to get as much attention as it did. I deleted the account but then thought to update. I read most of the responses, even the ones telling me I was an awful sister and those saying they'd never speak to me again if I were their sibling. Equally, I read the replies from people who thought life isn't always black and white and that happiness is complicated.
A lot of people said I needed to stop worrying about hypothetical reactions and actually tell my family. Quite a few also said that if I genuinely saw a future with him then keeping him hidden indefinitely wasn't fair on anyone, including him.
Well, I've done it.

I spoke to my sister, I went to her house and we had a proper conversation. I was absolutely terrified. I barely slept the night before because I had convinced myself this would be the end of our relationship as sisters.

I told her everything. I didn't try to minimise it or soften it. I was honest about the timeline because I knew it would be far worse if she later found out we'd actually been together for over a year after I'd implied it was something much more recent.

She was upset. Really upset and there were some long silences where neither of us knew what to say.The first thing she asked was whether there had been any overlap. I told her absolutely not. Their marriage had been over for 7 years before anything happened between us.She then asked whether I'd secretly had feelings for him while they were married or whether anything had ever happened before. Again, the answer was no. I did not even see him after the divorce when we met again last year by chance at the same event I genuinely thought we'd have a catch-up and that would be that.

She asked why we'd kept it secret for so long. The honest answer is that after we slept together we both assumed it had been a mistake that would go nowhere. After he messages me to see if I'd gotten home safe, we talked and we both agreed we had fun the night before. Then feelings developed, and every month that passed made it feel like a bigger and bigger conversation to have. She said she wished I'd told her sooner.I couldn't really argue with that because she's right.Then she asked me if I was actually happy with him I told her yes.

She was quiet for a while before saying they probably should never have got married because they simply weren't compatible. Looking back, she thinks they stayed together longer than they should have trying to make something work that never really did.She said she wants me to be happy. She isn't happy about the situation, and she's understandably hurt, but she wants me to be happy. She also said she just needs time to get used to it.
After that I spoke to my parents because I wanted them to hear it from me.
A lot of people on my last thread were convinced they'd disown me.
That honestly never crossed my mind. They're my parents. Why would they disown me? They might be disappointed by choices I've made but disappointment isn't the same as cutting your child out of your life forever. I found it quite odd how many people assumed that would be the automatic outcome.Both were shocked. But they also both said they want me to be happy. They know this isn't an ideal situation and they know people will have opinions, but they also know we're two adults who have found ourselves in a relationship.
I'm still invited to Christmas. Before anyone asks, no, I won't be taking him. I think that would be completely inappropriate this year and far too much to expect of everyone else. Maybe in a couple of years things will look different, maybe they won't, but I'm certainly not trying to force everyone into one happy blended family overnight.

One thing I do want to address is the comments about children because there seemed to be a lot of assumptions.

I'm 36. We've only been together just over a year and we're nowhere near the stage of trying for children. If our relationship progresses to marriage and we eventually decide we want to build a family together, I'll probably be around 40. I've already accepted that I may never have biological children and, genuinely, I'm okay with that. Knowing myself, I don't think I'd want to start trying at that point.

People also seemed to think I was being very blasé about adoption. I'm not. I've fostered children and, through that, I've had advice about the adoption process. I know it's lengthy, thorough and far from guaranteed. I only mentioned it because it's something I've always been open to if I wasn't able to have biological children. I'm not assuming it would simply happen.I appreciate people can only comment on what I write, but I can't possibly include every detail of my life, every conversation and every thought process in one Mumsnet post.

Nothing has magically been fixed. My sister isn't suddenly thrilled about this, and I don't expect her to be. There will probably be awkward moments for a long time yet.

I'm also not trying to convince anyone that ours is some once-in-a-lifetime, sacred love story that excuses everything else.What I am saying is much simpler than that.I love him.I'm happy.He makes me very happy.For the first time in my life I can genuinely see a future with someone.

Life is too fucking short to walk away from someone you love simply because other people think you should. I know plenty of people will disagree with that, and that's their right. Equally, I know some people will never think what we've done is acceptable.

I'm not looking for universal approval because I know I'm never going to get it.
I just wanted to update those who told me to stop hiding and have the difficult conversations.I did.Now we'll see where life takes us.

I have to ask, just through sheer curiosity, do you not get jealous? in general? I mean you say you would donate eggs if you cant use them yourself, if I read that right. that seems so crazy to me - wouldn't you be like wait I cant have my child but someone else out there literally has my child?

and also, in terms of jealousy/whatever, do you not get the ick from thinking about them having sex? like do you not wonder if he thinks 'oh they sound similar' or wonder if he compares? or just like when youre getting down to it think about the fact your sister has been there doing the same things youre doing? I just am genuinely wondering whether youre that tiny percentage of people who actually just doesnt feel jealousy really?

And arent; you worried that youve just been feeling its all love when its just that its been a bit of a secret? and arent you worried that he's still into your sister and is like doing that thing Rachel did in friends where she hooks up with russ after ross?

