AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

OP’s £130 childcare cost really isn’t crippling her.

£93,000 per year after tax NI and pension and £600 CM etc doesn’t sustain bills and mortgage etc and £95/day on a therapist

He also has a rental income from another property he owns - OP says it’s around £900 per month. He’s paying less CMS than he should for the previous child so l doubt the rental income is being declared, and OP hasn’t mentioned that the other child stays with them. There’s something amiss here that l can’t quite put my finger on, but l’ll bet if we knew why his previous relationship ended it would she some light on it.

She mentioned the child care costs in the context that they will soon be rising to £330 a month. And more if she were to go back to work full time.

Due to NOT being married

It would be better for you to work FT

Your partner should then pay half the childcare cost

You pay into work pension

You pay into an ISA for yourself or your child

Live with no debt

Are you planning on more children ?

Are you planning on getting married ?

BTW Your partners "therapy" could actually be money spent at a male club, hobby, savings etc rather than actually at therapy

OP, reading your post, your partner is not concerned with your future security or financial wellbeing. YOU need to take steps to sort this NOW otherwise in 15 years time you could be in a bad place. You need to go back to work full time (your partner can pay for the extra child care as he doesn't pay for any now) and save aggressively so that you can invest in an asset /pension etc for your future. You will feel more secure if you put this in place regardless of what happens to your relationship. Yes, some of your 'nice to have' elements of your current lifestyle will need to give. But this is URGENT. It's not too late at your age. (I was in a similar position to you - now i'm secure in mid 50's)

I’d be most concerned about the possibility of ending up single with no assets. You won’t be able to claim anything from him other than a bit of maintenance.

You’ve also got to factor in that he’s getting close to retirement. You will be working long after he’s retired.
What happens if he wants to retire early and you are expected to fully contribute the joint bills?

But he would have paid those things whether or not OP lived with him and whether or not he and OP had a child. OP would not have gone part time if she didn’t have a child and wouldn’t be paying costs for that child. He’s also investing in an asset/savings. OP has no assets or savings.

Normally these threads are all for ‘family money’ and joint accounts. I think OP is getting an unfairly hard time here for being middle class and living in SW London.

I think there’s a few separate things going on.
you feel like you’re shouldering a lot of the financial responsibility and he’s not supporting you financially as he should, given his higher earnings. He might feel he is, given he covers housing costs.
you also seem to be living beyond your means given how little you earn, your salary is very low even for part time and doesn’t seem commensurate with dry cleaning, regular salon hair colouring, high end makeup, and a cleaner when you work 3 days a week. Of course those things are nice and you’ve got used to them, but most people in your position can’t afford them.

This

I think he should be contributing to the costs of the child you share but that contribution is probably offset by you not contributing to housing costs.

However, the reason you are drowning (financially) is because you have poor money management and expensive tastes relative to your low income. If he contributed more, the likelihood is you would piss it up the wall on expensive purchases that got you into the mess you are currently in. What on earth did you spend your 8k savings on, and a loan with 2k left to pay and 2k in credit card debt? OP you are living beyond your means and your mh is paying the price for it.

Again, I think your partner could be paying towards your joint child but your poor money management is the real problem and maybe contributes as to why he doesn’t.

Step 1 is to own your shit because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

And yes the therapy costs/time need looking into.
He’s either not being truthful or is being conned by a charlatan.

I was answering a poster specifically on the subject of a married couple sharing a solely owned property as their main marital home - it wasn’t relevant to OP.

This response from @JLou08 is all.

You are in financial difficulty whilst he builds up his savings… and secures his future with a mortgage.

Marry him. Then divorce him and take him for half.

£93k a year is £5.4K take home a month. After his CM to older child he has £4.8k max. I expect he makes pension contributions so in reality will bring home less.

The therapy is £95 a day for 5 days for 10 months of the year so c£19k a year or £1.6k a month. Over 1/3 of his post tax salary. It really is a sizeable amount of spending leaving him with only just over £3k to pay all the bills and have his own discretionary spending.

We (and OP herself) don’t know how much savings / inheritance he has got and how much unearned income that generates plus how much if anything the overseas property earns for him. So he could have £££ millions in investments generating income too. But on the surface he has a massive ongoing expense which, if necessary, impacts the joint lifestyle they can afford.

WHAT!? What on earth could he possibly need therapy FIVE times a week for? That's absolutely absurd. £475 a week on that whilst you struggle. Jesus OP wake up, he's spending more than you earn on something that could quite easily be once a month.

