AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Why is he spending 95 x 5 x 4 x 10 on therapy? (Approx 20kpa)

Seriously, what ???

You need to do a breakdown of your spending as your numbers dont seem to be adding up

He pays for the house. And for any high costs home maintenance wise. I assume car, utilities too.
She isn’t entirely sure how much he has or earns.
She earns 1500 and has costs of 130 a month for childcare. She pays for clothes for their child. And a cleaner.
She has about 1100 of disposable money every month after childcare costs and cleaner is paid for.
But is wondering if he should cover more in regard to their child. Which would give her more disposable income.
She clearly spends more than she should as she has some credit card debt. And overdraft. I doubt he will want to be seen to add to her debt. If she has said to him she feels she cannot manage money especially. Give me some more doesn’t make sense with saying you cannot manage it in the same breath.

You either get married or leave him and stand on your own two feet. If anything happens to him then you’re going to end up on your own with a young child to look after. Your name isn’t on house deeds. Has he written a will and is it stored securely? What a messy situation to end up in. I’m not surprised you’re feeling panic stricken.
He earns £93000 annual salary and pays £475 a week in therapy. Wow! He sounds more committed to his therapist rather than to you.

This man does not like you very much. Leave the man baby to his analyst

I dare say she can wait for the new Governement rules around money and non married couples to come in and then leave him along with half his money.
Mind, if she is thinking of doing so she might want to realise the rules are not in play and that the length of relationship, the balance of income and who paid for what are likely to be all part of any consideration.

If the OP was a man, 39, who was wondering is his partner should pay off his debts, who had a baby and worked 3 days a week (one childcare day done by his mum), had two days off to look after the baby, was earning 1.5K a month and was in debt as he was spending it on a cleaner he didn't need, dry cleaning for his clothes, expensive hair and grooming and days out with the baby, while his female partner paid for the house, bills, expensses and worked full time, while paying for her other child and having therapy to sort out her previous trauma, the OP would be called a lazy cocklodger and the replies would be SCATHING

Damn right it’s not a partnership. He earns £93,000 annually whilst OP is earning a pittance in comparison and juggling debt. That’s batshit crazy. And he’s the father of OPs child. What a great role model he’s gonna be.

Okay, therapy 5 times a week would only happen in situations of intense psychiatric crisis, like someone coming out of a rehab. For it to be ongoing for a year or more? Sounds very fishy. I'd be doubtful that's what he's doing and if he is maybe he's being scammed.

I know people with severe psychosis etc only having two therapy sessions a week! He definitely doesn't need a therapy session every day - how does he even have time to do the homework between sessions? Once a week is more effective, it takes time!

Also you probably can't afford a cleaner and to be dry cleaning your clothes. Change that plus the therapy and you'll probably stop going into debt and he'll be able to save

First of all, take a few deep breaths to reset your nervous system. You're spiralling.

you're right to start thinking about what to do next, but your debt is not huge nor insurmountable so you have a chance to tackle it at this point, so try not to feel hopeless and well done for taking steps now and not burying your head in the sand. You will be ok.

the nutshell here is that, given the huge disparity in your wages, your partner should absolutely be contributing more towards your child. Either with money or with time, given that you are the only one who is working and earning less so that you can keep the childcare costs down.

your child is now three so you will only have one or maybe two years of this until they go to school and at that point it's remarkable how much of a difference it makes to both your time and finances, so you can work and earn more and because you won't be paying nursery fees

but you need to clearly communicate your situation to your other half and make it clear that for the next year or so, he needs to step up. You're married and share a child so there is no reason why he shouldn't contribute as he so clearly can.

You're being taken advantage of ... it's why he hasn't married you
Run and file for child maintenance.

Classical psychoanalysis (often referred to as analysis) can absolutely be 5 days a week. This intensive cadence is a hallmark of traditional psychoanalysis and involves deep, frequent work.

Erm, end the relationship and kick him out?

"There was a thread a day or two ago where the man was earning a lot less than the female OP. The comments on that thread were telling her to leave him, and someone described him as a cock lodger."

I pushed back against some of those comments and I do think the reactions were sexist.
However, a big difference here is that OP's child is with her current partner whereas the other person's child was from a previous relationship. I do think her DP has more responsibility towards this poster because of that.

