Update: I told my family about my relationship with my sister's ex

[Plumzingy1]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5550068-aibu-to-pursue-a-future-with-my-sisters-ex-husband

I honestly didn't expect my last thread to get as much attention as it did. I deleted the account but then thought to update. I read most of the responses, even the ones telling me I was an awful sister and those saying they'd never speak to me again if I were their sibling. Equally, I read the replies from people who thought life isn't always black and white and that happiness is complicated.
A lot of people said I needed to stop worrying about hypothetical reactions and actually tell my family. Quite a few also said that if I genuinely saw a future with him then keeping him hidden indefinitely wasn't fair on anyone, including him.
Well, I've done it.

I spoke to my sister, I went to her house and we had a proper conversation. I was absolutely terrified. I barely slept the night before because I had convinced myself this would be the end of our relationship as sisters.

I told her everything. I didn't try to minimise it or soften it. I was honest about the timeline because I knew it would be far worse if she later found out we'd actually been together for over a year after I'd implied it was something much more recent.

She was upset. Really upset and there were some long silences where neither of us knew what to say.The first thing she asked was whether there had been any overlap. I told her absolutely not. Their marriage had been over for 7 years before anything happened between us.She then asked whether I'd secretly had feelings for him while they were married or whether anything had ever happened before. Again, the answer was no. I did not even see him after the divorce when we met again last year by chance at the same event I genuinely thought we'd have a catch-up and that would be that.

She asked why we'd kept it secret for so long. The honest answer is that after we slept together we both assumed it had been a mistake that would go nowhere. After he messages me to see if I'd gotten home safe, we talked and we both agreed we had fun the night before. Then feelings developed, and every month that passed made it feel like a bigger and bigger conversation to have. She said she wished I'd told her sooner.I couldn't really argue with that because she's right.Then she asked me if I was actually happy with him I told her yes.

She was quiet for a while before saying they probably should never have got married because they simply weren't compatible. Looking back, she thinks they stayed together longer than they should have trying to make something work that never really did.She said she wants me to be happy. She isn't happy about the situation, and she's understandably hurt, but she wants me to be happy. She also said she just needs time to get used to it.
After that I spoke to my parents because I wanted them to hear it from me.
A lot of people on my last thread were convinced they'd disown me.
That honestly never crossed my mind. They're my parents. Why would they disown me? They might be disappointed by choices I've made but disappointment isn't the same as cutting your child out of your life forever. I found it quite odd how many people assumed that would be the automatic outcome.Both were shocked. But they also both said they want me to be happy. They know this isn't an ideal situation and they know people will have opinions, but they also know we're two adults who have found ourselves in a relationship.
I'm still invited to Christmas. Before anyone asks, no, I won't be taking him. I think that would be completely inappropriate this year and far too much to expect of everyone else. Maybe in a couple of years things will look different, maybe they won't, but I'm certainly not trying to force everyone into one happy blended family overnight.

One thing I do want to address is the comments about children because there seemed to be a lot of assumptions.

I'm 36. We've only been together just over a year and we're nowhere near the stage of trying for children. If our relationship progresses to marriage and we eventually decide we want to build a family together, I'll probably be around 40. I've already accepted that I may never have biological children and, genuinely, I'm okay with that. Knowing myself, I don't think I'd want to start trying at that point.

People also seemed to think I was being very blasé about adoption. I'm not. I've fostered children and, through that, I've had advice about the adoption process. I know it's lengthy, thorough and far from guaranteed. I only mentioned it because it's something I've always been open to if I wasn't able to have biological children. I'm not assuming it would simply happen.I appreciate people can only comment on what I write, but I can't possibly include every detail of my life, every conversation and every thought process in one Mumsnet post.

Nothing has magically been fixed. My sister isn't suddenly thrilled about this, and I don't expect her to be. There will probably be awkward moments for a long time yet.

I'm also not trying to convince anyone that ours is some once-in-a-lifetime, sacred love story that excuses everything else.What I am saying is much simpler than that.I love him.I'm happy.He makes me very happy.For the first time in my life I can genuinely see a future with someone.

Life is too fucking short to walk away from someone you love simply because other people think you should. I know plenty of people will disagree with that, and that's their right. Equally, I know some people will never think what we've done is acceptable.

I'm not looking for universal approval because I know I'm never going to get it.
I just wanted to update those who told me to stop hiding and have the difficult conversations.I did.Now we'll see where life takes us.

I have been in counselling for 8 weeks because my childhood best friend of 28 years had cancer and passed away this year. During these sessions I have had the opportunity to talk about anything and everything and my counsellor did ask me if I had a partner and we got to talk. The main reason for the counselling sessions is to help me deal with grief of loving someone I love very very dearly. The topic of partners did come up as my friend has children and a partner and I really felt for him as we’ve known him since we were 16.

My relationship has been great it’s been nice to have someone whilst dealing with the grief of losing someone that was very close to me.

Such an interesting thread. Thing is, it's a deeply ingrained incest taboo and difficult to overcome. I've just been reading up on the Deceased Wife's Sister Act 1907 which created a huge to-do for decades in the 19th century before widowers were finally allowed to marry their dead wife's sister. I was researching family history and found that my gt gt grandfather, a widowed CofE vicar wanted to marry his sister-in-law in the 1860s. They had to go to Switzerland to get married and to stay there for years until the dust settled. He was then basically defrocked for his sin. It actually made perfect sense for them to marry as there were 6 children without a mother and Aunt Jane had been very involved with their upbringing. I know that this isn't the same as having a living sister to worry about, but it's the incest thing that society gets its knickers in a knot about.Personally, I don't understand the problem as OP's sister and ex were divorced for years. Lots of time for emotions to cool down.