Absolutey this. OP’s situation is bordering on financial abuse that isn’t tolerated anywhere on MN, but here, despite taking a financial hit from having a child, OP is seen as the bad guy for not being able to make ends meet on a salary of £18k while her partner is seemingly given a free pass for spending £95 a day on ‘analysis’. There is a clear disparity of lifestyles, despite being a ‘couple’ and living in the same household. Not sure l could continue a relationship with a man who earns over £100k and clearly sees it as ‘mine, mine, mine’.

This did cross my mind too - it’s round about the amount he could be paying buying dodgy stuff and maybe actually seeing a therapist only when OP sees it online. Could well be going to Golders green for ‘other stuff’ -

@TheHotRock98 why won't you answer the posters asking about the therapy?

He is spending £20k a year on therapy (rough calculation) which is pretty much your annual salary.

Nobody - who isn't an inpatient - should be needing that much therapy and his therapist should not be seeing him so much. If this is what is happening.

He is bringing in almost £5.5k a month and spending the best part of £2k of that on therapy?

OP says he has at least £900 per month rental income from the overseas property.

@andthat ”Marry him. Then divorce him and take him for half.”

Charming.
Looks like the OP’s partner isn’t that stupid though and won’t be marrying the OP.
They both sound like hard work.

Therapy five times a week. WTAF is WRONG with him? Or maybe the question should be 'what type of therapy?" Whatever, it's excessive and I think he's yanking your chain. NOBODY needs "therapy" five times a bloody week.

Also, if he's paying THAT amount for his eldest child, he should be paying for his youngest too. And that INCLUDES nursery costs and all the other stuff YOU are paying for. Why are you letting him away with this?

Why are YOU paying for a cleaner? Surely that's a shared expense? After all, he lives there too. £68 for one day? What size is your flat, FFS? And why do you need a cleaner when you only work three days a week? Referring to THAT, why should having HIS child impact only YOUR earnings?

As for your expenses. Dry cleaning. Why? Can't you wash/iron your own clothes? How many times do you visit a dentist/hygienist? Can't you dye your own hair? Salon now and again is fine for expensive dye treatments is fine but not if you can't really afford it. Same with cosmetics. Which I don't get anyway. The initial outlay for cosmetics can be expensive but it shouldn't be something to worry about on a monthly basis.

I'm really at a loss to understand just WHY you're letting this guy run riot over your life. From what you've stated, it looks like he most definitely isn't paying his way. But as long as you let him walk all over you financially and otherwise, you'll get nowhere.

This is a transactional arrangement. Not a relationship in the sense I understand one should be.
You should talk to each other about money. Do you have plans for the years ahead? Or do you live week to week without any.
I would wonder that he is not as rich and never has been as well off as he has suggested in the past.
And far from being not very aware of finances you seem very clued up about them.

OP it sounds like together you and your partner are doing ok financially. He should be splitting things like clothes for 3 year old with you so you 3ach pay half. Could you get married? Could you also ask him to cut down the therapy sessions
I think when you have kids together you really do need to start working as a team. The money is no longer 'mine and yours' so to speak. If you are using credit cards and an overdraft on a regular basis then he needs to cut his expenses and contribute more to finances.
In terms of hair colouring and makeup, I think somethings got to give. Since having my children I've had to cut down. Using a box dye af home, using cheaper makeup. Ive found a £4.99 mascara and £4 blush and bronzer really is as good as the more expensive options.
Also I suggest you and your partner work out a weekly and also monthly budget.
And please tell me you pay 50/50 for nursery fees?

Why on earth didn't you insist on getting married before you had a child with him? You live in his house so if he decides to end the relationship you and your child are out with nothing. What if he dies? Who will inherit the property?

He's taking home over 6k a month (with rent), doing the bits of running a household he likes - cooking - while you do all the cleaning up and washing and pay for a cleaner.

You're wasting your money on dry cleaning clothes - who does that? and paying for a cleaner when you only work part time and don't earn much. It's a luxury you can't afford. If he wants a cleaner house then he needs to pay for it.

I think you're the one who needs therapy to work out why you're with this bloke - what on earth is wrong with him that he needs therapy 5 times a week? Fucking hell I've never heard the like of it.

And the op only earned 25k not 93k

And he refused to get extra work.

Basically you’re saying you expect yo be put in the house (why should you be) and him
to subsidise you allowing you to work pt. Yes you’re siting nursery costs but nothing ekse really .

before you had s child I presume you owned a house ? Or paid large rent ? Or ? Having a child doesn’t entitle you to a free ride

But there may be a mortgage on it or property taxes to pay out of that income.