AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

Op is getting a hard time because she has approximately £1200 pounds a month pocket money. No household bills to pay. Everything taken care of. Only on MN.

I really don’t think that’s very common. 3 sessions is the high end. 5 would suggest to me a theraputic relationship that’s not well balanced. That said I don’t believe in traditional analysis much anyway. Therapeutically I’d say he’d get more out of a handful of sessions of hypnosis. Freud never should have abandoned it. 10 sessions of hypnosis = 100 sessions of talking IMHO.

I didn't see bills listed in what you pay for, so does he pay all of the household bills? If so then he is paying out far more than you. If you want to look at it properly then you need to sit down with him and look at all income and expenditure and see how much each of you should pay towards the monthly bills. You may be worse off though. You should pay in proportion to income.

He should pay for all house repairs etc as it is his property.

The debt isn't a huge amount compared to some, and you could repay that fairly quickly. Cut up any credit cards. Don't buy anything that you don't need. Makeup lasts a long time, go down a brand or two to make it cheaper.

You do need to adjust your living costs though. You can't afford top make up, dry cleaning and a cleaner on your income even if he is paying all the household costs and some of the groceries.

That’s her take home pay for three days, her full time equivalent salary is closer to £40k, maybe more depending on pension and student loan.

You are missing the point. She’s taking the entire financial hit of having had a child. His costs would be about the same whether or not they had a child. He also has an asset and is accruing savings, he has long term security, OP does not.

Whether or not you agree with her spending, the situation is unbalanced and unfair and a good partner wouldn’t want OP (or their child!) to live with such financial insecurity.

I am sure you are right to be cautious about making assumptions but I have read this below.

Is a House Owned Before Marriage Marital Property in the UK?

Whether your house or other property is considered ‘marital property’ will depend on a range of things, such as how long your marriage was and how financially independent each of you is.

If your home was bought by your soon-to-be ex-spouse before your marriage but has been lived in as the marital home since you got married, the property is likely to be considered a marital asset. This means that you could have a claim to at least a portion of its value.

However, if you never lived in the property as your marital home, then your chances of successfully claiming a share of the home are quite slim. Of course, if you can demonstrate to the court that you will be significantly worse off without funds from selling or renting out the property, your claim may be considered.

and, where there are children,

Who Gets the House in a Divorce with Children?

Who gets the house in a divorce where children are involved can be complicated, especially if both you and your spouse believe you should be allowed to stay living there.

If the matter can be settled outside of court, it will be. Your divorce solicitor and your spouse’s divorce solicitor will work together to attempt to determine what is best for your children. You may be advised to attend mediation, where you will hopefully come to an agreement about your property that is in your children’s best interests.
cartwrightking.co.uk/articles/family/divorce-and-property-owned-before-marriage/

Nothing stopping her from putting some of that money in a pension or investing it. She has no housing costs, so should save that money for the future.

Is it SO popular? It's probably not the most used form of therapy. And if you're doing it for years, is it actually working?

The disparity would still be huge even if she cut down on her spending and contributed to investment/ savings, and without property of
her own she remains extremely vulnerable.

The disparity in income is also huge and they are not married. Based on income alone, she is getting a good deal because she is paying less than her proportion should be. She would not be better off financially as a single mum either. She needs to save some of her disposable income and/or push for marriage.

You're right it’s not that common. It would not be affordable on the NHS and not enough people earn enough money to pay £95+++ a session on “analysis”.

Having psychoanalysis 5 days a week is considered the gold standard for "classical" or "training" analysis. However, in general clinical practice, it is relatively rare and intensive, with the majority of analytic therapies operating at one to three times a week.

Research shows that 10% to 20% of people have "low hypnotizability," meaning their brains are less active in areas of executive control and attention during attempts to induce a trance. Effectiveness also depends on motivation, the specific issue being treated, and the chemistry you have with your practitioner.

I'd say her salary for 3 days a week is about £23,000 pa, which if you're not paying any rent or bills should be manageable. However, her DP is on £93,000 pa and he's pissing away £2,000 a month on whatever hell this 'therapy' is. In other words, he's spending more on that than the OP earns!

Essentially what you’re saying is that it’s okay for OP to take the entire financial hit for having had their child, because that’s what has happened. His costs remain broadly the same and she has been very significantly disadvantaged.

