https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5550068-aibu-to-pursue-a-future-with-my-sisters-ex-husband
I honestly didn't expect my last thread to get as much attention as it did. I deleted the account but then thought to update. I read most of the responses, even the ones telling me I was an awful sister and those saying they'd never speak to me again if I were their sibling. Equally, I read the replies from people who thought life isn't always black and white and that happiness is complicated.
A lot of people said I needed to stop worrying about hypothetical reactions and actually tell my family. Quite a few also said that if I genuinely saw a future with him then keeping him hidden indefinitely wasn't fair on anyone, including him.
Well, I've done it.
I spoke to my sister, I went to her house and we had a proper conversation. I was absolutely terrified. I barely slept the night before because I had convinced myself this would be the end of our relationship as sisters.
I told her everything. I didn't try to minimise it or soften it. I was honest about the timeline because I knew it would be far worse if she later found out we'd actually been together for over a year after I'd implied it was something much more recent.
She was upset. Really upset and there were some long silences where neither of us knew what to say.The first thing she asked was whether there had been any overlap. I told her absolutely not. Their marriage had been over for 7 years before anything happened between us.She then asked whether I'd secretly had feelings for him while they were married or whether anything had ever happened before. Again, the answer was no. I did not even see him after the divorce when we met again last year by chance at the same event I genuinely thought we'd have a catch-up and that would be that.
She asked why we'd kept it secret for so long. The honest answer is that after we slept together we both assumed it had been a mistake that would go nowhere. After he messages me to see if I'd gotten home safe, we talked and we both agreed we had fun the night before. Then feelings developed, and every month that passed made it feel like a bigger and bigger conversation to have. She said she wished I'd told her sooner.I couldn't really argue with that because she's right.Then she asked me if I was actually happy with him I told her yes.
She was quiet for a while before saying they probably should never have got married because they simply weren't compatible. Looking back, she thinks they stayed together longer than they should have trying to make something work that never really did.She said she wants me to be happy. She isn't happy about the situation, and she's understandably hurt, but she wants me to be happy. She also said she just needs time to get used to it.
After that I spoke to my parents because I wanted them to hear it from me.
A lot of people on my last thread were convinced they'd disown me.
That honestly never crossed my mind. They're my parents. Why would they disown me? They might be disappointed by choices I've made but disappointment isn't the same as cutting your child out of your life forever. I found it quite odd how many people assumed that would be the automatic outcome.Both were shocked. But they also both said they want me to be happy. They know this isn't an ideal situation and they know people will have opinions, but they also know we're two adults who have found ourselves in a relationship.
I'm still invited to Christmas. Before anyone asks, no, I won't be taking him. I think that would be completely inappropriate this year and far too much to expect of everyone else. Maybe in a couple of years things will look different, maybe they won't, but I'm certainly not trying to force everyone into one happy blended family overnight.
One thing I do want to address is the comments about children because there seemed to be a lot of assumptions.
I'm 36. We've only been together just over a year and we're nowhere near the stage of trying for children. If our relationship progresses to marriage and we eventually decide we want to build a family together, I'll probably be around 40. I've already accepted that I may never have biological children and, genuinely, I'm okay with that. Knowing myself, I don't think I'd want to start trying at that point.
People also seemed to think I was being very blasé about adoption. I'm not. I've fostered children and, through that, I've had advice about the adoption process. I know it's lengthy, thorough and far from guaranteed. I only mentioned it because it's something I've always been open to if I wasn't able to have biological children. I'm not assuming it would simply happen.I appreciate people can only comment on what I write, but I can't possibly include every detail of my life, every conversation and every thought process in one Mumsnet post.
Nothing has magically been fixed. My sister isn't suddenly thrilled about this, and I don't expect her to be. There will probably be awkward moments for a long time yet.
I'm also not trying to convince anyone that ours is some once-in-a-lifetime, sacred love story that excuses everything else.What I am saying is much simpler than that.I love him.I'm happy.He makes me very happy.For the first time in my life I can genuinely see a future with someone.
Life is too fucking short to walk away from someone you love simply because other people think you should. I know plenty of people will disagree with that, and that's their right. Equally, I know some people will never think what we've done is acceptable.
I'm not looking for universal approval because I know I'm never going to get it.
I just wanted to update those who told me to stop hiding and have the difficult conversations.I did.Now we'll see where life takes us.