Whether he needs intensive analysis or not, if he is willing to
pay £95 a session (how long are the sessions?) five days a week then there will always be a therapist to indulge him and take his money. It’s a business / professional transaction after all.

OP have you spoken to your DP about this? You're living for free in his house and he's paying the mortgage, so I can see why he probably thinks he's paying a fair share of things and that you should be able to manage. But your aren't, you're in debt and living in your overdraught, which is not good financial sense. It would make more sense for him to clear your debts and then you agree a financial plan that means you don't keep going into debt every month. But this requires communication - something that I get the sense isn't happening very much in your relationship. Also, therapy five days a week - really???? This guy must have something very serious going on to require such intensive, ongoing therapy.

Otherwise - buy your beauty products in Superdrug (they have some great South Korean brands now) and buy work clothes that be put in the washing machine. As for your regular cut and colour - I understand how important this is as a professional woman and depending on where you live it may be hard to find a reasonable price for this - but I think I would try. The more junior the stylist, the cheaper it is, but you really do get what you pay for and I see a senior stylist, because she just does a much better job than the juniors do. But you need to learn to live within a budget and that means keeping track of your income and expenses and ensuring that the latter doesn't exceed the former! If you use Excel, keep a spreadsheet to track it all.

And goes on for years and years, right?
Does it actually work? I think it's pretty valid to question it.

What's the long term relationship plan? Are you in a serious relationship? Are you life partner? Are you going to get married or at least get some legal paperwork done to make this relationship legally binding so you are in it together? If not it's maybe time to get a full time job and start saving to buy your own place so you can move out and find someone who does want that with you. You are in a really vulnerable position. He could turn t you out at any stage and you have no rights. If he loves you he will understand what a risk you are taking and want to fix it.

Here’s what I’d do, if you were me.
First, put your big girl pants on and pull yourself together.
Next, go back to work full time. Your little one won’t suffer being in nursery and you still get the weekend. My DD was in full time nursery from 7.30-6 because I had no other option and she’s fine and is thriving.

Next, you need to leave. This relationship is bizarre, he’s obviously incredibly screwed up if he needs expensive therapy 5 times a week. Find somewhere to live and leave. Then apply for UC and file a CMS claim. You’ll be much better off financially.

You’re obviously a smart lady, stop thinking that this is what you deserve. Build a life your little one will be proud of you for. My DD is now 10 and I’m setting her up for her future. I’ve tripled my salary in 6 years, I own my house and I boss it - I want her to grow up thinking she can do anything she sets her mind to. You deserve so much more but you need to sort this out.

It must work for some people otherwise it wouldn’t be so popular.

The most worrying part of this (and something that most posters have ignored in favour of commenting on dry cleaning and therapy) is that OP does not have any stake in the house, and yet has chosen to have a child and work part time. This puts her in a very vulnerable condition.

This is the conversation I would be having. Either OP gets a stake in the property (proportional to amount contributed) or she needs to think about putting money aside - something she's not in a position to do so due to the debt.

I don't think the split of money is unfair - if DP is paying £2K a month on therapy then the rest of his income is doing little more than paying mortgage/bills and rebuilding his savings after they were depleted following his redundancy - which is a must as he is financially responsible for the household. He doesn't have huge amount of disposable cash.

Yes, the could recalibrate the way they do bills so he pays a proportion of nursery and OP pays some of the utilities, but that will have no overall impact.

Sadly, I think OP has married what she saw as a rich man and found herself unable to adopt the lifestyle she wanted.

OP do you know anything about the therapist? Could transference be at play?

Developing romantic or attachment feelings for a therapist is actually a common phenomenon in psychology known as transference. Because therapy offers a unique space of emotional safety, empathy, and undivided attention, it is completely normal to mistake these feelings for traditional love. Because this dynamic is very common, professional therapists are thoroughly trained to recognize and handle it.

If OP would be much better off financially on UC than now, when she has £1200 disposable income every month, there is something very wrong with the benefits system.

Well that’s stating the obvious. it’s abundantly clear that there is something very wrong with the benefits system.

That’s a whole different thread though. I highly doubt that the OP would be better off financially on UC. She would probably have to rent a smaller place in a less desirable area if she wants to stay in London. I doubt she’d be able to keep paying for the cleaner or the dry cleaning. The people who are advising this are either delusional or deliberately misleading.