@Plumzingy1 I just want to say how sorry I am about your friend, it turns your world upside down. I hope you're doing OK, from experience in time it becomes more bearable - although that might take a long time

Good luck @Plumzingy1 Your family sound lovely so I'm sure you'll all be able to navigate round this kindly and successfully.

A similar situation happened with my dh's 2 sisters. Dsis2 started seeing 'Bill' secretly about a year after Dsis1 had split up with him. They were all in the same friendship group so knew each other well. That was 35 years ago and Dsis2 and Bill have been happily married for about 30 years.

The fact that Bill and Dsis1 were ever a couple is completely irrelevant in everyone's minds now - İt's just not important any more and everyone.seems happy with how life has turned out.

DH tells me of course there were arguments between his sisters when it first came out and his parents did disapprove of Bill (and didn't talk to him for a year or two) but over the years it's become accepted as just another family tale. Occasionally it's referred to as a funny kind of sliding doors moment but it all feels a bit as if it all worked out for the best.

Love and happiness matter - yours, your dp's, your dsis's and both your families so cherish them.all.

Report it then.

Stop chatting utter shit.

There's a 10 year age gap between the sisters. He probably didn't even realise OP existed back then then. And if he was pining for the OP he would have contacted her sooner rather than wait for a chance encounter.

I imagine he's probably washed it in-between dipping it into different sisters.

If you don't find the idea of having sex with someone who has also had sex with a family member to be weird and off-putting, that's fine. But personally, I wouldn't want to. I think most people would find that gross and unappealing.

Not to mention the weirdness of a romantic relationship in general with a person who has also had a romantic relationship with a family member – I think I'd rather not have a partner who is able to compare me (my habits, my way of behaving in a relationship) to my sister.

I mean, I wouldn't want my sister's secondhand underwear, even if they'd been washed and not worn for 7 years. I'd rather get my own new underwear. While a person is obviously not clothing, I'd still rather not have shared them with a family member.

Frankly, in my circles, people wouldn't date friends' exes, or cousins' exes, let alone siblings' exes. I don't think I know anyone who would consider that appropriate, so it seems very strange.

I mean, I wouldn't want my sister's secondhand underwear, even if they'd been washed and not worn for 7 years. I'd rather get my own new underwear. While a person is obviously not clothing, I'd still rather not have shared them with a family member.

"New underwear"? You want a 40-year old virgin, then? Or you wouldn't be fussy about shagging someone who has perhaps slept with sex workers, dozens/hundreds of other women who may have had a shady past? Just your sister? Who presumably had never had an STD, for example, unless she omitted to tell her closest confidante, i.e. you?

Well, I've been married for nearly 20 years, so I'm happily not looking!

And no, people have sex, of course; that's expected (although I'd want to see a clear STI test). But I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who has had sex with a friend, a cousin, a sibling, or a parent. There's just something weird about it. And in my experience, most people agree with me, and invariably seek out partners who aren't the exes of people they are close to.

It's very interesting to me to see that people are actually happy to 'keep it in the family', so to speak.

This is my take as the sister of someone who also crossed a line. The impulsivity of it was really stupid. Just shows what her priorities are really.

Glad it’s out in the open op.
A very brave (but right) thing to do.

I'm happy for you that it's worked out so far. Well done for telling your sister face to face, not easy. I say this as someone who lost a friendship with someone who got together with my ex, and I had to figure it out before she confessed over facebook messenger, lol. The big difference there was I never did, or would, attest that he was he a great guy like your sister has. In my case he was absolutely awful, and I had shared that with my friend, so it felt like a betrayal that she had got together with him anyway, like what I said didnt matter, or I was making it up. In my case it was much closer to us breaking up as well and they had maintained a friendship which I'd told her I was unhappy about before they got together. This is very different and also no one has cheated here. I agree there will be some awkwardness but if your sister's initial reaction is saying to go for it then that's a great sign. Also side note don't be hung up on when you have children. You have plenty of time!!! Wishing you the best.

Good you told her but I wouldn't go for my sisters ex . There are millions of other men on the planet.
My hometown is like this; a bit incestuous. My best friend's mum has been with my dad for years. Whilst I am happy for them I simultaneously find it a bit weird.

My brother in law is just automatically like a brother to me. Having anything to do with him sexually would feel akin to incest to me. Thats why this thread makes me shudder I guess

Yes that’s the word, it feels incestuous.

whats curious here is a secret relationship always feels more exciting. Similar to an affair.

i do wonder if he will still feel tne same once it is out in the open and becomes more mundane, the secrecy goes, the element of forbidden fruit.

rhe op will still be in to it, but will he. They are all doing the right thing, accepting it, taking that sense of danger out of it, then he will be sitting there with his ex wife and ex in-laws, no one giving a shit, at best, or slightly disgusted at worst, he’s 44 and single for a reason.

Genuinely happy to read the update & I wish you all the best. Everyone deserves happiness ♥️