AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

This doesn't make it better, OP. Sorry. In fact it's even more of a puzzle how you're blowing through £1,500 a month.

But, to the original point: you're not in "unmanageable debt", but at some, not too distant, point you will be if something doesn't change. If you're ruling out working full-time, you need to draw up a budget and stick to it.

Regardless of your clean freak standards, the first, obvious thing to go is the cleaner. You're currently paying someone £270 a month to clean a house you're already cleaning yourself? Ditch the cleaner - that pays for the expected rise in nursery costs. If you can't do the cleaning when your child's awake, do it at night, or at the weekends when the father can look after them.

Hide your credit card and set a sum for paying down the debt each month. That, the loan repayments and nursery fees are first priority. Set a sum for saving each month, into a separate account. Deduct all these from monthly take home and what's left is what you have for "less-essentials/non-regular items" money. These include child's clothes, child's needs, dentist, medicines, non-obligatory vitamins, hair cuts, make-up, dry-cleaning, "treats". Make a list, most important at the top. You won't need to spend on every item every month, and the further down the list they come, the first in line they are to be cut when required.

And, you also need to sit down and have a proper talk with your OH about finances. Who pays for what, who's entitled to what, how much of your joint net income is communal and how much individual, do you (both) need/want written clarification of what you decide.

How does your partners need for therapy affect your everyday life, op? You really can’t see him much if he’s working full time and having therapy every day in Golders Green. Then cooking dinner, he can’t spend much time with your ds.

What is his temperament like if he needs so much therapy?
What would he be like if he had a different therapy once a week say?

It's not pocket money if it's paying for all the toddler expenses. Plus childcare. Calling it pocket money is quite patronising.
Household expenses also include food for children and childcare etc and she is the one paying that. It's no more "pocket money" than money needed for utility bills is
A mortgage isn't just a household expense. It's a very real investment in the future assets of her partner. Just as any pension contributions he makes for himself are not a household expense. So framing everything he pays as "household expenses" and the things she pays for as personal costs of fripperies is unfair.

Why do you need to dry clean 10 year old stella mccartney coats if you are a copy writer?

I agree the cleaner has to go. And then either the partner helps out more with housework to share the load. Or they both accept that the house will be a bit messier/less clean.

The level of personal grooming and clothing required for a job with such a modest salary seems very out of kilter. I’m not really too sure what to say tbh. It doesn’t sound ideal, but then if you are in London and not paying for housing costs I’m not sure. His £500 a week on therapy is taking the absolute piss. Is this during the working day?

You can’t stop him having therapy neither can you make him give you money.

I guess I’m with the others who are struggling to understand how you blow through £1500 a month with “toddler expenses” (?) childcare and presumably your phone etc.

you can’t support yourself, that’s the issue. He is neither here nor there tbh. £1500 a month wasn’t going to support you, let alone you and a baby.

can’t you work full time?

???

Do you clean your coats at all?

Yes but then I am the same age as you and earn 3-4 times as much... Not including what my DH earns

Why does a part time copywriter need dry cleaned designer clothes? You said you needed to do so for work?

Lady, you need to take control here.

Get a better paid job/more hours at work. You need enough money and you need to be saving into a pension.

Discuss this situation with your partner to explain your problem and ask if he will share joint expenses (pro rata the costs…) for your family such as a cleaner and childcare. There is no reason you should cover these since they are joint.

If he says no, I cover the mortgage, explain that isn’t fair because he gets a return on his investment (the house) and you don’t so you are vulnerable.

He has tucked you up properly here, perhaps not intentionally.

And I think they perhaps should be..?

But OP needs to contribute too. They both had a child.

She has never contributed to any household bills - at all. If she were single and getting maintenance she would still need to pay her way. He’s contributing to the child by pay absolutely all their living costs - all 3 of them

Because the care instructions say DRY CLEAN ONLY.

And I interview CEOs, CTOs, CMOs, and also engineers (not that they care) on a regular basis.

But 10/10 for being so belittling though. I bet you're a joy to work for and are kind to your "people"...

You are getting 1.5k a month for interviewing CEOS in London?

It doesn't matter what the tag says, you can't afford drycleaning 🤷‍♀️

Bin the "partner", the dry cleaning, the cleaner, the expensive make-up (same stuff, literally just in different brands. L'Oreal= Lancome etc)., the salon hair colour (DIY is fine), and the nursery unless you plan to move to full-time.

You do need a conversation about finances going forward but I’d concentrate on making sure you have money put into a good pension for you. Chances are, you’ll be a widow for a long time as he’s so much older, so either he provides for you in a will (no guarantee because of care home fees etc) or you pay into a bloody good pension for yourself.

If you split up in the meantime though, it’s a whole other level of problems…

I earn 200k, and the only (really) dry-clean only clothes I own are suit jackets, which I rarely have cleaned. A lot of stuff that says dry-clean can be washed carefully on a delicates cycle, but I also actively avoid buying anything with a dry-clean only label. Doesn't seem to be doing my career any harm.

Off topic but I am reminded of Liz Jones, post bankruptcy, explaining why she put a new expensive kitchen in her rented house and how much she needed Aesop toiletries for her work as a columnist

I was thinking that - £1.5k for interviewing CEOs on a regular basis????? Random people don’t go interviewing CEOs on London - ‘on a regular basis’ and earn less than a cleaner

Bottom line is unless you get a proper job you can’t afford the things you want OP

Try hand washing an old dry cleaning suit that on its way out some sre fime. Run the washing labrl & marerial theough chat gbt and in future buy clothes that are washable many suits and dresses are now that are nice and smart.
just ask him to pay your dents if they are tiny on thst salary but 3 months of your wage.
just sit down and be honest if he wants this relationship to work then he has ro cintubute more financially