Well I’ve never fucked my sister over by having sex, then a relationship with her ex.
So yeah, I’m thinking I’m doing just fine thanks!

I’m confused what’s going on here?
Guys just relax the thread isn’t a must to follow if you hate it you’re able to ignore/block it etc

I get that.
But it’s still very you you you.
Why didn’t you discuss this with your sister a year ago, when you first slept with him, rather than see him in secret for a year?
Thats what I can’t get my head around, the duplicity?

but then thats assuming they need answers for why they are enjoying the dance, some just enjoy the dance reguardless of the morals etc

Yeah it me I’m not going to put every thought I’ve had or why on here it’ll be pages long. Why does it matter so much. I’ve spoken to her about it and we are still sisters, I saw her today too and babysat her kids so I think it’ll be okay but time will tell maybe it’s doomed to fail I do not know the future would rather just live in the now. life goes on either way

😂😂😂😂

On your other thread you said she was ok with you And him when you told her

now you say she’s upset. Very upset

which is quite frankly normal

which is it ?

kids - yes no one should rush into having kids - if you are serious about him and being a mum then get eggs frozen now

equally at 36 you aren’t over the hill but obv as get nearer 40 then harder to conceive

you’ve been hiding a year. So next need to have a years relationship to see how things are

then if serious ttc @Plumzingy1

It matters because this is your sister.
A lifelong bond that should never be broken.
If she is ok with it, I’m happy for you.
But you must surely see, that for most people, having a relationship with your sisters ex husband is a massive taboo, and something the majority of people in real life could never even contemplate.
I sincerely hope it works out for you, I could never do this to my sister, nor her me, but if she’s accepting of it, then all good.

Why does it matter on a forum ? In slightly confused why I need to put every thought she feeling. I don’t need to. If you disagree disengage with the thread. The thread isn’t meant to be forced upon anyone.

because to some people it seems there are ment to be some certain morals that are ment to be universial eg like fair etc

'found ourselves in a relationship'.... What a nice way to avoid taking responsibility.

I have a friend who had an affair with her brother in law and divorced to marry the brother . They also had a business enterprise . There were teenage children on both sides . It was rough for a little while but the families are now all blended into one . They are still in business together .

We spoken in person she’s aware we’ve been seeing eachother. Before I’d only mentioned it not the time line I wanted to do that in person.

Kids is not a big deal to me at least bot biological children. I have fostered on and off for quite sometime and I’ve enjoyed that it’s felt as though I’ve been giving back. One of the kids I fostered is at uni now and we speak quite often and the way she speaks of our time together has made me realise I don’t need to have biological children. I have frozen some eggs though but I doubt I’ll ever use them to be honest. You can freeze them for up to 55 yrs and donate them if you choose to not use them so I’ll likely donate them. There’s lots of women who want to have children who cannot.

Almost like they tripped up on each other. Couldnt be helped

Why would your parents care? Well possibly bcos they presumably gave your DS away to this man in marriage, if traditional, stood up & made speeches about her & him & welcomed him into your family as a son in law. That you’re completely blind to any of the dynamics about this & you reply with “my parents aren’t going to disown me” suggest you’re not very able to think about things from other people’s perspectives. Nobody is saying your parents are going to disown you. But they will feel an awkward, uncomfortable way about this - as everyone has said - your pairing with your sister’s ex touches on the incest taboo & is why it’s a boundary most people would struggle with. I’m sure your DP will want to do whatever they think will make you happy & will therefore suppress what they really feel about it to do so. But they will be feeling a certain kind of way about it. Of course you’ll say that if it were the other way round, you’d be completely fine if your DS got together with your ex-husband. It’s too close to home. I’m sorry that you don’t like being told that. But you did ask for opinions on this.
Hence why I suggest you need to be prepared that family involvement in your relationship is not going to be how it would have been had you brought somebody else completely new, into the family.

I can’t see that this is a problem. Good luck OP.

Is this AI? It reads like it.

Pages long? I'm sure there are only one or two reasons why you didnt tell your sister at the time

Why are you saying you’re sorry it’s a public forum that I posted on aha. I said disown because people mentioned that like it’s normal to disown your own child.

We will just have to see how it works out I don’t know what will happen in the future I’ll wait for it to happen. Before that I’m not going speculate too much now as they’re aware, they seem inclined to come see us together for a meal so we just have to see how that goes. It might be terrible I do not know all I’m know is they liked him previously and do not have bad word to say about him even when they did divorce they just wished him well either way life goes on.

Okay

Why would it be ‘sad’?
Sounds like OP had a great shag which has led to an important and happy relationship. There’s nothing sad about that. I suggest that you get very sad about sex, then you’re likely doing it wrong.

OP, you’re getting a lot of negativity it seems, but sometimes life takes an unusual turn that doesn’t meet the expectations or judgments of others. But this is YOUR life and he’s making you happy so you go smash it. I hope you get to live your more unusual life story with your new fella, full of happiness and joy, I reckon you deserve it

I married my sister's ex boyfriend and divorced him after 30 months.
My sister - same sister - is just about to celebrate her 46th wedding anniversary.
See what comes out in the wash, OP.

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend OP.

I think this brings things into a really sharp focus and makes me double down in saying you must grab happiness whenever you think you’ve found it. Your sister is happy, she’s a bit shocked maybe but she’s found a man she loves and married him and made a life with him and their three children.

I wish you a wonderful 14 month relationship with this man, or 3 years, or 18 years or the rest of your lives. It doesn’t matter which, you’ll find some happiness there for however long, and just because a relationship lasts only a year or two does not mean it’s been a waste of time. It is still a successful year or two. Or decade or two. Or longer.