Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

As a kid living in UK I was brought up with only 1 tiny bathroom and there were 5 kids & 2 adults. I survived in that house for 20yrs.
OP it is only 2 nights, agree to stay this year but let partner know you don’t intend spending any more Christmas’s with his folks especially as it is a drivable distance away for you to just visit for the day.

@Whoopiedooo. There is if you drink alcohol plus I hate driving at night. We stay with my parents, works well as they have the 5 bed house. My dd s love it (adults) dd1’s dh is happy too, my dsds have come too though one now prefers Christmas with her dp just the 2 of them. Its personal preference but certainly not weird as you make out op

See if I had all that time off over Christmas I wouldn’t mind it as much. I think people don’t consider that this is not the case for everyone

excellent advice this. More than two adults in a marriage never ends well

Why isn't he interested in what makes you happy too? Why does his mother's happiness matter more than yours? Obviously his own wants should count for something too but the way he's presented this as his mother's happiness being what's most important isn't very promising for the future.

I tend to believe that when you marry someone you marry their family too and a bit of compromise is inevitable but it can't only be one person doing all the compromising. For what it's worth, you're right to be concerned about the one bathroom...

As I wanted to show willing, we once went to my in laws for Christmas, in their small apartment with one bathroom. However it turned out stepfather in law had a habit of disappearing into the only bathroom for a full hour each morning and evening, without thinking to check if anyone else might need to use it first. Obviously a few days in I got the hang of this and made sure I shot in early just in case, but anyway... While in there, he also liked to chainsmoke. The window didn't open. After an hour of shitting and smoking you cannot imagine how disgusting it was to go in there - and the door had to remain closed all day and night. No air was ever allowed into and out of that one bathroom 😭. Of course no-one was ever allowed to comment on or discuss this because we all had to pretend we didn't know he was smoking in there. I shit you not. The idea was that mother in law preferred him to smoke in secret because if she admitted she knew he was smoking he would think it was fine to do it everywhere and she hated him smoking. So this is the disgusting situation in which we had to spend Christmas. Along with those oh so lovely late nights staying up chatting, where we had to enjoy father in law telling us that our nearly two year old needed a good smack on the bum every night because she didn't sleep well and apparently that would help the situation. He was happy to do it for us apparently. So much fun!

Fortunately for me it was worth making the compromise for this utterly hideous occasion because, having not stayed with his parents for a while, my husband was absolutely shocked at what fucking awful human beings they are and has never wanted to stay there again. In fact he joked that if I ever suggested staying with them again he'd divorce me. I take that as a huge win.

I'm not suggesting Christmas with the in laws is always this bad, but in a way you should hope it is so you get out of it in future too.

Let's not pretend that being forced into close proximity with people with whom you have a fairly tenous link is always going to be enjoyable, and the fact that your husband thinks you should just suck it up and doesn't seem interested in the idea that you might want to enjoy Christmas too doesn't paint him in a very good light. However you've married him now so you have to find a way through it which might involve sucking it up this once.

What I would particularly object to is mother in law's blanket statement that this is how the two of you will spend Christmas. Not asking how either of you might like to do it or offering it as an option but telling you. If that's really how it is then I would be very tempted to tell her to fuck off. Mind you if your husband can't see what's wrong with that then I'd be very tempted to tell him to fuck off too.

I wouldn't do this. Your words may say "this time and no more" but I bet mil and husband will take it as "gotcha!"

You can be firm and compromise without engaging in a battle though as this poster is saying! “Two nights doesn’t work for us unfortunately Mary. We will arrive at 12pm Xmas Day and leave Boxing Day. What can we bring?”

Your tradition can be Xmas Eve just the two of you / Christmas Day breakfast. There’s always a bit of obligation around Xmas, it’s a pain but easier to meet in the middle.

If she kicks off that you’re not having the full two days then “too bad, so sad, we will try and sort something next year,” and leave DP to deal with her.

Waking up with your kids on Christmas morning is surely only a thing when they are children, particularly when they still believe in Father Christmas. I think that OP's DH is past that stage.

"we actually didn't even meet my parents for Christmas both those times because it was our rare day off and we wanted to chill out at home just the two of us."

That's quite unusual. Is Christmas not really important for you?

Exactly this !

It’s fine when it’s your own family, but different with in laws.

Your DH should be doing whatever makes YOU happy. A day visit on both days is a good compromise.

Or not?

We stay 3 nights with inlaws every single Christmas (and a couple of times at other times in the year). As we've got two kids, there's 6 of us to one bathroom (with the toilet in the same room). With the addition of the kids, it is now a pain. But 4 to a bathroom for 2 nights is fine. At our own home, we only have one bathroom (with the toilet in the same room) for the 4 of us.

You sound selfish.

How’s about just doing the one night? Or do two nights but next year do it different. Honestly you’re mil and your partners reaction to all of this is going to be telling of how the next few decades of your life go as it doesn’t seem like she’s cut the apron strings and is thinking her son may want to make his own traditions and things now.

id be having a long chat with your husband/partner as to what his expectations are in the coming years and when/if you have kids.

Agree a compromise. Maybe you go every second year. Maybe you go every year but only for 1 night. Maybe you go for 2 days but don't stay over. Maybe they come to you. There has to be a bit of give and take. If he doesn't budge at all you've got a bigger problem.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but this will be a heard habit to break. Could you stay in a hotel nearby?
then you’re there every day but have you own bathroom. I used to hate having to share a bathroom with DP family when we stayed with them.
is he an only child? It sounds like his DM is fawning over him in an unhealthy way.

Your husband sounds selfish! Stop this tradition now or you’ll forever be going this.

however, the wife/woman is more likely to want to stay in her own home
cook what how and when she wants, especially with babies and children,
estblishing new trditions, Christmas tree, fairy lights, decortions, candles,
best china, ambience, hygge

but happy to visit family only an hour away on quiet roads, laden with presents
and goodwill, husbamd will want to visit welcoming in laws - why would he
refuse to go, knowing that MiL is a good cook and FiL has model train set in
the basement???

2 nights when you only live an hour away is ridiculous. Also 'this is how we do it in england' is just weird. No, it's how THEIR family "does it" (but obviously hasn't every year if sometimes DH has been with you).

I'd compromise on one night, or you both go for the day and then DH goes back the next day and stays over if he wants.
Can you say you're working on the 27th or have a friend's birthday or something?

Yes, that's great it all works for you, but appreciate people are very different. DH won't stay in anybody's house, even his own sister's who has plenty of room. He always sorts out his own accommodation. This doesn't bother me because I'm similar - a bit more flexible but not much. I realise some people are a lot more family orientated and love the traditions, see no problem with one bathroom. But some of us just won't tolerate any of it for reasons I'm not sure you could understand as you are the opposite.

If you want things to change then you need to seriously discuss it with him. If your parents lived locally then you might alternate Christmas with them. If you have kids, you might want to stay at home with them.

Now would be a good time to start that change. Maybe stay just 1 night, or go home each night, or stay home just the 2 of you

If she said no trips at all, everything has to be on her terms then maybe so. But she hasn’t she’s said she’s happy to visit, just not for two nights.

Her husband needs to prioritise his wife not his mother

Let him stay and you drive over in the morning and head home at the end of the day.