I think you are missing the point. If she was a single parent she would need to pay her own household bills. He is paying all the bills.

This is what Tavistock says:
Therapy demand is at an all-time high in the UK, with 37% of adults having attended BACP Survey. Tavistock-affiliated institutions—globally recognized as pioneers in psychoanalytic and couple psychotherapy International Couples Counselling & Psychotherapy—have experienced soaring demand, prompting major expansions in their clinical and training services to keep pace Record Number of People with Couples Therapy.
The popularity and impact of therapy vary by branch:
Tavistock Relationships (London & Online): The leading charity for couple and psychosexual therapy About Tavistock Relationships delivers up to 20,000 sessions annually Therapy shortage putting UK relationships at risk. Demand is so high that they have trained nearly two-thirds of the UK's specialist couple therapists Record Number of People with Couples Therapy.
The Tavistock and Portman NHS Foundation Trust (North London): Renowned for child, adolescent, and adult mental health care, as well as multi-disciplinary training Tavistock and Portman NHS Foundation Trust - Wikipedia. While highly popular, the trust's services faced massive referral surges, particularly in its Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS), which transitioned to new regional models following independent reviews .
Tavistock Therapy Centre (Devon): Operating in your local region, this independent center sees high local demand for diverse psychological and holistic therapies, ranging from hypnotherapy to EMDR Tavistock Therapy Centre.

The OPs partner seems to be able to work, build up assets and provide for the OP and his children. As I understand it the OP works but doesn’t need to cover house or bills as the partner has an investment property and a good salary.

His capacity to do that is coming from somewhere … his analysis is helping him maybe.

5 times a week analysis isn’t common but it isn’t a cult or charlatan-ey. Psychoanalysts have the most intense and rigorous training of any therapy modality. It certainly works in the transference- it’s not a hindrance but is actually the whole point. It’s a very intense transference relationship through which a person can really grow as a whole person.

it is not like going to therapy once a week, sitting opposite your therapist and talking through your problems and receiving advice or tips.

In analysis you lie on a couch and the analyst sits behind. You say whatever comes to mind. It’s much more like the relationship between a small child and its mother. The attention and thought that the mother provides allows the child to develop.

If women do not want to be financially vulnerable they either have to ensure they have their own financial independence and earnings, or get married or be in a civil partnership. Or /and make sure they are on the deeds of the property they are moving into. Take some personal responsibility in other words.
To have an equitable financial relationship you do need to be able to discuss money and your attitudes to it, aims and plans before you move in with someone.
Not move in with none of the above and try to work it out afterwards.

Hi op first of all you need a joint bank account for household costs and childcare even if you pay in pro rata to his amount, you need to do a comparison on his out goings to the house and child then you could reduce cleaner and dry cleaning not a necessity then if this fails you get a full time job get extra cash let partner do more around house and pay towards childcare then if this fails move out get your own place because right now you have no security whatsoever you could get financial help if you weren’t together his high income is not beneficial to you at all if he’s not willing to share it. You should not have to pay more towards a child that is his. The house is his asset.

That doesn’t change the fact the financial situation in their relationship is unbalanced and unfair. He would also be worse off if she moved out a he'd have to pay child maintenance to the OP. She has taken the entire financial hit in relation to their child, and that isn’t fair. A decent partner wouldn’t allow it.

But that is about all forms of therapy. I was asking how popular psychoanalysis is compared to other types of therapy.

And how independently financially you are
is the pertinent point, he is ensuring they are not intertwined.

Thats is a decision, a choice

OP, this is all beyond insane. Of course he should be contributing more. The time for separate finances ended when you had a child ffs!

Why why why do women accept living like this?

And what the hell is he doing having psychoanalysis 5 times a week? Even trainee psychoanalysts themselves would think this is excessive. And in Golders Green of all places - when you live in SW London?! That must take 3 hours of his day just for therapy,

£350 per week on therapy! Well, he clearly needs help doesn't he if he sees no issue with the mother of his child living like a second class citizen in her own home. What is actually wrong with him? I'd say he's beyond help if he's in his 50s and thinks this is in any way acceptable.

Ridiculous man. What the hell are you doing with him?

Maybe someone can come along and answer your question. If not maybe ask google / ChatGPT

OP, what does your partner do for work? Is he a trainee analyst? How did you meet?

I was questioning an assertion made by a poster so my question is aimed at her specifically and not google.